Does anybody else feel sad for how they have changed being married to an ADHD person? It is quite possible I am having a big ol' midlife crisis (I am 44) but lately I think about what I was like 20 years ago and what I am like now. Of course I would change and grow over 20 years of marriage and life and two kids, but what I thought about the world and my place in it--that is totally different. I used to think my husband was the man of my dreams--I used to tell him so. Now I cannot imagine that I ever felt that way. I used to be so happy being married now I regret that choice I made 20 years ago and all it has cost me emotionally and financially. I used to think I could solve any problem if I just thought about it enough and worked on it enough, now I wonder if there is anything I can really do. I used to assume husband would have my back, because isn't that what husbands do??, but now I assume he does not. I have virtually no expectations of him at all. He is not the first person I think to call when something good or bad happens. When he travels on business, I don't notice or care if he calls during the day or not. When he emails me his itinerary for a trip, I generally delete it without looking at it because I don't care where he is. It's so much easier when he is not home-that's all I care about. Every year for the past, oh, ten years, a friend from church has sent me flowers at work on Valentine's Day. I have never told hubby. Because why? I get bonuses at work and don't tell him. Because why? If I go out with friends when he is out of town, I generally don't mention it because why. And I really don't like my own behavior. I feel like it doesn't matter one bit how I behave towards him because he either won't notice or won't remember. I am not unkind, just pretty detached. I don't like feeling that powerless. I feel totally unimportant. And what is really funny is we see a counselor and I just asked hubby this morning how he thinks we are doing and he said pretty good!!!! So he is fine. Me, I am not fine. If I had a daughter that felt this way and acted this way, I would want her out of there RIGHT NOW but I can't afford it.
I am not explaining this right. He has lied to me on so many occasions that by and large I just assume that what he says may or may not be true. He told our kids that he started driving at age 10. In what universe would that occur??? Even they were like, "yeah, okay dad..." How stupid. He texted me from out of town asking me what Vera Bradley was and my first reaction was WHY? why do you care? what did you do? Not, oh-it's a purse-luggage-bags kind of place. I always assume the worst. I hate that about myself now. To look at the person you promised to love honor and cherish until death do you part and think-when are you going out of town again so I can be myself is pretty crummy. If I did leave, what would I be like? How much of myself is left? I used to have a spark. Would it come back? Is it too late? Mostly I hate how I feel when I think about being married to him forever. I feel like I am choking. I just cannot be trapped like this for the rest of my life but right now there is no way out. That makes me sad. I did not see myself counting the days until I could leave and be free. I figured marriage would be a forever thing, not a thing that sucked the life out of me. And yet he feels fine. It's like we live in parallel worlds. Anybody else feel sad for how they have changed for the worse? I am not proud of what I have become at all. I feel like a fake at my job where I am competent and well liked and organized and then I get home and have no idea how to act with him around. When he is out of town, it's much better and that statement makes me sad too.
Hi, dvance. I get it. My
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Hi, dvance. I get it. My husband has, by his choices, rendered himself irrelevant to me and my life. I'm financially independent, and we live apart; he lives with and takes care of his aging parents. I, too, am not unkind, just detached. There are things I think a person should tell his or her spouse, but I don't tell these things to my husband, because it has been many years since he has shown any interest in me or my life. I get along OK but sometimes I'm overcome by sadness at how my life has turned out. I cherish our daughters, but they are young adults and have flown the nest. I enjoy my work but when I come home, I'm alone, except for the dog, for hours and sometimes days at a time. It didn't have to be this way. I'm really a decent person.
I totally get it!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I really hope that those who have partners like ours who are considering marrying them really take our words to heart.
now I regret that choice I made 20 years ago and all it has cost me emotionally and financially.
Absolutely 100% regrets. My only joys are my kids and my business. There are way too few fun times with H to matter.
When my kids and I are together, we have a blast. We call ourselves the Three Musketeers. Our kids really dislike their dad. They don't respect him. He's embarrassed them WAY too many times. He has let us down. He has ruined too many vacations and holidays. He is a loose cannon. He's unpredictable.
