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I am a man with ADD, diagnosed at 43, and am almost two years into processing how this condition has affected me and everyone close to me.
I have a few thoughts for you. He knows about the ADD, very important, and you know too. I personally have feared slipping back into old comfortable habits, because the ADD never goes away even though the meds help a great deal. I use this site as a resource of reminders of ADD's affects on NonAdder's and ADDer's alike. We don't mean to do many of the things that are so mean. There are so many people in emotional pain on this site, but it helps to know you are not alone in the things that you are feeling. Your boyfriend is young, but knows he has ADD, which is more than I knew at 26. He needs to understand that taking the Adderall is great, but you have to do more than the meds to attempt to get a grasp of it. I suggest you read a few of these posts you find to be very close to home and maybe some of his hyper-focus will lock in :-) It has helped me so much. You can buy me all the self-help books in the world and I will never get to them. I can pop on to this site for 10 minutes and get out, or I can write a post about my experience. Very therapeutic... Who knew...
One thing to remember is the meds wear off by early evening if you want any chance of going to sleep at a reasonable hour, which is not great for my spouse. During the day I am a quite high functioning programmer and she gets me in the evening when the Adderall is wearing off and I begin to feel like the old days. No fair to her... If I get my evening power walk in it helps with all things. I stay at a higher level of functionality because I feel better, eat less and after the wind down I am better able to go to sleep.
I was over-weight for most of my adult life, and after treating my ADD I don't self-medicate with food and find that I love to walk. Hmmmm... Eat less and exercise = Lose Weight, who knew... The exercise also helps with dealing with all the things you know you cannot get to. With ADD, I did not worry about anything until it was blowing up in my face. After Adderall I am painfully aware of all the things that must be done. Believe me, Exercise is a BIG Key to this equation. As far as His behaviors and reactions, I recommend reading this site thoroughly... I have posted many things about what is behind my reactions and so have many others. Guilt, low self esteem and the seemingly unstoppable repeat of these disappointing reactions.
I cannot say that I would recommend a relationship with an ADDer, so make sure his positive qualities out-weigh the negative. ADD is my 90% done project that I must keep working on.
I liked your reply, and I think it's awesome that you are now able to realize the affect your ADHD has on others. I am married to a man who was diagnosed when he was 32. He always felt that something wasn't right, and after getting married, and having many heated conversations....he now knows that he indeed has it too. My question to you is what did it take for you to think about the people your actions affected? My husband has yet to do that, and if I had to do it all over again had I known he had this I wouldn't have gotten married I have turned into a person I no longer care to be it's made me bitter,resentful, and very depressed.
I first read "You mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy" recommended by my psychiatrist, after I first met with him. I did not believe I had ADD, like most of us... The book changed my mind. Reading it and reading on this site has made me realize the powerful ways this monster has affected everybody around me. This is quite a burden for my previously oblivious mind. Guilt over my actions/reactions/non-reactions/impulsive stupid decisions and so on. I am very sorry for what you must be going through. My wife still has a lot of anger too, still around almost two years later :-(
I can only keep trying to show improved behaviors and maybe she can begin to believe it is not just a phase, like she has seen before. Also, she has to realize that she controls her anger. I am patient as she obviously has been patient with me. I think, with more time and work, we will get through all of this.
I hope you know there are many out there like you and me, so keep reading and maybe you can get through all of this.
The realization for ADDer is very slow, so it can take years and not necessary it will become solved. Changes from people who have ADD will come slowly if it will come. Then it makes even harder for not ADDer spouses or significant other to make our own changes. We also suffer and feel the ADD symptoms. If you were an secure person before, getting into a ADD relationship, you probably will start to feel insecure, useless, depress, anxious, and even physically ill, we can also started with sleeping problems, and if you have a health condition it will manifest promptly because all these symptoms will affect your immune system, so we the non ADDers have to also to do exercises, get psychologist help, counseling, seek spiritual grow, etc. I am Christian, I was born in a not very active Catholic family but with a mother with faith. At 17 y.o. I became a very active Mormon, and definitively the fact of being active trying to learn how to get close to my Heavenly Father and to increase my faith in Jesus Christ. The Gospel it have playing a huge roll in our endurance in this incredible live challenge. Of course the Gospel will not SOLVE the problem but it teaches us where to go for comfort.
