Our relationship has improved greatly in the past few weeks. I've learned (through reflection and visiting with my own therapist) to back off a little. I was rather critical and "nagged" more then necessary. A long story short things are going great. We are both more relaxed, I feel happy again, with him and myself, he's willing to hear me out now and is not as sensitive or tries to be more conscious of his responses and questions as do I.
Everything has improved greatly expect in the bedroom. He's had excuse after excuse for not desiring sex... the meds, my nagging/mothering (no longer an issue), his social anxiety...with me?, not wanting to be touched. I think now though that he just doesn't desire sex physically. He'll watch porn... which I find selfish between months of waiting. Why does he get find release while I lie alone for months.
I realize it's not all him. I shouldn't depend on him 100% to satisfy me. Through therapy I've also learned to work on satisfying myself. But to be honest that doesn't cut it anymore...in a way it makes me feel more alone afterward.
In that past I've tried wearing lingerie, suggesting toys in the bedroom, watching porn together, being coy.... but I don't do that anymore I feel rejected each time he says "I'm tired", "I don't feel like it", "later", or he just gives me that sad or angry look. He's tried to make it clear it's not me it's him, he tells me he love's me everyday, how beautiful I'am, and that he appreciates me.
But when he spends hours watching porn or playing his game at all hours of the night (the porn is an on again off again thing and is not ALL the time) I don't feel respected, appreciated or beautiful.
I used to be really open and fun in bed but after our sex life drying out to once a month or less I've lost confidence in myself. to be continued...