I really need help in understanding how to resolve this ever-ending conflict with my husband - I feel that I have made every attempt to find peace and acceptance of the limitations of my marriage, but I just can't get my heart to fall in line.
A little background: My husband and I have been married almost 6 years. We married a little later in life and my husband became a step-dad to my daughter. I saw odd signs in the beginning of our relationship from the start, but I honestly have had little experience in a romantic relationship that it was difficult for me to understand what was going on. After, what seemed to be, a 3 month constant cycle of - I get fed up with being in our marriage alone and feeling like a slave - to my husband saying he'll try to do better or he'll do it to make me happy - to some semblance of going in the right direction - to slowing going back to where we started - and then I lose my mind again. I feel like it's a constant ride on the crazy train and I really want to get off!
After persistence on my part to get help, I was able to find a counselor to help me and I was able to bring him along a few times. The counselor suspected he had untreated ADHD. He got tested and it was confirmed. He started medications to help him - but it really only is effective for him while he's at work. Once he's done with work, he can't handle anything more. He also has an autoimmune disorder that has caused him to sink deeper into unhealthiness and dealing with chronic fatigue syndrome. The guy really has his cards stack against him and I know most of the time he feels completely lost in what to do. In turn, I had thyroid cancer a few years ago and have ended up with my own immune issues - I've developed Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue myself. It's everything I can do to just work to take care of myself and my daughter. I've been working with my dr.s for a long time to find a good treatment program for me, so that I can start feeling like a functioning human being again.
With all this junk that both he and I suffer - we are at an impasse. We discussed the issues and he told me that he feels so guilty he can't do what he knows he needs to do. He said just the thought of him putting dishes away causes him severe anxiety and exhaustion. He shuts himself away in the office when he's home and it's a rarity that we do anything together. He claims he wants to try all these things to help our relationship and each other - but he doesn't show up to it. He wants me to help him in everything he does. He told me last night that it's so much easier for him to get tasks done is when we are doing it together. I totally get that - but the whole point is that I need his help because I'm overwhelmed. He wants to do dishes every night together, but I have 12 credit hours of class I'm doing + full time work + taking care of my daughter. I'm tapped out, I have my own stupid fatigue to deal with. And because I am telling him I don't think that it will work well all the time - he says that I shut him down on everything that he wants to do. He does his beautiful shift of focus to what it is I'm doing to make things worse for us. I got so angry last night I stormed out of the house -feeling like my heart was going to explode. I told him that it was very unfair to label me as he did when it just wasn't true.
What in the world do I do? Where do I go from here? How can I help him to understand that he is responsible for his body and health and he has to own himself. He needs to find ways to resolve his issues and not ignore them as he has done all his life - because it is a severe impact to everyone else around him. I really want him to understand that it's ok to have the issues he does, but don't shove it away or play the pity game - own that sh#t and do something about it. I'm here for him as much as I can be - but I just can't do it anymore.
Thanks for reading. Anything ya got would be helpful at this point.