I had a long talk with my ADD partner last night.
I told him that I feel our relationship lacks joy, laughter, fun, peace, intimacy, life, connection, communication... etc, etc.
I expressed to him that I am aware all of these things are as a result of poorly treated/managed ADD symptoms.
I also expressed to him that from what I read this is also why I'm losing my sh*t and reacting with so much anger and bitterness, sadness and resentment.
This is the point where the conversation went downhill because my ADD partner asked me to specify which ADD symptoms are causing me to feel lonely, sad and like we don't have a "normal" relationship, because he just doesn't get it! He doesn't understand how all of our relationship abnormalities can be related to his ADD.
I told him that it is NOT HIM, that all of the negative feelings I'm feeling are a by-product of the ADD symptoms.
He kept saying "that's great.. but WHICH ADD SYMPTOMS?!?!?!?!?"...
I was flustered and on the spot and do not know too much about all of this because--to put it simply--up until not too long ago I thought his behaviours were due to him being a giant prick and to him not caring or loving me and also to him completely lacking any feeling, let alone empathy. So... needless to say, I stumbled on my words a bit, but managed to get out a few symptoms that I thought were the cause.
I said that I believe his lack of time management and procrastination could be the cause of him not spending time with me and him feeling overwhelmed by the littlest task or chore around the home.
I said that his distraction could be why our intimacy sucks and why he seems distant, etc.
I said that I believe his impulsive emotional reactions could be partly the reason for our communication problems.
I tried to match my feelings up to his symptoms but it was hard while put in the spot.
I later, beyond that moment of frustration, asked him how his ADD symptoms effect him in a negative way. His response really surprised me!
He said, they don't! I asked him again if his symptoms bother him AT ALL... He said again, that they DO NOT bother him, he's been content with his life/mind since starting meds and that the only problem he encounters is me being angry with him all the time and telling him it's due to his ADD.
His only problem in this relationship and in life in general is ME.
I was a little bit shocked by this. It kinda makes me want to take myself out of the equation then... I mean... he swears he would be perfectly fine in life if I wasn't getting mad at him and having issues with his behaviour all the time! It's all me... He's got no issues living with ADD on his own.
The part I understand is OBVIOUSLY he wants the raging angry craziness to stop on my end and that if it did cease, he would be more content. I get that. The part I do not understand is that he is not bothered by ADD - AT ALL. It's not a problem for him. He doesn't feel like a victim having this disorder. He feels fine. Thinks he lives fine, doing things on his own time. He's ok with paying bills a little late. Missing garbage day. Paying his taxes late. Living in a mess for weeks. Doing a job for WAY LESS money because it's better he works from home... Not maintaining the house. Not eating regular meals. etc, etc.
His expectations for himself and his own life are being met *just fine*.
It kinda makes me feel wrong for making him change JUST FOR ME, then. I don't think I want that. I really thought part of the process was to become empathetic towards my partner who has ADD. If he's struggling and I'm not happy with the symptoms either, then lets get this figured out!! But that's not it. I'm the only one NOT HAPPY with his ADD. No wonder he doesn't care to "fix it". He doesn't think there is anything to fix!!!! He just thinks I don't like the way he lives...
I would love to hear from anyone and everyone on this one! ADDers and non-ADDers.