I have been with my partner for around 2.5 years, and we currently live together. When we initially started dating, it was a whirlwind romance... we unofficially moved in together after only a month, we were so in love that we talked about our future constantly, and we officially moved in together about 6 months into our relationship when both of our leases were up.
I love my partner more than anything. I see what an incredible human being he is, and that he does always have the best intentions. I've never felt so safe in a relationship but also so unsafe because of the ADHD. Covid hit around 4-5 months into our relationship, and like so many others, we have really been put through the wringer from job loss to egg freezing to losing oneself in their work. Our sex life is struggling to put it mildly, which has brought on its own significant issues, mostly for me. I feel like I am the only one fighting for our relationship, and I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep fighting. We have conversations around "change" and how we're going to do better at least once a month, and I'm exhausted from it because nothing ever changes. The intention is there and he'll try for a week, maybe a few weeks, only to have him never follow through on anything. Whether it's therapy, working out, cutting back on work hours, etc. it only lasts for a blip before we're right back to where we started. I've recommended couples therapy, I'm over here reading books about ADHD in relationships (which we promised to read together, but you guessed it, he hasn't even touched the book), and I'm working on bettering myself in hopes that he'll see me getting better and will want to do the same.
I want this relationship to work, but I don't know what else I can do or how to find sustainable change in our relationship. I'm older than him and am sadly on a bit more of a time crunch when it comes to kids, and I feel like our relationship has completely halted because he's in this slump he can't/won't get himself out of. I've grown angry and resentful that our relationship isn't where I feel like it should be, and that I'm the only one who seems to care about getting us to a good place.
What do I do?
smorgan87,
Submitted by soloman747 on
smorgan87,
A partnership takes effort on behalf of both partners to succeed. While inability to follow through is a hallmark of ADHD, there is really no excuse for not getting treatment as quickly as possible once diagnosed. This disorder wreaked havoc on relationships if not properly managed. I know. It has wreaked havoc on mine. The improvement can only begin once treatment has started.
Soloman747
Submitted by LonelyInLove_No... on
Soloman747,
My husband was re-diagnosed about a year ago. Once receiving the diagnoses he almost immediately became uninterested in getting help... He lost interest in starting his own business and therefore felt he no longer needed to address his ADHD. At that point I lost my patients and told him if he didn't get help I wasn't staying. We've been together almost 19 years. He then agreed to couples therapy but was unsuccessful for a variety of reason. We are approaching the 1 year mark of the re-diagnoses and he just started medication, still does not have a therapist and will try for a week or two then lose interest. He has a short fuse and gets angry or has a meltdown anytime I stick to a boundary or ask him to do something he is not interested in (could be a chore, could be spending time with me). He says he loves me but that the ADHD prevents him from making any progress/taking almost any steps in getting help... At what point to you say the ADHD isn't an excuse?
I really feel this, Lonely
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I finally got a diagnosis for my ex-husband and even meds (took me years to get there), but it made no difference. Based on my personal experience and reading this forum, I honestly feel that it's very much due to the fact that THEY don't want a better marriage. We do. My marriage was just what my husband wanted. No accountability, no work, could live like a teenager. I, on the other hand, was killing myself to pick up the slack with the household, work, parenting and other family and friend obligations. Why the heck would he want to change? Change would mean he'd have to wipe up spills, be accountable, pay a bill and maybe have a hard conversation or two. What's motivating about that? He was super happy with his life and a marriage that was nothing more than a roommateship. Change was work he didn't want to do for a result he didn't want to have. It's hard to work with that.