New here. My apologies for the length. I'm really at my wits end. Husband has ADHD and is untreated. Refuses to go. My step son also has it. He is being treated. Blended family- 4 kids. 2 his, 2 mine. All under one roof, and feeling very very dysfucntional. We've been married 4 years, together for 6, didn't begin living together until we got married (I'm traditional). So, over the past three years, I have been patient, kind, supportive and have taken really all I can really take. My children are teenagers, one is already in college and the other is on her last year at home. His children are tweens, and the raising of these kids is very different than I have raised mine but with that said, I believe the ADHD that is going untreated is partly to blame. My husband has been lying to me over stupid things over the years, where he ate lunch on a business trip, who he saw, how a conversation took place etc. When I have called him out on his little lies, he has been defensive, mean, and will always end with calling me crazy or that I'm the one with the problem. My husband travels for work, and two years ago made a big mistake in flirting with another woman, through email which was discovered by me- I didn't look for it, I just happened upon it when he asked me to send an email from his phone to someone in his line of work ( he was driving and asked me to send it, so it wasn't like I was out snooping or anything). That was the beginning of the realization that he was not truthful- he admitted his mistake, apologized, said he has a problem and likes the attention, but that he never has done anything, and surrendered passwords, etc. and periodically I will check up on him.. and he hasn't done anything since, so we've moved on from that, at least he's moved on, and I have hung on to it- i often times feel like things are spinning out of control, he drinks alot. He will call me when he's out of town at all hours, drunk, telling me how sorry he is, how much he loves me etc. Only to return home to be back to the old way of yelling at his kids- failing to parent them, yelling at me for suggesting other ways of correcting behavior. We go to church, he says he's trying, he says he doesn't want to hurt me, but at the end of most days, I'm in tears, This is far from what he was when I first met him and how things started out. He has no healthy relationships with his sibilings- all of them have given me keys to their homes- as a safe place if things go awry. (Wow. Welcome to the family I think.) Anyway, there are good things, but as each year passes, I continue to have a deeper cut into my heart- a birthday forgotten, christmas with not even a single gift from him ( not that any of that matters, but it gives me pause) When I have asked him, "was there a particuliar reason you forgot my birthday?" he has responded with, "What are you, 8???" So I then in turn feel that this man who I once believed was genuine and wonderful and good for me and my kids, has turned into someone I barely recognize let alone know. My problem continues to be the lack of respect he shows, as well as the constant lip service of telling me what i want to hear but his actions being much different. Recently he was playing video games for 6 hours, when I came home and asked him if he wanted to do something together instead of being locked upstairs in the tv room all day he got all defensive and mad. It caused a huge argument. I've never been called names before (this is my second marriage- my former spouse passed away and there was a ten year gap before I remarried)- I've been reading on ADHD and I've done all but beg him to seek treatment- he's highly functional in his job- but he's married to his job, often working late hours (he works from home), and he will often excuse himself from family functions to take care of work when all he really has to do is say no. I've discussed with him how it makes me feel, but I am told to get over it and that I'm too irrational and now as of late because I have been going through some pretty emotional things with my children, I'm being told that I need to get a grip and accept my children are growing up and get over it. During arguments he will tell me to leave, he will tell me to shut the F up, he will call me names, and it will be over something as simple as to why he forgot to pick up his kids, or why he forgot to do something he promised to do. Counseling is not an option for him, but I am going myself. He refuses to accept that anything is wrong. I feel that I am the only one trying to work on things- he will put words in my mouth, manipulate me into believing that I am the one who has caused the issue, then I end up apologizing for something that I didn't even do to begin with. I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense. His children have picked up on his behavior so as one can imagine, I now receive very little respect from them. My two children have been very firm with how upset this has made them, and have told the younger children to knock it off, and have put them in their place, and to make it more complicated, my eldest has given me an ultimatum of either choosing her or my marriage because she is sick of how things are. I really don't blame her. Looking in on this family, one could easily say it is broken and the leader of the village is not on the bus, has not joined and continues to be in a banana tree all to himself.
Some advice would be helpful if anyone has anything to share.