I’m not angry or mad, just confused and very sad. My partner and I are approaching our year anniversary and I can’t stop feeling like it is all going to end. I watched my previous marriage disintegrate over a 5 year period and I know this relationship is heading the same way if I can’t pull it together. The symptoms I struggle with the most are active listening, remembering to do things, organization, impulse control and emotional regulation (All your typical adhd complaints). Once I make a mistake I fall into a spiral and I can’t stop thinking about how I messed up and the damage it is doing. Because of this, I make further mistakes and the cycle continues.
My partner is amazing and she has been so patient and understanding but I know my behavior is extremely frustrating for her. She has communicated this to me numerous times over the past few months. It was easier for her at the start of our relationship because I told her that I would change and I just needed to come up with plan. I did come up with a plan. I’ve come up with hundreds of plans. I’ve tried them all and nothing works for more than a few days. I’ve started medication again and have played round with different types until I found the one that has the least amount of negative side effects. We have a shared to-do list and grocery list so I don’t forget to buy what I went to the store for, and it works for the most part... unless I forget to take my medicine, or my phone dies, or I just spend 3 hours at the store for trip that should have only taken 30 minutes. I’ve read everything I can about strategies for adhd, communication tips, love styles, how to make adhd relationships work, executive functioning deficits... I know the skills and strategies I need to use in order to make this relationship work yet.. I can’t seem to put it together consistently enough to make any type of lasting change. Nothing comes naturally to me.
i can’t promise her that I can change any more because i really don’t think that I can. It doesn’t stop me from trying though. My partner means the world to me and I want her to be happy. I feel like I’m creating more stress than happiness and I’ve become an emotional mess in the process. At the end of the day I’m just excited that we made it through another day as a couple.
How can I really change? Can I really change or is the end of this relationship inevitable? She deserves someone who will take care of and make her life easier, she deserves a lot better than what I’m giving her. I feel so defeated..
Why give up?
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, GamerBehaviorist,
My husband's behavior is often extremely frustrating for me. Then I think of all his good qualities. We each have our quirks and shortcomings. We've had some very bad times, but we love each other and have stayed together many years.
Maybe you can't 'change'. Maybe your partner has frustrations and you are the one she wants anyway. Why don't you ask her what you as a couple can do to have your best possible relationship?
All the best,
Angie
Have you...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Have you seen a Behavioral Therapist? It helped my BF out tremendously.
You can change, but, you are trying for the wrong reason....
Submitted by c ur self on
You are hyper focusing on **HER**, which is creating fear in you, and hindering you from change....You need to change so that ** YOUR* life can calm down...Whether she comes or goes (It obvious you would like for your present relationship to continue, but, lets set those feelings aside a second, and discuss YOU, besides, you can't make decisions for no one but yourself)
Lets talk about discipline....Bad habits is usually what causes the inability for change....What some people can do in a day and still be responsible to their obligations, others cannot do... (because of the way their mind works)...A lady who wrote a post just recently said her boyfriend went to a therapist who helped him....What he did, was, help him create good habits, and break bad habits, "Discipline"
Here are few things I suggest....Compartmentalize your life....Your mind does not allow for spontaneous acts of self entertainment or other distractions, like shopping, visiting, hobbies, computer or Iphone games...Unless it's in the appropriate block of time.....Set your life up on a matrix's....example....Mornings; make sure you are up in time to never rush, also make sure to not start conversations in the morning before work, make sure that compartment of time on your matrix stays disciplined...Never add spontaneous items (they are instant distractions)...You will never master this quickly, but, just don't quit....AND WHAT EVER YOU DO, DON'T DO IT FOR HER, AND AFTER ONE DAY OF SUCCESS, DON'T RUN SHOW HER WHAT YOU ARE DOING....She don't want to hear from you, at all, she wants to observe you, working on you! without a word....Words are a useless waste of time, most of the time, especially when we are trying to impress or verbally convince somebody that we are going to "do better".... That is just more BS as for as she is concerned....Something she has HEARD, way to often...
There is always time in the evenings or at night (once all the important blocks of time have been successfully navigated) for relaxing (down time) with a computer or TV....But it's imperative that you manage that block also...Never allow the Self entertainment (dead mind times) blocks of time (compartments) run over into other more important blocks...Like personal sharing time, Bed time...Bathe every night, brush your teeth every morning and night...You may do this already, Great, many do not....Lack of hygeine will leave you alone....
The simplest way to start this. that I have found...(I did it for years until I retired, and life slowed down for me)...Is write you a paper list each morning, and put that piece of paper in your front pants pocket (so you will touch it every time you reach in for your keys, or put your hand it your pocket.....Pull it out and check it every time you go to the pot, take a work break, lunch break, before you start your car after work....Itemize the list from early to late, and prioritize the items, if there are more things that you can get accomplished. that's fine, just add them to the next day's list....Out beside the item, put a little number and circle the number....example...Lets say you start the day w/ 6 items on your list but they aren't in priority order,,,No problem, the number w/ the circle around it is your priority... (highest priority=1..lowest =6)...Mark a line through completed items, and add to the list through out the day if necessary...It will be all crumbled up, that's fine, it don't matter....
