I was diagnosed in June 2009. I will tell anyone that Adderall saved my life. For 30+ years I felt like I was living in a fog, and now, I feel more normal and more myself than I ever have. The medication has brought so much clarity.
So what happens when you come out of the fog, and realized that a lot of decisions that you made in the fog (ie, marriage partner) were the wrong ones?
I knew that when me and my spouse were dating, that he was not the right one for me. But I did not want to break up with him because I didn't want to hurt feelings or cause conflict. When he told me he loved me, I didn't respond, because I knew I didn't, but I didn't want to hurt feelings or cause conflict. So I said I love you back. Then came the engagement. Red flags everywhere. But I continued on...because he was a good guy. He is 10 years older. He had a stable job. We didn't have anything in common, but the sex was good.
Why did I continue?? I was worried about what other people would think of me--his family, my family, my church family--if I canceled the wedding. I was living for other people and their expectations (real or perceived). When the marriage counselor asked me what I loved about him--I really didn't have an answer. I think I made something up. To say that I was a people pleaser is an understatement. And I'm sure like a lot of young girls, I was in love with the idea of getting married.
Two years into the marriage I went to the pastor for counseling because I wanted out. I was still in the fog, but I couldn't put what I was feeling into words. Maybe I was crazy.
(We went through counseling back in '09 with the ADD diagnosis for me---because I had to fess up to some major debt. I am a recovering compulsive shopper. (classic ADD symptom)--another post in itself)
Fast forward to now--8 years of marriage plus 2 kids.
I have thought about divorce from day 1. There has never been a day where I haven't thought about divorce. I'm not sure that is normal. Like I said, he's a good guy, but I feel no emotional attachment. I say the right words, and do the right things to go along with life. I put up a good front. My MIL thinks I freakin superwoman and a perfect mom.
But I'm miserable. I'm on medication for depression now--which is soooo NOT me. I am the cheerleader--positive--optimistic--glass is half full...Hubby doesn't know I'm on depression meds.
I hate the cliche' statement--I love him, but not in love with him. But that is how I feel. He loves me, but I feel nothing.
I know love is a choice, happiness is a choice...yada yada yada.
But I really don't think I loved in the first place. So again, I feel crazy. It's like I woke up and realized the reality- and ask myself-What the hell happened? How did I get here?
So my question again is, what happens when you come out of the fog, and realized that a lot of decisions that you made in the fog (ie, marriage partner) were the wrong ones?
I'm going back to our marriage counselor on Friday to talk through this, but thought I might just put it out there for you, too.