I'm an ADHD wife

I am a 33 year old wife with ADHD.  This is my problem, I feel like I'm actively seeking treatment for ADHD, but my husband doesn't want to get on board with any recommendations from the book.  He read the first half about a year ago, and got very angry.  Like stated in the book, he feels like he should just take my outburst or symptoms and say "oh that's her just ADHD", and then not say anything to me.  I told him that is not what I want for us.  He says I don't understand how I affect him, and I probably don't fully understand it, but I think I do for the most part and I want to understand.  I grieved for our relationship for a long time after I found out I was the cause of the problems.  

Let me try to give an example of our problem with communication.  If my husband tells me to do something or questions me about something, I get aggravated, and I, what he calls "snaps" at him or gets an "attitude".  We have struggled with the child/parent dynamic, and I do get defensive when he's trying to tell me how to do something or ask me why I'm doing it "that way".  This last fight, I tried really had to stay calm and not have any outburst but he turns his love off, and I feel even more desperate in wanting to first, get him to understand and validate my point of thinking, and then later, to just try and fix us.  This usually gets no where, and I fall off the ADHD wagon with saying I hate him. ;(  I don't mean that.  I just want him to talk to me and work it out.  When he thinks he's right, there is zero affection in him, he just wants me to see it his way, and then he says I'm the one that wants to be right and only see it my way.  This is a reoccurring argument, and endless cycle that I don't know how to break.  It's the blame game over and over.  He said he's tired of this, and I'm scared he will leave me just because I'm trying to standing up for myself and what I believe in.  He says I turn everything around on him.  But I honestly don't see that I do, and in my head, I'm thinking I'm trying to explain my point of view.  How can I fix something that I don't understand or see that I'm doing it?  He says he often is asking those questions or saying things to me as joking.  I take what he says literally.  I never have been able to tell when he is joking and when he isn't.  He says I should just know, but my brain atomically jumps to being upset.

IDK if any of this makes sense or if I'm rambling.  Any input would be appreciated.