I'm done

I am not done with the relationship.  I'm done with life.  I am a ADD spouse.  Until I read this column I had no idea that I caused so much pain in the life of others around me.  My entire marriage I have tried to please my wife.  I do not go out with friends, I devote my entire non working life to her.  I have distanced myself from my narcissistic mother, left my business partners due to my hyperfocus at work, so I could spend more time with my spouse.  I have tried to change my sex life, to accomodate her needs.  I have tried to put the family first in all my life.  I am utterly unsucessful.  An excellent example has been the last two weeks of my life since I have been diagnosed with Add.  I found out that I can't communicate, have sex or do anything very well.  I am a very good attorney with a busy schedule.  I clearly take too much work and spend too little time with the family.  Last week was our 15th anniversary.  I had taken my wife out to lunch.  I had planned to rent a hotel room after lunch, to be more romantic.  I had mentioned it to her but she gave me no clear signs that she was interested.  My schedule got screwed up that day and I had to attend a phone hearing during our lunch.  I got distracted and forget about the hotel room.  I asked her if want she wanted to do after lunch, and she said nothing.  I went to the bank with her figuring that she did not want to go.  I always worry about what she wants to do, because I love her so much.  I am always concerned what she is thinking rather than doin what I want.  SHe wanted me to take charge of the situtation without having to ask her.  I went back to the office.  On the way back I started talking passionately about I basketball team I follow as they were scheduled to come into town.  She became jealous and wished that I could become more passionate about her.  In reality, I would give up Free final four tickets for her.  She is the most important thing in my life.  BUt once again I did all the wrong things and communicated to her that I was not interested.  Then this past Sunday, we had a nice weekend together.  I intiated sex becasue I was excited and in love with her.  I became distracted and could not finish.  SHe thought that I wither hated her and/or was disinterested in her and began to cry in the act.  Today, I was talking about a camping trip and said I wanted to get a cot.  I meant to say that We should get a cot.  BUt once again I cannot communicate well and said I should get a cot.  Well I she said I was only thinking of myself.  Our whole marriage was this way.  I have every intention of doin what is right, but my actions and words come out wrong leading to an argument in our marriage.  FOr many years I thought working hard and providing a roof over the family and a good lifestyle was a way to show her I loved her.  I did not realize that being there was far more important.

I have read this forum for the past few weeks and realize that there are many women who are frustrated by their husbands.  They relate similar facts and situations to my wife.  Whether I realize it or not I am being lazy around the home, not spending enough time with family, saying inappropriate things, not showing enough affection, being distracted while we are together, no having enough sex, not having sex the right way, having too many fantasies, hyperfocusing on work, have a bad temper and forgetting to special things for birthdays anniversary and holidays.  I admit to all those things.  I do not do drugs and am the sole income earner.  I had a porn addiction for a while.  I stopped that. I have been the sole income earner for the family for 2 years and have always worked.    I do not have any friends anymore.  I have chosen to focus my entire life on my work, my wife and family. 

However, my communication, distractability and laziness causes pain to my wife and family.  I have trouble communicating without frustration with my wife.  I have made her feel unwanted and unloved.  However, I try to please her in anyway I can.  I have come to the conclusion that all I do is cause pain in other peoples life.  Especially my wife.  I am kind hearted.  THe pain you all describe is that of my wife.  She cannot change to avoid my communication problems or the feelings of unwantedness.  SHe will not divorce me because of the affect she believes it will have on the kids.  But kids will heal.  I am too old to start anew and try with someone else.  I have given up my desires in life to be with my wife.  However, I still cause her pain.  I cannot live knowing that I am the cause of someone's feeling of pain, distress or unwantedness.  I also cannot live without her.  SHe, not being able to understand any of my actions or feelings for her should not live this way.  I am so depressed and frustrated.  I can only feel being done with life will be the only way she can be happy.  THat way she can blame the enite marriage on my insanity and of no fault of her own.  If she tries to rescue me from add and depression she will only hurt herself and the kids more.  I want to spare her the pain.  

For all those that are out there, just know that there are husbands who try to love you, try to do the right thing, try to make your life better.  It just comes out wrong.  Either your able to live with that or not.  If you aren't move on.  Spare your partner the pain.  If can, understand where they are coming from.  Understand that they are trying to love you but can't love you the way you want to be loved.  Help them through.  DOn't get mad over the misguided or poorly communicated attempt at love.  Just accept it.  I am done causing others pain,  frustration. and drama.  Especially the woman who I love sooo much.  Good lcuk