Independence or Loving Partnership

 I have these words to describe what I see happening on this board.  There may or may not be ADD/ADHD but many of us are in coupledom with someone who values their independence above all. 

Descriptions of those who value their independence above all are:  They do not want to be depended on.  They want to be left alone most of the time to "sail their own ship". They resent someone desiring partnership or teamwork.  They don't mind breaking promises....promises are a burden to them. They may lie so that they can do what they want to do rather than what you could do together. They don't make future plans with you or without you because that would take away from their independent impulse living. They don't want to be ruled by the clock but rather "come if and when they get their".  Don't count of them. They make sure they get their share (or a little more, hehehe, if they can out of the deal) They don't share thoughts or feelings because that would make them vulnerable and answerable. They turn on the charm to manipulate a conversation to "get away with" their own agenda. They are selfish in that their money and their time is THEIRS....not to be shared but compartmentalized so they can guard themselves in offense/defense.

The people who find themselves on this board are those of us who, when we said "and now the two will become one", believed that two were better than one and had the vision of building a life TOGETHER. We believed that walking through life with someone by your side made both of you better and stronger than either of us alone. We were happy to have someone to give our love and energy and support to because we believed that THAT is what love is.

H's definition of love is, when I asked him, "To feel pleasure". So, again, there is that independence...Love, to him, is HIS singular feelings.  If his feelings are gone, then, the love is gone...So in his perspective, love goes out the window when he is not being pleasured.

My definition of love is, when you care more for a loved ones well-being than your own.  Because love is an action and an effort.

When one person loves one way and the other person loves the other way, We have the problems we see here on this board.  Maybe ADD does have a small part of this independence vs partnership dilemma, maybe its just an attitude separate from any ADD.  I know someone, myself included probably, would respond with "There must be a balance."  But that is the problem I see here.  There is no balance.  The partnering spouse feels unloved.  The independent spouse feels????? smart? and free? Because the "one who cares least wins" in a relationship with an independent person it seems. Or at least, to those of us who expected a partnership in marriage, it seems they can get what they want by themselves - since they just want freedom to do as they choose without limits or expectations and they can find pleasure for themselves just about pleasures without strings.  Those of us who want to walk hand in hand through a life together with a loved one, don't get what we want.

My husband was a traveling salesman who does not wear a wedding ring. As I have heard it said, "I am married.  My husband is not married.  But I am married."