Does anybody else feel sad for how they have changed being married to an ADHD person? It is quite possible I am having a big ol' midlife crisis (I am 44) but lately I think about what I was like 20 years ago and what I am like now. Of course I would change and grow over 20 years of marriage and life and two kids, but what I thought about the world and my place in it--that is totally different. I used to think my husband was the man of my dreams--I used to tell him so. Now I cannot imagine that I ever felt that way. I used to be so happy being married now I regret that choice I made 20 years ago and all it has cost me emotionally and financially. I used to think I could solve any problem if I just thought about it enough and worked on it enough, now I wonder if there is anything I can really do. I used to assume husband would have my back, because isn't that what husbands do??, but now I assume he does not. I have virtually no expectations of him at all. He is not the first person I think to call when something good or bad happens. When he travels on business, I don't notice or care if he calls during the day or not. When he emails me his itinerary for a trip, I generally delete it without looking at it because I don't care where he is. It's so much easier when he is not home-that's all I care about. Every year for the past, oh, ten years, a friend from church has sent me flowers at work on Valentine's Day. I have never told hubby. Because why? I get bonuses at work and don't tell him. Because why? If I go out with friends when he is out of town, I generally don't mention it because why. And I really don't like my own behavior. I feel like it doesn't matter one bit how I behave towards him because he either won't notice or won't remember. I am not unkind, just pretty detached. I don't like feeling that powerless. I feel totally unimportant. And what is really funny is we see a counselor and I just asked hubby this morning how he thinks we are doing and he said pretty good!!!! So he is fine. Me, I am not fine. If I had a daughter that felt this way and acted this way, I would want her out of there RIGHT NOW but I can't afford it.
I am not explaining this right. He has lied to me on so many occasions that by and large I just assume that what he says may or may not be true. He told our kids that he started driving at age 10. In what universe would that occur??? Even they were like, "yeah, okay dad..." How stupid. He texted me from out of town asking me what Vera Bradley was and my first reaction was WHY? why do you care? what did you do? Not, oh-it's a purse-luggage-bags kind of place. I always assume the worst. I hate that about myself now. To look at the person you promised to love honor and cherish until death do you part and think-when are you going out of town again so I can be myself is pretty crummy. If I did leave, what would I be like? How much of myself is left? I used to have a spark. Would it come back? Is it too late? Mostly I hate how I feel when I think about being married to him forever. I feel like I am choking. I just cannot be trapped like this for the rest of my life but right now there is no way out. That makes me sad. I did not see myself counting the days until I could leave and be free. I figured marriage would be a forever thing, not a thing that sucked the life out of me. And yet he feels fine. It's like we live in parallel worlds. Anybody else feel sad for how they have changed for the worse? I am not proud of what I have become at all. I feel like a fake at my job where I am competent and well liked and organized and then I get home and have no idea how to act with him around. When he is out of town, it's much better and that statement makes me sad too.