When it's just the 3 of us, there are no worries that the day or evening is going to "turn bad". Yet, when H is around, there is ALWAYS that fear. ALWAYS.
Submitted by coco8712 on
my heart and utmost respect go out to you ladies for going thru and being there in the marriage and all the stuff your husbend puts you ladies thru. it is sad they dont appreciate it or just for once think of your suffering and how lucky they are to have you be their side. i am with or was my bf adhd/bipolar for a year & 6 months he told me of his adhd i didnt believe him how bad it can be but wow i go thru his eps every month or so when hes meds hes happy the loving man i know him as just a gentle happy soul a joy to be around oh hes wonderful, then he flips and he takes it out on me any thing i do or dont do hes pist and punishes me isolates me silent treatment for 3-5 days i dont loose my temper im calm im nice respectful and let him vent while i cry and am left with the words he tells me . i love him so much it seems nothing i do will change him he has ignored my calls my texts he brokeup with me he belittles me ,disrespects me and im seeking a therapist after this im so brainwashed hurt and i still want him ? i still wana love him and be his him be mine:(i have been reading these threads and i relate to all too well i never get a thank you he says i choose to be here , its my fault but wt heck i love him instead of being a jerk how about sayin im sorry i love you thanks for being here for me !!! i been insulted,disrespected,the butt of his jokes his nasty humor ,etc....im so in love i never been like this before i am trying not to call text its so hard i am itchin im going crazy with or without him i wana go back to a few days ago when we all all peachy keen . i know it will always be something to flip his switch itll always be me not him ill never get that sorry or support from him i can be the best which i been and hell always find a flaw :(he threatens me with women he needs an exciting alive women im boring im lifeless just nonsense. i know this is all his eps but im scared this is really it no more him no more eps i love him and am in a heartache so bad i wana move to another state start a new life
You're not alone.
Submitted by Tired-to-my-bones on
Hi dvance - I get it too. You're not alone. I too am sad at who I've become. I'm truly not bothered whether my husband contacts me whilst he's away. I actually can't stand his telephone style and am frequently grinding my teeth with irritation after about 30 seconds. He whitters and he sounds false. I've thought for many years that he lives in a parallel universe, creating his own narrative. In many ways we've lived parallel lives. Him, I now realise, because that's the way he is, and me because I have had to adapt and mould and reshape around him. In the early years I used to look forward to going on holiday with him as there was a chance to spend time with each other, enjoying each other's company. I mistakenly thought that we would learn together and grow together. I have reached the point where the idea of a fortnight on my own with him fills me dread. For the simple reason that he doesn't learn from experience. For him life exists in the 'now' and 'not now'. It's like living with a goldfish.For my own (precarious at the moment) survival I have had to separate myself off from him. I can tolerate him at a basic level. But I don't believe much of what he says. I don't expect him to remember much. I try not to rely on him (and certainly not for important emotional stuff). It all makes me so, so sad. And the saddest thing is, is that there is still a tiny spark of hope, a tiny part of me wishing that he will some day wake up. I thought that we had had a break through last year when he recognised his ADHD. He recognised his emotional abuse. He told me that he felt guilty about what he has put me through. He spoke about getting counselling. Nothing has come of it. When it has been raised in conversation, I am told that these things can't be rushed. That he is busy. I have spent my married life waiting and waiting and waiting. Being patient. I am currently off work with physical and mental exhaustion. Having constantly grown my own motivation, nurtured my own resilience and kept on going, I am now utterly worn out with the crap life has thrown at me. I love my job and I am good at it. You're not being fake dvance, you are having to cope with mixed messages. I believe the message that you are competent and well- liked and organised. You are having to deal with someone who just doesn't see or hear you, except when he has need that must be met for himself. For me, my experience has been that once that need has been met, I cease to exist. The 'now' and 'not now' phenomenon.
