I have had a long standing issue secondary to my ADHD which I have literally no clue how to solve. Often (far more often than I am aware of, apparently, according to my husband) he tells me that when he brings up a concern to me, my "default mode" is to immediately bring up how that issue or his proposed solutions will affect ME. :( Ugh. He is right, but I do not know how to stop this. It happens before I can even process the entirety of whatever issue is at hand. I'm not a linear thinker and do not always see the big picture as he does. He sees the world in an organized way, sees the problems and multiple solutions at the same time in a way I probably never will. He considers everything and tries to make the best, most logical choice that will have the least negative impact on those around him. He puts our kids and me first.
Tonight, he brought up a situation with our kids that needed solving, and proposed a reasonable solution. I did not comprehend the problem the same way that he did at the time, either. With that in mind, my immediate response was to say I didn't want to do it, because I didn't know how to manage it, due to my executive functioning issues. This is the damn truth. I had a concern because I know myself, feared I would not be able to follow through, and I articulated my fear. I did not feel his proposal was reasonable at that moment as I hadn't really thought it out, so I was sincerely responding to what I DID see as an issue. I see the needle in the haystack without noticing the haystack at times. In my mind, I was just having a give-and-take conversation with him. He saw me as arguing, and the more I tried to explain my thinking, the worse it got.
I do take medication, am seeing a therapist who truly understands ADHD, and do regularly meditate. However, there's no cure for ADHD, and one second I think I am having a conversation, and the next, I'm scratching my head wondering why he is angry again. I do see his frustration. He is trying to be proactive, anticipate, and do the right thing. He told me tonight he doesn't even mind that doing this stuff, but it's the arguing that gets to him and inherent selfishness that he says I have, of putting me first. He does not consider that once I do process things, I do often reconsider, because by that point, he's furious and spent. This is a big improvement, y'all, that I can shift gears and change my opinion once I give consideration to "new" information, but he doesn't care, and I get it. He doesn't want to be the one who has to anticipate so many things, propose solutions, AND get grief for it. I have no idea how to stop myself, as impulsivity by definition, is something that happens quickly and my perception of the conversation is often wildly different from his (honestly, this is super frustrating for both of us). If I could change my processing to see the entire picture, the impulsivity would be much less of a factor, because I would not be triggered as easily, if that makes any sense.
Is there anything I can do to change how I react, or buy a little time before I respond? Is there a way I can try to look at his perspective first, and to try to understand the big picture and what he means before I word vomit a response? I was thinking that maybe asking clarifying questions might help slow me down, but need to be careful so he doesn't think that is another way of fighting, too. Maybe I could ask myself some questions before responding? Any ideas?
I know that being a distracted navel gazer is a real issue for people with ADHD and their spouses. Whether it's due to selfishness or an "interest-based nervous system," I could use some help with the solution.
Thank you all so very much.