Things get even worse when you have kids because you have to see them suffering and you don't know how to alleviate their pain.
Be patience, and fight every battle with faith. I found effective to fight the events for every angle possible at the same time. Pray, read, participate in online forums, counseling, psychologist, etc.
Here are some of the materials I have being reading since 2004:
1. To help my Children: Family Matter by Evans; Best Friends, Worst Enemies, Understanding the Social Lives of Children by Michael Thompson, Ph.D., with Lawrence J Cohen, Ph. D.
2. To learn about Porn Addiction: Confronting Pornography: A Guide to Prevention and Recovery for Individuals, Loved Ones, and Leaders by Mark D. Chamberlain
3. For personal Healing: The Bible, The Book of Mormon, A new Hearth, Awakening to Your Lifes's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle; Feeling Good by David D. Burns, M.D. ; The 7 habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey; and Spark by John J. Ratey, M.D; The Speed of Trust by Sthephen M.R. Covey
Some of these books I haven't read totally because I also read to disconnect myself and I just read for pleasure ( when my mind can concentrate enough to read).
Good luck and maybe the clue for success in our cases is to fight the battles for every angle possible at the same time.
I am very happy for you. YOU ARE DOING EXERCISES. Unfortunately my husband is not motivated for exercise. I wish, I wish he create a walking routine. But I have very low hope about this.
About a year and a half ago we got a German shepherd puppy and quickly realized if I did not walk him, we would pay...
I noticed how good I felt and the routine went from there. Now the dogs walk if they like it or not, then I walk the second mile by myself, because the dogs slow me down.
I was rarely motivated to exercise before, unless I was hyper-focusing on a diet routine which rarely lasted long.
Help...
Submitted by YYZ on
I am a man with ADD, diagnosed at 43, and am almost two years into processing how this condition has affected me and everyone close to me.
I have a few thoughts for you. He knows about the ADD, very important, and you know too. I personally have feared slipping back into old comfortable habits, because the ADD never goes away even though the meds help a great deal. I use this site as a resource of reminders of ADD's affects on NonAdder's and ADDer's alike. We don't mean to do many of the things that are so mean. There are so many people in emotional pain on this site, but it helps to know you are not alone in the things that you are feeling. Your boyfriend is young, but knows he has ADD, which is more than I knew at 26. He needs to understand that taking the Adderall is great, but you have to do more than the meds to attempt to get a grasp of it. I suggest you read a few of these posts you find to be very close to home and maybe some of his hyper-focus will lock in :-) It has helped me so much. You can buy me all the self-help books in the world and I will never get to them. I can pop on to this site for 10 minutes and get out, or I can write a post about my experience. Very therapeutic... Who knew...
One thing to remember is the meds wear off by early evening if you want any chance of going to sleep at a reasonable hour, which is not great for my spouse. During the day I am a quite high functioning programmer and she gets me in the evening when the Adderall is wearing off and I begin to feel like the old days. No fair to her... If I get my evening power walk in it helps with all things. I stay at a higher level of functionality because I feel better, eat less and after the wind down I am better able to go to sleep.
I was over-weight for most of my adult life, and after treating my ADD I don't self-medicate with food and find that I love to walk. Hmmmm... Eat less and exercise = Lose Weight, who knew... The exercise also helps with dealing with all the things you know you cannot get to. With ADD, I did not worry about anything until it was blowing up in my face. After Adderall I am painfully aware of all the things that must be done. Believe me, Exercise is a BIG Key to this equation. As far as His behaviors and reactions, I recommend reading this site thoroughly... I have posted many things about what is behind my reactions and so have many others. Guilt, low self esteem and the seemingly unstoppable repeat of these disappointing reactions.
I cannot say that I would recommend a relationship with an ADDer, so make sure his positive qualities out-weigh the negative. ADD is my 90% done project that I must keep working on.
Good luck...