This is so what I deal with too.
Submitted by c ur self on
(The 'now' and 'not now' phenomenon.) When a person walks in the house, or walks in the room while you are reading, or watching TV or what ever, and decides because they are bored, or they can take a moment to fit you into their schedule because they decide it's what needs to happen..LOL...then you should let them change things to fit what they want...lol...Oh me!...How many time's have I let this happen...You know we start out just thinking well I'm hungry for some fellowship, so I can stop what I'm doing and do what she wants...But, all I did was enable the monster...Now I'm like yep...I'm busy...lol...unless I'm really not. Seriously, I wonder how many of us live w/ someone who is so self-absorbed or who's brain works in this manner, that life w/them always feels either intrusive or like you've been abandoned?
Submitted by freyja on
yes. so very yes. Now mine gets mad because i filled my life with other things and i refuse to let him break in when i'm doing something else.
Hi Freyja...Mine's better....
Submitted by c ur self on
I"ve learned to (for lack of a better way to say it)...Hold my ground...It's not that I do not want to be flexible, and approachable...But, I do feel calm recognition of our behaviors (if possible) is vital for growth. I've learned to not get entangled in detailed conversation (pointing it out) concerning little things...because of denial....Simple, short, KIND:) answers fosters accountability...To just smile and say I'm fine...Leave's no room to get dragged into conflict because I refuse to allow myself to be controlled, so she has to walk off and deal w/her own thoughts or feelings...
Much the same
Submitted by Sopfia on
Yea, he thinks things a better, or fine, or we are on the right track...but I am miserable. I hate who I have become. I fake it through each day for the sake of peace. I hide upstairs and dread him coming up to see what I'm doing or because he needs entertained. His needs are met and mine are not ..ever. I don't think he is screwing around, but he is a musician and a flirt. This is so disrespectful to me. I think he stays because I afford him a certain lifestyle he cannot have on his own. A nice home and all the time to do what he wants when he want and he think ps he has earned that. Not really. He has been irresponsible in the past and still has those tendencies, I know he is an alcoholic,but he mostly keeps a handle on it. He thinks he accepts me for who I am and I don't accept him. He's right. I work 50 hour weeks. He works 10 hour weeks. He is a musician so he thinks playing with GarageBand on his iPad constitutes work. I think it is a hobby and he should spend more time in reality taking care of the household. Instead he is sucked on to a monitor of some kind 10 hours a day. TV, iPad, computer, Netflix, Facebook. I know this stems from his ADD and hyper focusing. He can't function without hyper focusing on one thing at a time. If he tries to multi task he has major screw-ups/brain farts. He can't remember what just happened or was said in a conversation yesterday. He will make comments and the totally deny saying what he said. I am tempted to record every conversation. I can't afford to keep my house with out his help and he can't afford to leave. Trapped. He is always reading some self help book and thinking he has found the answers. I hate Wayne dyer thanks to him going so over board with "living an inspired life". Inspired to do nothing constructive. He wants me to forget the past. Sure. A get out of everything I have done that has hurt you, screwed up your life, made you feel like shit, and been selfish and self absorbed. No problem. In other words not take responsibility for his actions. A get out if life free card as it were. Not a second chance..more like..a tenth chance. He has said in the past he would seek help for his ADD, but like so many other who have been written about here..he does not follow through. It's my fault for not accepting him for who he is. But he accepts me for who I am. Well if he worked like I do, and took responsibility for something besides his needs I might be accepting too. But he never does. If he spends an hour doing house work of a day he thinks he's done enough. If he does nothing and I say something he actually says "so, I took a day off". OMG what is that? I spend my days off playing catch up from being gone at work all week. If I don't do it it doesn't get done. But I am unacceptable of him the way he is. Absolutely. At 65 I know he is not going to change. I need to move on, but I am stuck. Faking being the least bit happy just for the sake of peace. He has ruined the last ten years of my life and he calls his life "simple". Sometimes I literally hate him I feel so used. I find it so hard to believe anyone can be that self absorbed. I am just a judge-mental bitch with expectations that ruin everything. Oh yea I forgot.. No sex. For years it has been like twice a year but I know he satisfies himself. It was great until the day we moved in together (in three months) and then it almost stopped altogether. I am a sexual being and he has ruined that too. I keep trying to love him "for who he is" but I think it's too late in our lives and unfair for me to make all the compromises. It as if my needs and wants are...my tuff luck.
