Hi, I'm new here. I have ADHD myself but find that I relate more to the non-ADHD partners here because I've had my diagnosis for about 10 yrs now & I have been taking the full-on treatment approach for that whole time, so I have learned many ways of compensating for a lot of the challenges the conditions throws out there. Not all, but a lot. :) Anyway, my BF of 2 yrs is just newly diagnosed & is not even on medication yet. (At least he's seen the dr & is willing to get help). He is a very good man, very loving & selfless in many ways, & an extremely attentive father when he has visits & phone calls with his 2 boys, ages 11 & 14, which is one of the main reasons was drawn to him in the 1st place. My own children's father is hardly ever there for them & was not very good to them when we were together either, so loved this trait in him.
This is a *VERY* sticky situation. As a divorced mother of 3 myself, of course I understand the extreme importance of children maintaining their relationship with their non-custodial parent, (If only my own ex were half as devoted!!) But I have never in my life seen a father so, dare I say, "obsessed" with his children. He sees them 3-4 nights a week, & almost every single weekend. That's AWESOME for his boys, but it leaves precious little time for anything else...especially a relationship.
Whenever they call, he drops everything & runs to them, without even stopping to ask me if we had plans, (or he tries to fit everything in & it never works, stressing us all out). I see him maybe once or twice a week, for a couple of hours.
He also hunts. The other night, he slept over, after we had only an hour an a half alone (my kids were there). We both had the day off the next day-a rare event. He asked if I minded if he went hunting in the morning. I knew he needed to de-stress & that's how he does it so I said sure. Neither of us had anything else going the rest of the day, so I was hoping when he got home, we'd have some time together. He said he'd be home around 10:45. 11:15 came & he was not home yet so texted him. He said he was on his way. I asked what his plans were for the rest of the day, knowing that he did not have his sons this weekend. He wrote back that he was coming home, going to send out a few emails, & then going to pick up his boys from 2:30-5:00. There goes our day off together with no kids....
When I asked how that came about he told me one of his sons called him while he was hunting & asked if he would pick them up after school. He KNEW I was sitting at home & he didn't even check with me to see if would be ok with him just taking off on me again, he just "did it." So I spent my whole day off, OUR day off, alone....
This happens all the time.
I was very upset because we have had a thousand talks about this, especially me feeling like his children rule him & I mean nothing to him, & he tried to reassure me that AM important & he DOES love me but that he didnknow I would want to have time with him that afternoon. WTF??? "That's because you never ASKED! You just said yes to your kids without consulting me! And wanting to spend time with you is a given!" He said he "didn't know that." I've only told him in every conversation we've ever had...
What hurts me so badly is that I think to myself, "he says he didn't know I'd want to be with him, but doesn't HE want to be with ME??" And I said that to him. That I am always the one to make a date with him, to pursue time with him. He never pursues ME. How am I supposed to feel loved if I am always being set aside for hunting & his kids & never sought after on his own? :,(
This hurts me more than I can convey. I am beginning to lose hope because for the entire 2 yrs we've been together he's said he's been working on this but it never changes.
I know I am maybe premature to give up hope because he has not picked up the meds from the pharmacy yet & still needs to try coaching or therapy. But I am just so weary of the hurt that I don't know if we should take a break for a while until he gets some things together on his own for a while? I'm sure he's had enough of my poor reactions to his symptoms as well.
Just so sad :(