I'm so close to being done

I am the non-ADHD spouse. Although my husband is decidedly not "H". He was diagnosed shortly after our eldest child was diagnosed not quite 10 years ago. They are both ADD, inattentive type. Able to hyperfocus, but unable to focus. They get along very well and speak in their own shorthand that does not require attention to complete sentences.

In a grand development, his new psychiatrist decreased his dosage of medication and he thinks she's an idiot and thus, he is SO not going to see her until another med check is absolutely positively required.

 

Once we were married, our romantic life took a nosedive. And when I say "once we were married" I mean, once we walked back down the aisle. I should have seen it. I didn't. And the pressure to stay married from our extended families was intense. We have discussed this issue numerous times with promises that all is good on his end! He loves me! He likes spending time with me! He enjoys my company! Awesome. Except for the fact that every action begs to differ.

 

I read the book. I don't nag. Rather... I haven't for years. We've been married well over 20 years and I can be taught. I know that nagging doesn't help. I also know that not nagging doesn't help either. He will get around to doing things when he gets around to doing them. But there are solitaire games to be played and Angry Birds has a new game out. He is happy to help when I start doing things myself. I don't want HELP. I want him to DO it. I want him to see the floor boards are rotting and need to be replaced. I want him to see that the weeds in the backyard are brushing the eaves of the house. I want him to take all that stuff we bought at Home Depot to make "this thing" and MAKE the thing. I'm tired of being the one that keeps track of what needs to be done. I'm tired of the one that figures out how to get it done because if I mention it again, a year later, I get the hangdog look. He looks like a whipped puppy. A shamed little boy.

 

His excuse is that he is tired. Yea. Ok. I get being tired. And when I was a stay at home mom, I didn't get as irritated. But I have a full time job now. I just don't think it is unreasonable to expect dinner to be started when I leave all the necessary ingredients on the counter WITH INSTRUCTIONS on what needs to be done. He sees it as informational. "Oh. I see we are having spaghetti and that meat needs to be browned, onion needs to be chopped and that tomato sauce needs to be added to the whole mess".

 

Then when he goes to bed three hours before I do and "forgets" to tell me goodnight? No worries. I'll get the laundry done. I'll clean up the kitchen. YOU are exhausted. I guess. I guess you've gone to bed.

 

When I bring these frustrations up, again I get the hangdog. I also get a promise to do better. Which lasts precisely two weeks. I won't have to clean the kitchen for two weeks. So just tell him every two weeks! THEN I'm nagging. Because he IS doing it.

 

I have given up on our sex life. I'm tired of initiating and being met with either "too tired" (and yes... he's been medically checked on that point. Everything is dead on normal) or it's over so damn fast that I don't know why I bothered. He's a happy camper and off to other things. I'm left wondering if having an affair just for sex is permissible under the usual rules of marriage. We don't share a bed. It started for one reason and now.... I'm just fine with it. Our different schedules (he goes to bed hours before I do, and thus is up hours before I am.... you know.... cause solitaire needs to be played and Angry Birds has been updated) allows me to read or take a leisurely shower before going to bed without bothering him.

 

I have gone on the offense. Let me set an example for you! So I do what HE needs to have done to feel loved, wanted, desired. As a result, I don't fill my gas tank most of the time. He fills my car with gas as a favor to me so I don't have to do that! He also makes coffee in the morning. By which I mean, he checks in the evening to see if the pot is empty and if it is, he sets it up to brew in the morning. This needs to be done about every three days. YES. He remembers to do that. But forgets to tell me goodnight.

 

He is well respected at work. He's looking at getting a Big Deal Promotion! He is well known, well liked and very very good at what he does. He is smart and can quickly learn new things. He frequently is thought of as having a greater knowledge than he actually does because he can learn new things so fast.

 

I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. He thinks his ADD is under control and he is FINE. He thinks our marriage is FINE. I'm tired of being in charge. I'm the one that makes sures bills are paid. He has no idea how much the college bills are. He gets irritated when I stress about money out loud. So I don't. I "don't" do a lot of things out loud.

