As I've mentioned in a few other posts I don't have a really bad marriage situation like a lot of people who post here. I'm so sorry for how difficult many people's lives are. When I heard Melissa talk about this book I really thought it sounded like my husband and I thought if this is what's going on with us maybe we can improve our marriage by learning more. After reading here though I sometimes wonder what am I thinking - my life is heaven compared to many. I'm reading the book though and it's very good. My husband has never been diagnosed with ADD/HD but the more I read the more I'm sure he has it. Everything sounds just like him - though the impact on his life is not terribly severe unless it has something to do with the fact he's not been able to stay employed longer than about 18 months over the past 10 or so years. He had one job for a long time but then after being laid off he has had five jobs in the last ten years and is currently unemployed again.
The employment situation hasn't devastated his life because I have a good job and we don't live beyond our means so we don't have financial problems as a result of that. Some other reasons I don't think this has had as much negative impact on us is that he lets me run our finances and we don't have any kids. I could not do the job I do plus be completely responsible for the kids which is how it would be.
I do also think that our marriage isn't so bad because we have maybe "instinctively" done some of the things Melissa describes in her book. I rarely nag or get outwardly angry because I think I learned long ago that nagging doesn't get any more done and getting angry just makes matters worse. He has made it clear to me that I'm an overly perfectionist, controlling person. I agree with this and I've tried to moderate my behavior. He doesn't say much but I think from some things he says that he maybe feels somehow "inadequate" or "inferior" to me. This probably started in college when I did very well academically and he did not and has carried on as my career has gone well and his has not. So I make a big point of doing everything I can to bolster his ego and self esteem. He's a pretty up beat, positive, can do person even under difficult circumstances but I think it would be very easy for him with his employment situation to sink into a negative abyss.
I'm reading in the book now about getting to the point where you accept that you are not going to change the person and you have no control over them and can only control your own life and try to be the best person you can be and be as happy as you can. I can really remember getting to this point where I decided I'm simply not going to dwell on the negative or what he doesn't do or how he seems irresponsible and I'm just not going to be bitter, angry and unhappy about this. I have the capacity and ability to do what needs to be done and I'm just going to do it and move on. Getting into this state of mind was a very good thing for me.
I still don't like that I am responsible for most everything but on the other hand I do like being in control of things so in that respect it comes naturally to me. What I most don't like is that I feel like we are drifting apart - sometimes acting more like roommates than husband and wife. I'm relieved though to know there is perhaps a logical explanation for all of this because I have at times felt very hurt that he "didn't care about me". He would always say that wasn't true but the actions spoke louder than words - but now I have a better understanding.
I read some things to him from the book - mostly positive traits of ADHDers that sound like him - like the fun person everyone loves to be around. To that he said really? I wonder what the deal is with me and jobs. I said nothing - though I do think if he does in fact have ADD it probably has something to do with his employment situation.
Anyway, I think the book is very good and helpful and it makes a lot of sense to me based on my experience. He's somewhat interested in this too I think so hopefully he will read it when I'm done so we can talk about some of the "issues". I sincerely hope people who are in such troubled situations find a way to a better place. I think the book can be a helpful resource but the kind of change described is not easy especially if you are really hurting.