Indecisiveness or something else?

I filed for a legal separation four months ago.  I told my husband immediately.  I served him with the papers two months ago.  I asked him to move out of our house temporarily for the autumn (for various reasons, including that our children aren't around, this seemed like a good time to try out a physical separation).  

I've told my husband that my feelings are still mixed about staying together versus splitting; I've told him about the things about the marriage that disappoint me.  

But during this entire time, my husband has not once expressed an opinion about whether he wants to stay married or he wants to split up.  

People with ADHD and people without, do you have any thoughts about why my husband isn't saying anything?

I can only speculate

I can only speculate, because I don't know anything about your husband or your situation.  But, for me, sometimes I don't even know what I want.  I can't seem to have an objective view of the situation, so I don't know if what I'm thinking or feeling has to do with the real situation, or just my brain chemistry or current idea.  Usually, that means that I'll wait on any big decision to see if I can gather any clues as to the consequences of my current decision.  Or with such an emotionally laden decision, sometimes there are so many mixed feelings that it's hard to untangle them.  If he's not the introspective type, he may see this decision as being too overwhelming, and can't make a decision about it because he can't hold enough thoughts in his head to figure out his options.  Or he is decisive and just putting off acting on that decision because the practical steps are overwhelming.  I'm sorry I can't be of more help.  :/  

If he asked you to make a decision, what would you decide?  Whatever mixed feelings you have, he probably has them too, only coupled with the lack of executive functioning that would normally give a person the correct tools for decision making.

Whatever the reason is, why

Whatever the reason is, why should you put up with his silence? If he wants you to stay together he ought to show it in some way, if not, why bother?

I assume you have filed for divorce because you have been hurt enough. I hope you have the strength to go on towards your own future.

Merry Go Round of Denial

Rosered, I feel like we are friends. Iv'e followed you along for over a year.  What you (and I) are going through is the Merry Go Round of denial.  Read the attached.  It does not have to be Alcohol that is making a person act so passive, it can be a host of other "isms".  You don't need to have alcohol in the relationship to be affected this way.  

It talks about how the "problem person" does/doesn't do things that cause a problem for the people in the environment and there are a number of people in his/her life who want to make it work out for him (for everyone) out of love/duty/pity/commitment/history.  He does nothing when told of the pain others are taking for him other than to soothe HIS wounds and tell himself lies about the situation.  Things get out of control. Things get taken care of by the people around him. Everyone suffers.  No one wants to be "mean" to the person who is causing the problems.

These are bitter pills to swallow.

Let us know how things are going.  


Rosered, I have followed you on here for a long time, too. I am sorry your husband can't seem to answer this very important question. I am sure it must be so painful. I can only speculate as well, but you have alluded to him having depression before, right? I know this can make it nearly impossible to act or do things. Or maybe he is stuck in the valley of "I don't know," afraid to make any decision or express any opinion. I can't believe it is because he doesn't care--there have to be some mitigating factors. You have related a lifetime of indecision and inaction on his part--it sounds like this is a pattern? 

Try to believe that his non-answer is not about you, but about him somehow. And then use that information to decide what is best for you. It was a huge step to file for separation, I know. What would happen if he moved out? Would you be relieved? (Interestingly enough, the only time my ex ever spoke up or broached a reconciliation was months after I had taken our children, seen an attorney, and moved into an apartment. It was too little, too late in our case, unfortunately, but somehow it took him until then for the reality of the situation and what was gone to really hit him. It did enable us to be friends, though). 

As I said to mine when he refused to seek help, "Not choosing is also making a choice." 

My very best to you. Stay strong. 

Thank you for the very

Thank you for the very perceptive comments.  It is great to come to a place where people will actually respond to me!  (Some of you "non" folks know what I mean, I'm sure.)

Still no word from my husband about whether he wants to stay married.  I'll be disappointed if our marriage ends without him ever expressing a clear opinion (or at least a "yes," "no," or "I don't know") on the topic.  

It has been interesting to me, although very painful, to discover how deep my husband's distaste for dealing with personal issues goes.  He made a sarcastic remark last week about not liking to play the "honesty game."  I took this to mean that he does not like it when I talk about problems that in any way implicate him.  I'm not a tell-all person but I do value honesty and so I was hurt by this statement and also saw that it reflected what is probably an insurmountable barrier between us.

I understand fear; I'm afraid of many things (snakes and parachuting spring to mind).  But my husband's fear of expressing his opinions is hard for me to understand.  At this point, I can't see how the results of speaking up could be any worse than the results of not speaking up.  The only theory I've come up with that rationally explains his fear is that NOT SPEAKING UP and not being honest are so much a part of his core that for him to speak up and to be honest seem to him to be attacks on his core.  What a sad possibility.