Hate being bitter and resentful,
Submitted by kaycee_michelle on
Reading what yall have posted and relating oh so well after not even having been married a year! It feels like I have become a shell of myself. I'm so lost I don't know what to do...did I make a mess out of my life by getting married to this man?!?i can't get over this feeling like I have been duped. This is not the man I dated at all. I can't believe how many people say their spouse seems to have flipped the switch after marriage or suddenly we are married and I see what I thought was once charming is now what's making me crazy! I appreciate each of you sharing, it's helped me to realize I need to "do me" as they say. I need to get back to reading books like I used to, getting back on my bike out in nature and spending time with God, journaling and listening to worship music to keep my focus on Him...not my husband and our roller coaster relationship. I feel like I forgot my self worth is not in his lack of affection and/or behavior towards me. I need to stop letting his moods affect mine so much. appreciating when we do actually have good times together and let go of things around the house that bug me. I just hope and pray he will try to work on this with me as we've only just begun...
It's funny I should read this
Submitted by GailT on
It's funny I should read this thread today as I've just had this exact conversation with someone in real life.
I used to be a strong, funny, smart, sexy woman. I was upbeat and positive. I was fun to be with and had interests and friends. I ran a house and car, had a few quid in the bank.
After living with someone with ADHD for years, I became a shadow of my former self to the point where I had a breakdown. I was overwhelmed with always having to be the fixer, the person who got all the dreary stuff in life to deal with whilst my (then) partner got to be fun time frankie and only deal with the fun stuff. My friends stopped coming to our house because my partner had issues with tone, so he would appear unfriendly or unwelcoming. One bad decision after another meant mounting debt. I walked on eggshells more often than not just to try to avoid yet another mood.
I'm aware I have become very negative. I no longer know what I like personally, it's almost as if there is no personal me any more, I've just become an extension of my ex partner's needs and I've morphed into some sort of support blanket to keep us all afloat rather than an individual with feelings emotions and needs of her own.
He detached from me a couple of months ago now and I need to start again in life but I feel used up and I'm kinda like an empty shell now. I don't know who I am, what I like or anything else. I am still struggling with how another person's issues could have such a huge impact on me.
I empathise with all of you.
Fun Time Frankie vs. Responsible Rhonda
Submitted by on the edge on
This came up in a conversation with my ADD husband the other day. He said that I bring organization to the marriage and that was something he admired about me and knew he lacked, while he is better at creativity and spontaneity. And I said "so I get to be the responsible one while you get to be the fun one."
I think he detached from me a long time ago but didn't move towards divorce because then he'd have to take care of himself. If I wasn't around, he'd eat cold cereal or pizza for every meal and there would always be dirty dishes and nothing would ever be cleaned.
And yes, I'm not sure who I am any more because I've tried so hard to keep things afloat. I didn't have any outside interests because I never knew when he'd come home from work and the kids couldn't be home alone. He says he frequently told me to go out and do things with friends on a Saturday or whenever and it's true that he said that. But I knew that if I did that, I'd come home to a disaster. Or he'd sleep most of the day away and the kids would have to fend for themselves.
But now my kids are older and can take care of themselves and I'm slowly trying to figure out who I am and what I want to be doing. It's a slow process and therapy is helping a lot.
I hope that you can find yourself again. I know our real selves are buried somewhere under all the chaos.
We All Deserve Better
Submitted by lonelyspouse on
I am both comforted and horrified to know that I am not alone in feeling the way I do about a man to whom I committed to love and spend my life.
