I'm the problem, seeking a solution

Welcome...

Submitted by RitaMargarita on Wed, 04/29/2015 - 18:22

I don't think you're an asshole, nor will most posters, I think. We all wish we had spouses who were so self-aware. That is commendable within itself.

You said you have a good job...safe to assume you also have good insurance? If so, make an appointment with a psychiatrist. Preferably one with experience in treating adult ADD and depression.

As for your diagnosis - who knows. I think ADD and depression go hand in hand. I think the shame and self-loathing from the ADD makes one unhappy and unmotivated. Which then creates a vicious cycle.

Honestly, reading your post, part of me wishes my recent ex were that aware of how his ADD killed our relationship, and that he were willing to do more than take a pill to "fix" it (btw, if you do have ADD, you'll need more than meds to function better, though they do help).

On a personal note, I kicked my BF, soon to be fiance/H out last week because I finally had it with his ADD and inability to do ANYTHING for himself. The final straw was lying to me, which, in retrospect, I'm sure he did to cover his shame for not doing the very simple task he had to do...

There are lots of women on this site who are in very long-term relationships and they are (seemingly) soul-less. I still don't get how or why they stay in such hellish lives, but don't discount your wife's ability to throw you out, considering the marriage is so new.

You see your entire life circling the drain. At this point, it's up to you if you care to course correct or not. I really hope you choose wisely, grasshopper.

Don't give up on meds

Submitted by doublej on Wed, 04/29/2015 - 19:17

There are lots of different varieties of ADHD meds. You may have to experiment to find one that works for you. Don't give up after one try. Ask your wife for feedback, too, of how the meds are affecting you.

Hard to say whether or not it's ADHD, BUT...

Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on Wed, 04/29/2015 - 20:53

I, too, was organized as a child. I GOT AN ALLOWANCE. Everyday, my mom gave me money for making my bed and cleaning my room. I also set out my outfits daily the night before. My mom never had to yell at me to get going in the morning, either. Weird, when I think about how severe my ADHD is, but we had a routine, and we stuck to it. The allowance was but a trifle, but it was instant feedback, and that's what I needed.

As an adult, I have more crap, more responsibilities, and so much more paper to contend with; it's not even remotely comparable. I think with ADHD, you get to the point where your the range and number of your duties exceed your executive functioning. It happens sooner for some, later for others, depending on what they have going on, the severity of their ADHD, AND how many people they have in their life who DO FOR them or who scaffold areas of weakness so the tasks are achievable.

Don't think you're an asshole for having difficulties. You care enough to be here, right?

And I also have trouble getting focused when my spouse is out. Speaking of which, he's out right now, and I must get back to cleaning. Boo.

I use an app called brili to get things done. It's for kids (son uses it) with ADHD, but it works really well.

There are a number of medications to try. I have tried most. Working with a doc who is flexible about experimenting (and who doesn't treat you like an addict for wanting to experiment and switch things up) is key.

Not being able to accomplish your goals is depressing, so I get it!

Thanks all, for your advice.

Submitted by GoodApaullo on Thu, 04/30/2015 - 14:23

I have a doctors appointment set up for next month. Psychiatrists have helped me in my past, especially with my childhood related depression. On the other hand, I tried seeking council for my attention problems and depression soon after I was given a promotion and more responsibility, and it just didn't work out. Of course, it was office appointed and free, so I couldn't choose based on experience/expertise. I may give it another try, after researching some folks in my area, as I know that good counseling has been effective for me before. I'll look into that app you suggested as well.

Again, thanks.

I think many of us are impressed that you're taking .....

Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Fri, 05/01/2015 - 03:43

...you're taking responsibility for your problems.

You acknowledge your issues, and you want to get help. Sounds to me that you do have depression, along with ADHD, but a T can further Dx and treat....and you need the right meds. What were you on beffore?

>>>

it's most likely that I've got a few other problems stemming mostly from my parents divorce at age 12, but I lost all of my drive and started to give way to every temptation, every thought, anything that would peek the curiosity in my brain for any direct moment regardless of the consequences.

>>>>

Be sure to talk to your T about this, and your age at the time that the marriage STARTED falling apart and then broke up. In my own limited experience, I've noticed that when homes break up around THAT age, there are often serious consequences to the children.

Good luck!

Hello GoodApaullo...

Submitted by c ur self on Fri, 05/01/2015 - 12:09

I don't think you are an asshole, I'm past that stage:)...My wife who lives in basically the same mind, with basically the same results has endured the "you're an asshole stages of my ignorance"...Bless her heart! We are recovering though...Thank the Lord!!!..

You sound just like her, except you seem to be a little more self-aware, which is a good thing...I can tell you this, if she gets up and tries to work on her job, or at home, without an adderall or two...She basically can't function...(distractions would get her fired) But, if she takes an adderall or two...She can be a machine:)

This comment of your's..."give way to every temptation, every thought, anything that would peek the curiosity in my brain for any direct moment regardless of the consequences.

I think this is add...I don't claim to know or even believe much of what I read about what add is...But, this statement is exactly what I see in people who suffer what we term as an add mind....My wife's life style has been exactly this statement...It cost her in many way's, heath etc....

You are right in addressing yourself, and your behaviors w/o excuse!....Your communication with your wife is vital for your marriage...Peaceful and truthful is the only way...It's just to much to swallow the excuses and denial...

Man, I'm going to pray for you...God is able!

it gets better brother

Submitted by Geese on Sun, 05/03/2015 - 21:17

Apaullo You sound like me a month ago. Almost to the T. Selfaware but at wits end as you possibly could have a train wreck at any moment. I had also started a new job and it was the new health insurance that saved me. I went to a psychiatrist and they quickly diagnosed me hooked me up with Vyvanse and gave a few behavioral tips. I devoured other tips from YouTube videos on the topic of working with ADHD and I carefully read the tales of daily torture from the competent minded spouses on this site who come here to commiserate and (for want of a more respectful word) moan. A month in: I'm on fire at work making money for the company and myself. Remarkably, I'm popular and squared away. At home I went from a 3 out of 10 where 10s the best to about a 6. Still a lot of work to do in the emotional intelligence area but I feel like its improving quickly. The self denigating voice, part of the ADHD condition, is all gone during daylight hours and occasionally even in evenings. My tips: 1) Others: don't expect immediately positive reactions from people. you might notice the changes in yourself immediately, but they still see you through a lense of low expectations. When you mess up they may be as unforgiving as they are now. Please don't let this bother you. They'll gradually come around as slowly seems to be the case with the folks in my life. 2) drugs: pills don't teach skills - and there is no cure for this bad boy. ADD for life!!! Vyvanse for me is like the pill from the Limitless movie. I feel like I can do anything. It gives me a filter between my words and thoughts, banishes the selftalk "voice" that steals my mojo. It keeps me focused on my task list and lets me use more of my relatively high IQ. BUT... it does not stop all the bad habits I've built up over the years, so I needed to undo those myself. Still working on it. Hyperfocus, time keeping issues etc are related to adhd but have to be actively (un)learned and/or controlled by you yourself. Not your meds. Also, my meds last about 10 hours a day, then all mentally becomes more or less as before. Forget my Vyvanse one morning and I'm figuratively swimming with lead boots again! Also, I might have to up the dose as I'm not sure of I'm developing a little bit of a tolerance to the positive effects... 3) Avoid overwhelm: momof2 hit the nail on the head "I think with ADHD, you get to the point where the range and number of your duties exceed your executive functioning." Journal worthy observation. If you want to be in control, cut some of the horses loose from your 20 horse stage coach. You'll go slower, but you'll be in control and finally go where you want to go. Hope that helps!

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