My husband and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary.  The last three years have been a roller coaster.  I met my husband 14 years ago.  It was very apparent to me from our first date, that he had ADD.  He first lied about having it, but later admitted he was diagnosed in his early teens.  We struggled at times due to his forgetfulness, impulsiveness, lying and lack of empathy.  However, we managed to get through our ups and downs.  The two years before our son were born, were probably our happiest.  I felt he was becoming more attentive and caring.  When our son was born, a lot of things changed.  My husband wasn't able to handle the stress of everyday life and taking care of a child.  He didn't know how to manage his time and more things began to fall on me.  I have always been the caretaker.  Our relationship was very much a parent/child relationship.  I began to resent my husband for not being more supportive.  He resented me for not taking care of him any longer.  I suffered from bad postpartum depression after our son was born.  Partly because I am a perfectionist and I couldn't control my surroundings and pretend to be "superwoman" anymore.  During this time, my husband didn't know what to do, so he didn't do anything.  My resentment for him got worse.  About three years ago, we had a major fight.  I told him I will not continue with our marriage unless we get counseling.  He willingly went to counseling and said he wanted to save our marriage.  In many ways, I have felt counseling has made our marriage worse.  The first counselor we saw was nice, but I felt like we were just chatting, not really getting anywhere.  She didn't believe a lot of things I said about my husband's lying and gas lighting behaviors.  I was told he doesn't remember, it's his ADD.  Finally he admitted he was manipulating me and she was shocked.  Following that, I decided it was best that I move on to another more qualified counselor.  My husband decided he need to see a male counselor, because women don't understand "male" issues.  One of those issues, being his porn addiction.  During this transition, my husband suffered a tragedy at work.  A young male jumped in front of the train he was driving and committed suicide.  My husband began to suffer symptoms of PTSD, but wouldn't admit to them.  He began to blame all of his depression and anger on our marital problems.  His counselor was also no help.  My husband began to drink heavily and started to have suicidal ideations.  His counselor ignored my pleas to get him more help and felt he was fine.  At one point he even told me, "maybe your husband is just the kind of person who likes to drive drunk."  My husband finally took my advice and participated in a two week intensive outpatient counseling program.  During this time, he became very angry and distant.  He began to drink even more.  I confronted him about it and he attacked me.  At that point, I told him to get the hell out of our house and I'm not going to be a battered woman.  Following this, we separated.  He moved in with his mother and I stayed in our house.  I had been holding it all together until this point.  I started to become severely depressed.  My husband worked on his issues and went off his Adderral.  His ADD worsened.  However, his anger and depression improved.  I felt I would much rather have a forgetful husband than an a$$hole. My depression continued to worsen.  I felt my husband wasn't there for me despite all that I had done for him.  I continued to deal with his lies.  He would lie about watching porn.  He would also lie about smoking, something he knows I hate because many of my relatives have died of cancer.  He promised he would give up smoking.  However, an end never looked like it was coming.  Then he started chewing too.  Finally one day I had it and threw out all of his cigarettes/chew.  He appeared to have given up his smoking and porn.  He was becoming more attentive to my needs.  However, all the trust I had in him had been erroded long before.  I was finally at the point that I was starting to trust him again.  My severe depression was improving.  It's been two months since we've been intimate.  Earlier this week, was the first time I had thought about being with him again.  Then last night, a find a receipt for chew in his pocket.  I confronted him and asked him if there was anything he had wanted to tell me.  He said no.  Finally after telling him I knew he was lying again, he finally admitted he's been smoking again for the last three weeks.  I had suspected as much, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I'm at wits end with the lying.  It never ends!  I'm honestly starting to feel like he could come or go and I wouldn't care.  I don't know how much of those feelings are my true feelings or if it is because of the antidepressant I am on.  Since I started on my antidepressant, I don't care about anything.  I've cut other family out of my life recently, because I just don't care.  I don't feel like I can talk to my counselor anymore about my feelings with my husband.  I feel she is just trying to railroad me into divorce.  I don't talk to my friends anymore about him, because after three years of chaos I know they're tired of hearing about it.  I would be too.  I've seen drastic improvements with my husband, so I can't say things haven't changed.  However, it's the lies I can't deal with.  I feel like I've been to hell and back these last three years.  I just don't know how much more I can handle.  I honestly feel like I have PTSD.  I become very anxious when I hear anyone arguing and avoid conflict at all costs.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I just want peace.