YYZ
YYZ, I liked your
Submitted by mepiru on
YYZ,
I liked your reply, and I think it's awesome that you are now able to realize the affect your ADHD has on others. I am married to a man who was diagnosed when he was 32. He always felt that something wasn't right, and after getting married, and having many heated conversations....he now knows that he indeed has it too. My question to you is what did it take for you to think about the people your actions affected? My husband has yet to do that, and if I had to do it all over again had I known he had this I wouldn't have gotten married I have turned into a person I no longer care to be it's made me bitter,resentful, and very depressed.
Mepiru
Thank you :-)
Submitted by YYZ on
I first read "You mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy" recommended by my psychiatrist, after I first met with him. I did not believe I had ADD, like most of us... The book changed my mind. Reading it and reading on this site has made me realize the powerful ways this monster has affected everybody around me. This is quite a burden for my previously oblivious mind. Guilt over my actions/reactions/non-reactions/impulsive stupid decisions and so on. I am very sorry for what you must be going through. My wife still has a lot of anger too, still around almost two years later :-(
I can only keep trying to show improved behaviors and maybe she can begin to believe it is not just a phase, like she has seen before. Also, she has to realize that she controls her anger. I am patient as she obviously has been patient with me. I think, with more time and work, we will get through all of this.
I hope you know there are many out there like you and me, so keep reading and maybe you can get through all of this.
Thanks again for your post.
YYZ
RE: REALIZATION
Submitted by NOVA1986 on
Hi Meripu,
The realization for ADDer is very slow, so it can take years and not necessary it will become solved. Changes from people who have ADD will come slowly if it will come. Then it makes even harder for not ADDer spouses or significant other to make our own changes. We also suffer and feel the ADD symptoms. If you were an secure person before, getting into a ADD relationship, you probably will start to feel insecure, useless, depress, anxious, and even physically ill, we can also started with sleeping problems, and if you have a health condition it will manifest promptly because all these symptoms will affect your immune system, so we the non ADDers have to also to do exercises, get psychologist help, counseling, seek spiritual grow, etc. I am Christian, I was born in a not very active Catholic family but with a mother with faith. At 17 y.o. I became a very active Mormon, and definitively the fact of being active trying to learn how to get close to my Heavenly Father and to increase my faith in Jesus Christ. The Gospel it have playing a huge roll in our endurance in this incredible live challenge. Of course the Gospel will not SOLVE the problem but it teaches us where to go for comfort.
Things get even worse when you have kids because you have to see them suffering and you don't know how to alleviate their pain.
Be patience, and fight every battle with faith. I found effective to fight the events for every angle possible at the same time. Pray, read, participate in online forums, counseling, psychologist, etc.
Here are some of the materials I have being reading since 2004:
1. To help my Children: Family Matter by Evans; Best Friends, Worst Enemies, Understanding the Social Lives of Children by Michael Thompson, Ph.D., with Lawrence J Cohen, Ph. D.
2. To learn about Porn Addiction: Confronting Pornography: A Guide to Prevention and Recovery for Individuals, Loved Ones, and Leaders by Mark D. Chamberlain
3. For personal Healing: The Bible, The Book of Mormon, A new Hearth, Awakening to Your Lifes's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle; Feeling Good by David D. Burns, M.D. ; The 7 habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey; and Spark by John J. Ratey, M.D; The Speed of Trust by Sthephen M.R. Covey
Some of these books I haven't read totally because I also read to disconnect myself and I just read for pleasure ( when my mind can concentrate enough to read).
Good luck and maybe the clue for success in our cases is to fight the battles for every angle possible at the same time.
Good Luck, Nova1986
Re: YYZ
Submitted by NOVA1986 on
I am very happy for you. YOU ARE DOING EXERCISES. Unfortunately my husband is not motivated for exercise. I wish, I wish he create a walking routine. But I have very low hope about this.
Not too much credit for me...
Submitted by YYZ on
About a year and a half ago we got a German shepherd puppy and quickly realized if I did not walk him, we would pay...
I noticed how good I felt and the routine went from there. Now the dogs walk if they like it or not, then I walk the second mile by myself, because the dogs slow me down.
I was rarely motivated to exercise before, unless I was hyper-focusing on a diet routine which rarely lasted long.
Good luck...