I grew up in a "normal" family- intact parents and extended family- no drugs, alcoholics, cheaters, etc. I always felt safe and secure- even when I hit those rough teenage years when everyone questions where they're going and rebels against authority.
When I met my husband, he was funny,charming, and attentive. Fast forward 31 years, and he is funny, charming, and attentive- to almost anyone but me. He both resents and counts on my steadfastness and loyalty. I resent his selfishness and unwillingness to recognize the equality of the needs and wants of the other people in our family. And even though it shouldn't, it hurts and angers me that outsiders, those who have no real interest in him as anything more than an acquaintance, get the best of him while his family gets the scraps.
We have all lost something of ourselves while we tried to believe in these partners. We invested out time, our efforts, our hearts, while often they did not- or even recognize the cost to us of caring for them.
We're scarred- now we are damaged. And we have to find a way to heal either with or without them. Sacrificing ourselves for partners who will never understand what it cost us to stand by them is not a good use of a life. We owe ourselves and our children more. I am ashamed that I have not been a better role model for my daughter- I don't ever want her to end up like me.
Submitted by kaycee_michelle on
Don't believe everything you think.
That really hit home thank you...my thoughts are so different from what they used to be.
I'm going to chew on this for awhile and replace certain thoughts with better ones.
Submitted by jennalemone on
Yes, this is how my dh is too. Exactly how I am too.
See a post I just uploaded called Fear and Paralysis.....although it took me years to get to a point where I might actually admit that I did not have a great "connection" with my father, I labeled it "good enough". But, I ask myself, if I expected too little and asked for too little from my dh. My family was "normal" too.
Submitted by c ur self on
(He both resents and counts on my steadfastness and loyalty.) I don't know about other readers, but, this statement of yours is so true for my wife's feelings toward me also. My lifestyle of being responsible to my commitments while appealing to her, was so glaringly different from her day to day living of life that she would withdraw.
I take the blame for much of our past troubles...When she desired to control things, (which is the way she thinks), and insisted on the chaos, I became such an enabler in the name of "getting along for peace sake" all I did was pour gas on the fire. I would go along with things knowing it wasn't right for my life, family or our marriage...Eventually the underlying damage I was packing back started surfacing in stress, anger, bitterness which just lead to more and more conflict...When all I needed, really needed, was to step off the merry-go-round and learn to simply and calmly say No, and walk away... But, I had to explain it to her! LOL...there in lied my death sentence:(
We are so much better today (thank you Jesus) because I can say no, I can accept her (not agree much of the time) but accept....Not many married couples or people in general can understand our situation. But, I've found out if I just live my convictions and not place them on her, much of my problems go away.
I'm not saying I don't wish things were different...I wish all the things many on this forum wish...I wish she was able to walk in a room, quietly:) walk over to me calmly:) and just say: How are you? And, really want an answer...I wish she felt it was important to show up to church when it starts, instead of coming in when service is half over. I wish she could just be at peace being what God's word say's a wife should be...And I hope I never forget the peace I'm experiencing just focusing on my responsibility to be the husband God has called me to be! regardless of what comes in return...I'm only responsible for my part, and that's a lot...
It ain't a competition..:)
"I'm not saying I don't wish
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"I'm not saying I don't wish things were different...I wish all the things many on this forum wish...I wish she was able to walk in a room, quietly:) walk over to me calmly:) and just say: How are you?"
This sentence made me smile due to familiarity, especially the part about walking into a room QUIETLY. That has never happened to me EVER. I do get frustrated with the constant loud noise with no quiet and "down" time. My husband just CAN NOT be quiet........EVER. Whether it's talking, whistling, singing, talking loudly out loud, banging cupboards and then leaving them open for me to close, or stomping, slamming doors, making TONS of SOUND whenever and wherever he is. It gets terribly embarassing in church and at concerts, etc., where you are expected to be QUIET. He can NOT whisper........he talks regular voice just a tiny bit softer. I don't get it. And then when he is LOUD......he is DEAFENING. His voice is extremely booming, and can make my ears ring. Many, many people have jumped off their seats when he walks in a room and starts his loud talk. Do they HAVE TO BE LOUD? Is it a requirement? or something they learn?
