The inevitable end

I’m not angry or mad, just confused and very sad. My partner and I are approaching our year anniversary and I can’t stop feeling like it is all going to end. I watched my previous marriage disintegrate over a 5 year period and I know this relationship is heading the same way if I can’t pull it together. The symptoms I struggle with the most are active listening, remembering to do things, organization, impulse control and emotional regulation (All your typical adhd complaints). Once I make a mistake I fall into a spiral and I can’t stop thinking about how I messed up and the damage it is doing. Because of this, I make further mistakes and the cycle continues. 


My partner is amazing and she has been so patient and understanding but I know my behavior is extremely frustrating for her. She has communicated this to me numerous times over the past few months. It was easier for her at the start of our relationship because I told her that I would change and I just needed to come up with plan. I did come up with a plan. I’ve come up with hundreds of plans. I’ve tried them all and nothing works for more than a few days. I’ve started medication again and have played round with different types until I found the one that has the least amount of negative side effects. We have a shared to-do list and grocery list so I don’t forget to buy what I went to the store for, and it works for the most part... unless I forget to take my medicine, or my phone dies, or I just spend 3 hours at the store for trip that should have only taken 30 minutes. I’ve read everything I can about strategies for adhd, communication tips, love styles, how to make adhd relationships work, executive functioning deficits... I know the skills and strategies I need to use in order to make this relationship work yet.. I can’t seem to put it together consistently enough to make any type of lasting change. Nothing comes naturally to me.


i can’t promise her that I can change any more because i really don’t think that I can. It doesn’t stop me from trying though. My partner means the world to me and I want her to be happy. I feel like I’m creating more stress than happiness and I’ve become an emotional mess in the process. At the end of the day I’m just excited that we made it through another day as a couple. 


How can I really change? Can I really change or is the end of this relationship inevitable? She deserves someone who will take care of and make her life easier, she deserves a lot better than what I’m giving her. I feel so defeated..