 

And this is the first time I've ever told a soul about all of this. My support system is zero. EVERYONE knows us as the Ideal Couple. Except that I'm rather a grump and am prone to being a real bitch. He, naturally, is a great guy and is the life of the party. If you want to have fun, call my husband. I OFTEN feel that I am invited because it's just rude to only invite him. I know he will get our friends in a divorce. I'm fairly certain he'll get my family too. Because you know how I'm always so hard on him and need to lighten up already. So if we were to divorce it would be MY fault and my unreasonable expectations. Of course.... to divorce would be near enough on it's own for disowning. If I were to pull the plug, I do so knowing I will be on my own completely. I just have to decide if being alone on my own is better or worse than being alone and married.

 

I don't think I have a question. Maybe I do in there somewhere.

 

I'm just tired.....

I chuckled...shook my head in

I chuckled...shook my head in agreement...and then in sadness...and then chuckled again. Your post is so reflective of what so many of us live each day, tweaking the details a little here and there. I am brain dead and ready for bed at this time of night, but I did at least want to welcome you and let you know that your support just grew by leaps and bounds. You'll find support here like you cannot find anywhere else. It does at least helping knowing you're not alone...or crazy. (((HUGS)))

How Long will this last's picture

Understand- Close to being done

Elsie to sum it up - been there... still doing that.  Totally understand.  My husband has tons of friends and is on the phone all the time chattin it up with them.  But can't talk to me for 5 minutes without an argument ensuing.  We always have several couples with us when we go on vacation, guess he needs all that company so he doesn't have to act interested in me. 

We always joke that I am the handy man in the house.  Yes he can fix a motorcycle or a car, but I am the one fixing anything house related.  Weekends are all about running and playing, (and I get to go), but when do the chores get done?  Then it is him complaining that the yard work or house work is not caught up (because you know I get to do that and work a 40 hour work week). 

It is bittersweet around here.  I do love that he is the life of the party and such a charismatic personality. That is what I fell in love with.  But once the I do's were said he was no longer that way with me. I am now just a tag along.  And you're right about the bedroom- after the I do's.... hmmmm.    Why do they bother getting married?  He is the one that pushed getting married after only 6 months of dating.  It's like they want to know someone is there, but now that they are married they don't feel they have to make any kind of effort. 

Let me tell you about one christmas that my husband handed me the one and only gift he got me to me in a walmart plastic bag.  It was a book I had been wanting.  I was thrilled he actually remembered I wanted it and took the time to buy it.  Found out later my mom bought it and gave it to him and told him to wrap it and give it to me. Guess he couldn't even take the time to wrap it.  Birthday cards?  Never!  But God forbid if I forget his birthday.  Though he never remembers that I make a big deal out of it.  Luckily we are always on vacation for his birthday and like I said have friends with us so I have lots of pictures of us all partying it up for his birthday.

I used to keep a journal of all these issues- it was a daily something.  Then I realized after going back and reading them over and over it was doing more harm than good. Because honestly now I can only remember a handful of bizarre things.  It's better that way.  The mind has a way of protecting you so if it needs to block out events then it's for the best.

Love this site- need this kind of support!!!

JZ

I feel for you

Just wanted to say that you are not alone. Your husband sounds very close to mine. We have only been married 8 years. I wish I had seen this website before we got married, but you know, I probably could not have imagined how awful it would have been. I would have said "That's not what my husband is going to be like" or "I can handle this". We sleep in seperate bedrooms too. We don't have a sex life. After we were married it turned out that I had vaginismus, which meant that we couldn't have sex. For five years I suffered to solve that problem, going for pelvic exams, a sex physiotherapist, spent $3000 on counselling, making myself vulnerable to all manner of strangers and painfully practicing with larger and larger dildos until the day we could finally consummate our marriage. That was on January 15, 2010. Since then, we haven't had sex again and I stopped practicing.