Submitted by freyja on
I so identify with what you said. I feel like I'm mourning the free-spirited, passionate, full of fire woman i was before 18 years of this beat it out of me. I feel you, I hear you, you are not alone.
It's intrinsic to life for them....
Submitted by c ur self on
Many hyperactive (neurotransmitter circuit problems) people talk to themselves, and busy their body limbs w/ frequency and more energy than most of us. Many struggle to sleep or even rest. When they finally can crash it's almost a coma like state for some...And some report that they never sleep sound....
Regular exercise seems to do wonders for Hyperactive minded people...Of course some times the volume a person speaks with is related to their ability to hear, but, in many cases the volume is also directly related to the hypersensitive emotional state some fast minds live in...It's like Organization or timeliness...It's just another fact on the list of effects. And it's different for everyone because these behaviors are inbred...That's why a non is hopeless to try and change them...It's who they are....I don't mean it's an excuse for bad or sinful behavior toward others, but, their ability to function like a non will never be there...
So self-awareness is key for the add mind and the non, when they are married...It's so easy to want to change our mates when much of the way we view life and react to life issues can be so contrary to one another...
We as human's have no power to change another individual, we can only make them miserable, along with ourselves....
The night before
Submitted by RitaMargarita on
I kicked my ADD BF out last week, we were having an argument over something he hadn't done, and I had to then do, and he was so annoying me and frustrating me by not leaving me alone and insisting he sit next to me while I work (contributing nothing, of course), that I looked at him and called him an effing idiot.
I was so ashamed and disgusted with myself. This is not how loving partners talk to each other. I don't swear at my man, and call him names. Just not who I am, nor who I want to be.
It showed me how there was no respect left in our relationship (well, meaning I had none for him).
The rest of it, yeah. I was unhappy his ADD turned me into a nagging, controlling shrew. The hardest thing was the internal conflict of loving someone, yet being so exhausted and turned off by them. Eventually, the ADD kills love and attraction.
I Hear You
Submitted by lonelyspouse on
I often feel the way you do. The problem for me, is that I get frustrated so easily now due to the fact that my husband REFUSES to take ANY responsibility for any of his issues. He think I should always work around him- as if simply announcing that he has anger issues or reads criticism into every conversation is sufficient. My exhaustion is physical, mental, and emotional- I don't sleep well as I mull over these situations night after night. I am not ashamed or disgusted with myself as I spent much more time and attention devoted to him than myself for the last 30 years. Foolish, defeated, and sad might best describe how I now feel.
I too love my husband- I think. I have been wondering more and more if I love the idea of who he could have been more than who he actually is. The truth is that I give so much more than I get, and I worry that he would never be able to support me in any kind of crisis- nor would he want to. In my case, it really IS all about him, and that;s the way he wants it. There's not much for me to work with when he maintains that attitude.
I often wonder about these kind of situations lonelyspouse....
Submitted by c ur self on
(He think I should always work around him- as if simply announcing that he has anger issues or reads criticism into every conversation is sufficient.)
My feelings about your statement here is, this is his proclamation of how he views himself...And his adamant refusal to recognize he needs to change the things that could help him, you and the relationship. Some times it is so hard to accept this stone wall of denial...Because we have this view of how good our marriages could be if we could just experience some humility and self-awareness...If someone would just work with us instead of against us....
Some times the only way to send a message that is heard is with our absents....
Being new to a ADHD
Submitted by Kansasry on
Being new to a ADHD relationship, I’m happy, and sort of horrified, to see the consistent patterns the ADHD spouse does and the non-spouses consistent thoughts and feelings. I'm not alone and I'm not crazy! I’ve only been married 2 years and I’m on the fence about making the effort to stay with this man.
