Hi all, I'm new to this site, but I've been reading it with ever-opening eyes for the past few days. I just realized that I am a woman with ADD and my husband and I are on our way to a classic control/parent/child situation. I am so relieved to have found this sight. All these years I thought I was lazy and undisciplined and now I find answers, people describing themselves, conversations, and situations that could be me.
My (immediate) question is this. I was reading through one of the other posts and I came across someone talking about trying to talk to her ADHD husband and having him shut her down by saying "I am not talking about this right now!" She described this by saying he was "attacking" her.
Reading this exchange absolutely floored me. I say this ALL THE TIME to my husband. But when I say it I feel like I am protecting myself from a conversation that has quickly spiraled into yelling and blaming, where nothing I will say will satisfy him, and where it is just rehashing the same thing over and over again. I never even considered that this might be perceived by my husband as me attacking him.
I guess my question for other ADHD people is, Do you find yourself saying this or similar phrases a lot? And for similar reasons or different ones?
And my question for the non-ADHD spouse is do you hear your spouse saying this a lot? Do you perceive this as them attacking you? Does it ever work as the ADD spouse intends (that is, to stop the conflict for that moment). And is there anything else they could say to you in this situation that would make you realize "I'm am feeling completely overwhelmed by your anger right now, can we please shift gears?" I guess I could say that, but it rarely occurs in the heat of the argument. Or would that make you angry as well?
I mean, I said this TODAY to my husband. I say it when I feel like he has the bit in his teeth, so to speak, and nothing I say is going to convince him of my point of view. And that nothing I say or do "now" is going to help. It's a phrase born of complete hopelessness, at least for me. Feeling hopeless that he will ever NOT be angry at me.
But I can see from the non-ADD point of view (and what my husband always says) is that there is NEVER a time when that is a good time to talk about this for me. I just want to know if there's anyway past this particular communication impasse. Because I guess, from my point of view, I feel like we ARE always having this conversation about how I screwed something else up, or failed in some way, and my husband feels like we are NEVER having this conversation in a way that satisfies him (i.e. I guess, that makes me "change"). What would have to be said on both sides to make it seem like communication is happening?
If this issue was addressed on one of the other forums, I'd love to be pointed to it.