I'm so tired too. I'm tired of thinking that this is what the next 30 or 40 years is going to feel like :\

Elsie, it is deadon. And for

Elsie, it is deadon. And for so many years did you feel the anger, resentment, absolute RAGE and think why, why, why am I so angry? I thought it WAS all me- I remember when I went to my gynecologist and asked if it was part of perimenopause to feel angry and worse, ASEXUAL. I knew I was so lonely, but I also have always had to deal with low self esteem, so, lol- I thought it was me projecting because of my low self esteem... Does that make sense? And in the meantime, I became a raving B*TCH because of it....wish that had not happened but now that I know a little of what the dynamic was...it appears it is too late. I am not doing that anymore, he is medicated (but not completely there yet IMHO), but he is out of the house now - probably for the last time, :( he feels "sane" without me and wont engage me in my "controlling ways" any more. Nice. So still doing pretty much everything (though it does feel better that I am doing it for ME and the kids now). Working out the specifics too- after years of emotional, verbal, physical abuse from him (which he admits now he did to make up for all the "abuse" that I apparently gave him he states)... I am working on some heavy post traumatic stress of my own, trying to make sense of the fact that the man I HAVE loved for all this time but could never work out a fair dynamic could now be acting even more detached and uncaring towards me. He considers himself a good man, and he has been but for the past two years he has been horrible and cant seem to own that. Nor is he able to own the three decades of inattentiveness before without attaching blame to me with it. I feel tragedy, sadness... And yeah, despair (even as I seem him rolling his eyes, making the "smirk" and hearing him say, " go find some other guy you can control/manipulate"). Self esteem in toilet.
MagicSandwich's picture

Those are not your real choices

Hello there, 

You wrote "I just have to decide if being alone on my own is better or worse than being alone and married." I just want to tell you that there is another choice - and that is to be happily involved with a loving, kind partner. There are so many nice, single blokes who drive themselves crazy looking at situations like this asking themselves, "Why is she with him? I'm a nice guy! I would never do that to her! So why am I alone?"

Stay strong, 

Magic

Don't really have the words.....

Elise: I have read so many posts over the last few years and this is post...your words....I so many of us say "I could've written this post" but, really, I've never seen anything so close to my situation. The difference is that we have a 6 y/o daughter and my family, althought they love him, know the pain he brings and sees the issues. But the rest is so spot on. I'm really writing to say one thing. Just know that there is someone else in this with you...who's as sad, angry, tired, DONE..as you. I don't know why but I find comfort in that...I know that probably sounds sick. My DH is a gamer, computer addict, porn addict. I live a live that is very much like a single parent in many ways. I'm so lonely that at times it just seems very pointless. The other part of my story is that I'm lucky, I have a husband that works and has held a job every day since I've known him, he has a direct deposit into our household account, he picks up our daughter from school most days, he helps my parents with things around the house....we almost never argue. We live a very, very low conflict life. Most because I've found the the conflict is futile. Completely, utterly pointless. I could go on and on and on. I saw a post here from SherriW that said no one stays "just for the children". Well, I can say with absolute certainty that it's the one and only thing that I'm staying for. It's my belief that being in an intact, low contact home is better for her then to be a child of divorce. Also, she is in love with the idea of family. She sees other kids who have divorced families and she has told me that she feels badly for them. I know that she is probably seeing a relationship dynamic that isn't the best but I think there's worse things. So many would love to have the situation I have but, for me, the detachment and complete inconsideration for my needs, feelings, wants, cares....it's simply not something I can tolerate. I' am going to CODA meetings and that's helped some. Elise, I know I'm not making much sense but I'm tired and it's late here...I just wanted to tell you that I KNOW what you are feeling. I pray that someday we look back on this and realize how much we've grown and I hope we're happy and peaceful and fullfilled. We absolutely deserve that, ya know. Take care....Gina B