I’ve known my husband for 30 years and have always known him to be smart, funny, witty, charming, kind and supportive, encouraging even! I admired so much about him and even knowing some of the darker things he did in his youth, I was impressed by his ownership of past mistakes and his humility to learn from it.
So that was the man I married. But that man quickly shut himself away and that awesome person was for everyone else, anyone else—even a complete stranger—but not me. He acts like I’m just another object in his home. He is more concerned with my income than me. He only cares about the bills getting paid and my contribution to ensure he can live well and pay his ex and child support. Nothing else matters.
But when I saw him slipping away and the hurtful things he would do and say, I didn’t understand what was going on. It hurt and it was confusing because I knew he was capable, he was just choosing to be absent. But now I see that the ADHD’ers just check out for the spouse while continuing to be the person the spouse wants for everyone else. Is it control to deny us? Or is it that we can’t keep their interest because they see us every day?
The daily, weekly frustrations I would endure he dismissed, lied or justified. As the issue repeated and my self-worth was crushed and my heart was breaking I would lash out. Yelling seemed my last hope to get him to see what I was seeing and living. And of course he would use that as fuel to be justified in blasting that I was the one with the issues, he was perfect and you can’t make an insane person happy.
We keep going thru this cycle. He’s fine with his behavior; he’s perfect after all, but I HATE who I am becoming. I hate that I feel like I can’t be loved, found attractive and interesting or have any worth. He has done that to me but I’ve 100% let him! I hate that, while I’m not insane, I allow myself to feel like I am crazy and lash out in ways so inconsistent with who I am. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I can’t ever get him to understand what he has and is doing to me. Counseling didn’t help and he refuses to go again. I’m finding my own but I don’t really know if I want to go to save our marriage (on my own!) or just save me.
Right now, I don’t even have the will to try and save this marriage. Planning an escape seems like the only smart thing to do. Staying sound crazy.
Submitted by jennalemone on
Kansasry, you have put into words everything I am experiencing and feeling.
"but I HATE who I am becoming. I hate that I feel like I can’t be loved, found attractive and interesting or have any worth."
I also feel ashamed. It is my challenge to find my own self respect back again. To feel like I CAN be loved and have worth. I'm just writing to acknowledge what you wrote as my truth also.
6 million dollar question Kansasry...
Submitted by c ur self on
(Is it control to deny us? Or is it that we can’t keep their interest because they see us every day?) You have asked the question so many of us wondered about...I wish I knew the answer to this...Here are some things I think just watching my wife live life....First she is so needy herself, every thing about her life gets so tiring just watching it happen....Every little ache and pain has to be dramatized, it's has to be talked about....Just getting out of bed is hard work for her....Going to work without rushing is hard work for her. Falling a sleep is hard work for her. It is so easy to be addicted to Tylenol, Advil, soft sleep aids etc....Just the way she views this stuff. And the few things she puts at the top of her priority list to make an effort to manage consumes her. Her job, our youngest son who is 24 and is away at college. That 's about it, she does look at other parts of her life in a very inconsistent and fleeting way....When a person is so self-consumed by their neediness and their inability to prioritized life's issues the person on the other end becomes an lonely frustrated observer. Maybe part of it is what you say above, we loose their interest. We become a constant and our glimmer fades....Also, I don't know about your husband, but, I feel my wife has had a hard time not dragging her bad experiences' into our marriage. Bad experiences' from the past pre-marital relationships with guy's who abused, cheated and took advantage of her. If not viewed as sinful and wrong in the first place this kind of stuff will absolutely pollute a person's mind and heart and keep them from being able to be at peace in a Holy and Right Marriage relationship...
Bottom line it is just so hard for any of us to be there for our mates unless our priority list is one that is right and flows from our hearts.....
