I used to post here under a different name and had to discontinue that name due to security reasons. Things got very difficult for a while and I thought it best that I didn’t use my real name.
A few months back if you told me that I would be posting in this area of the forum I would’ve told you that you needed meds (no pun intended). However, I am here and what has happened in my marriage is nothing short of a miracle. I'm just soooo thrilled. I'm just so happy that my will and God's will matched up on this one. :-)
I don’t want to drag this out into some big novel so I’ll do my best to recap briefly. I have been married for 5 years and my husband has had ADHD that entire time. Actually, he has had ADHD since he was young. He was diagnosed in the last few years and is on meds. The meds only helped to a point and got his job on the right track but our marriage had not improved at all. Last year at this time I had given up, was about to engage in an affair and wanted a divorce. I was at the end of the end w/ no rope to hold on to. I was overworked, underappreciated, worn-out, disrespected, demoralized, filled with hate and consumed with resentment for the man that I vowed to stay with until the day I died. Though this I never stopped loving him but I just couldn’t live in the emotional pain I was in. I couldn’t love some one so much who showed so little care, concern and respect for me. In moved out in May, woke up in June and moved back realizing that my marriage deserved more than me running away and so did my daughter. I woke up too late and my husband was now emotionally disengaged from me and in an affair with another woman. We had divorce papers drawn up and he was going to divorce me. I desperately fought to keep the marriage together hoping he would realize that what was wrong with us wasn’t “us” but the ADHD and lack of respect and communication from both sides. We were at the end of the line when all of sudden he just made this incredible turn around. He came out of the fog of the affair and told me that he realized that he was the main problem in our marriage. He admitted his ADHD was a huge issue and that the affair was just about shiny, happy, new and not anything real. He ended the affair that day. I admitted to my issues as well and we both agreed to move forward with help from an ADHD coach. We found a terrific coach and with her help we have made more progress in 3 sessions than almost a year of marital counseling. It’s like having an interpreter. Are we in nirvana? Not by a long shot…but at least we have a shot now.
Here are some signs that we are making progress. I have not asked my husband if he has taken his meds since we started with the coach. We has started using lists and using a calendar. We had a discussion about money (he wanted to spend some that we didn’t have) and it ended up with us holding hands and in agreement not to spend the money. We have found two things that we enjoy doing together that hold his attention and lead to further communication afterwards…Wii, Rockband and listening to books on tape in bed. Where we still have a very long way to go is in his computer gaming obsession and his ability to see where his actions affect me and our daughter. We also need to work on making a physical connection again. There are trust issues that may never been fully dealt with an wounds that may never fully heal. The meds really mess with his libido and that’s been a HUGE problem for us. I have to also make more progress with my co-dependence and mothering of him along with learning to ask for what I want/need and not waiver on bottom lines. I also have to be very honest with him, with everyone. Its hard in a coaching session to say "I have a hard time respecting him for how he is" and not cringe at the words as they come out of my mouth. Honesty has just not been the tenor of our relationship.
The bottom line is, for today, I am married, happy, on the upswing to sane and blessed that I found this forum and site to give me the tools to lead me/us out of the abis. I am grateful to God who lets me lay my burdens on him when I can’t carry them anymore. I’m so blessed to have married a man that had enough character to admit that he has a problem and is really doing his best to help himself so that he can be the best dad and husband he can be.
I used to love and hate posts like the one I just read. I would read them and think "what does she have that I don't. Why did she get the golden ring". The anger chocked me at times. However, more than anger, I received hope from posts like this. Hope that kept me hanging in there when so many told me it was better for my daughter and I to leave...hope when I was lost, hope when I was sure it was all my fault this was happening. I hope, somehow this gives even one person out there reason to believe and hope and maybe find that shred of love for their spouse that remains. I'm not delusional. There are really unhealthy relationships and mine was getting to the point where leaving was the only way to save my daughter and myself but then God chose another path for me. I don't know why and might never know. My job is to just give him praise and let him guide me through.
Peace to all....