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I am with you. I know I am a good and liked person. Tonight I wonder if he is jealous of me because all our friends are in MY corner. I don't get compliments from him anymore but others compliment me. Tonight I gave a speech in front of 100 people and he didn't say "good job" but all our friends were all over me. He doesn't call or text other than to say that he could not make me dinner since he was real busy. He has mood swings often and I am a happy positive person. When I get home from work, its hard not to see the apt as a gray box and have to guess as to his mood. I frequently find myself saying to myself that I have to stop doing all the work to be loving, kind, compassionate since he doesn't verbalize his appreciation at all. If I do a lot or nothing- he does nothing. He is oblivious to what he does or doesn't do. I am the only one that feels slighted and a black hole of a void in my heart. I am happy in EVERY area of my life but in love because I do so much and want some back but get nothing. I am not trying to have a perfect marriage I just want to feel a little wanted and special by the man I married. Everyone else loves and appreciates me and tells me and I love everyone just as hard. I also look forward to him traveling for work since I know that there will be no one in the house, it will be peaceful and I am alone for a reason. There is no one that is grumpy, negative or stressed in the house. I love driving alone since when I drive with him he is grumpy and basically looks as intimidating as The Terminator and I hate that since other times he is as fun and happy as a child. I would love to be married to happy man that doesn't just transform into the Perfect Man when he is in control and mostly that is around people that don't know his dark side and are easily influenced or charmed by him. Me, not so impressed when he can walk out of the house in front of me and let the screen door slam in my face, he let's me walk alone while he is way ahead of me. I can look so hot in a new outfit and he doesn't say anything. At times I feel all this would make sense if he said that he was in love with someone else because that is how I feel- like he is with me because of a vow- but because of his behavior these 25 yrs, I now feel that way and I don't have ADHD. If he left me tomorrow, I would be fine because I already love my company and he contributes nothing emotional, I can take care of myself financially and physically. What does he offer but and I love you and he makes me work for it. Love shouldn't be this hard, and when it becomes painful, it becomes a task. Everyday I have to give myself the pep talk- happiness is a choice, your life is governed by your thoughts- you know the one. I do this so that I can find joy in other things that are amazing in my life, friends and family, the stars, my job! All those things that make me smile. Then I get home and have to pull teeth, play cheer leader and clown, mind reader, doctor or just ignore and let go because maybe he will be happy maybe he will be sad, grumpy. He is all the 7 dwarfs and all the characters of Winnie The Pooh. It would be easier if he left me then me leaving him. Yes, we all want a second chance since now we know what we don't and do want. But what do you do. I have stopped texting him since he doesn't respond to them and it leaves me empty- like the feeling you get when you greet someone and they look at you and act like you are not there and keep walking. So now I will try to be available to him ONLY if he needs me and make him initiate if he needs it. It still leaves me with the short end of the emotional needs stick. My needs are pushed aside. My logical expectations have to be lowered for the incapable while I try not to take it personal. One of the hardest things I will ever survive is this relationship. Til death do us part. I try to find something iin him that is good to focus on. Problem is, the good thing is something I can live without just to have peace.
dvance - when I read this I
Submitted by blackberry on
dvance - when I read this I searched the site, hoping to find a way to message you directly - because I felt like you were reading my mind. oh how I wish to have a friend that 'got it' - that didn't just respond with the typical, "oh, all men are like that." NO. Not all men are like that!! I am so tired of people diminishing the problems of an ADHD-affected marriage by acting like all men are not helpful, inattentive parents, lazy, and that women do the brunt of the work. I know that is not true. They have no idea what it's like to live with someone who tells white lies out of habit, can't get promoted at work, ignores the kids or anything that is not stimulating enough, can't manage money and better yet, doesn't even care about our finances...the list goes on. My husband doesn't travel often, but when you spoke of deleting the itinerary, I couldn't believe how accurate that described my feelings. i feel like i can actually be myself when he is gone. Too bad I can't reach you directly - I saw another of your comments on a different post and we live in the same general area too. I am so sorry for your struggles - they are real and they are hard and it's painful every day to feel like the relationship you once had is totally down the drain, and because of something like this, it just feels like a waste.