My wife suffers with all the same things you do, and she wouldn't do this because she would not be able to keep up with the list, (you and I can, because we have front pockets,) nor would she get up in time to make the list....Unless she felt is was life or death...If it's something she want's to do bad enough...She will lay awake all night to not miss it.....But with her those type priority items are based around self entertainment, and things she deems as fun, not responsible living (work) things....
Some good, kind people just aren't fit to be in a relationship...Most of those refuse to discipline their lives. So their spouse, or, B/G friend, suffers the fallout of their refusal to discipline themselves....It's no different than making yourself hirable...Or training for a marathon, or any sport...It's no different than mastering anything in life....You must master responsible life skills (we all must)... Without discipline,no one, would ever reach their potential at anything....Responsible living is no exception...As a matter of fact, it's the thing we should work at with the most zeal.....It can make for a peaceful life of closeness, or the lack of discipline in life can make our lives full of pain, stress and frustration.....And loneliness!
Blessing friend....wishing you the best in your efforts....
c
Discovering Discipline
Submitted by TheDistractedChicken on
c ur self,
Thank you for your thoughts. Reading this forum, I second guess who actually wrote it, because it couldn’t have been more accurate of a description of my life. My wife and I have been married for 7 years, together 10. In the beginning I was so infatuated with her that I damn near failed out of college because of how intently I devoted my time to her. The problems started once we got married, maybe a year in or so. Frustration from my spouse started to settle in on forgetting absolutely everything, all the time...except for things that obviously interested me. Year 2 of marriage, we both returned to Grad school, each with a 2 year program. I studied Agricultural water quality (something I’m very interested in). I finished my program in a year and a half, with a 100 page thesis and degree to prove it. Meanwhile back in marriage land, my spouse is wondering how the hell I can finish something as difficult as a higher degree and write a thesis, when I constantly fail her on simple tasks I agreed to do, failed to take her on dates, failed to take lead on our spiritual life or take lead on any aspect of our marriage. All of a sudden I found myself caring more about other things than I did about her. I had undiagnosed ADD until a year ago when our marriage was so broken that I was forced (out of fear) to visit a LMHC where she suggested ADD testing. I was given medication and sent on my way. I had no idea what I was dealing with here and honestly, thought ADD wasn’t a real thing nor was it a big deal. The medicine helps the concentration aspect to a degree but the problem is not concentration on a given task. The problem is the inability to be intentional on what you’re concentrating on. I have not learned this yet, hence why I have now joined this forum. You’re advice on DISCIPLINE is so accurate. I am incredibly spontaneous with what I do and my thoughts. I don’t schedule my day or time at work or at home and just take everything as the wind blows. My lack of discipline and ownership in my actions has resulted in a spouse so hurt, so broken, feeling completely unloved by me, that she has finally had enough and had me pack all my things and leave to house this evening. All my chances the last 7 years have been wasted. Absolutely zero movement forward, I think it’s because I’m putting all my focus on her and not on me. She forgave me tonight and gifted me with one more opportunity to change. I have let my ADD ruin my life and my partners life. I not letting it control me any longer. Only I can change me, I think it starts with discipline. I’ll be reading more you write because you get it, and understand the struggle and what to do about it. Thank you.
Good Morning Friend....
Submitted by c ur self on
We all want to feel good about ourselves...and rightly so...But in reality we are our actions....Our lives are sufficient as single men and women who are careful to not negatively impact others...But marriage 2 being one flesh, takes on a whole other dynamic...Yes the ability for self discipline is a must, the lack of it leads to bad habits...We live in a day where most every human behavior has a title (we name it...lol...) But most dysfunction is just a cycle...What is the normal thing a human will do when they feel threatened? Don't they defend themselves? So when a spouse lacks discipline, it can't help but effect their spouse.
She is dependent on you to fill her most intimate needs, as you are dependent on her for the same...(Interdependence is what a monogamous relationship is about) So w/o discipline the cycle starts....Most people will give time to the things they hold dear..(our priorities)...Sadly we can find ourselves placing to high a priority on things that are selfish in nature (they maybe good things) things that should take a back seat to our pray times, our bible study times, our intimacy and quality time with our spouse...We must keep 1 and 2 in the right order...everything else will find it's own place....3 to if you have children...WE have to admit our bad habits, and our addictions....If my evenings consist of TV and social media time...But I have no intentional wife time, and find myself even forgetting to pray, then I must face that or I can't change it....The cycle looks something like this....Bad habits...Bad habits being pointed out by our spouse... we justify them...we defend them (defiance). The results is agruments, and hurt feelings...And hopelessness sets in....All because we refuse to own our actions, humble ourselves, recognize our limitations, pray, (confess them) and practice self control and self discipline....Simply state your priorities to yourself (out loud if you need to) each day, until they become second nature....Do not worry about yourself....I think you will find out that the Heavenly Father, and you precious wife, will take care of you real needs....
I think you can do it...Your post; (IMO) is written from the heart of a man, that wants to take a hold of his life....I will pray for you...
c
Words...33
Submitted by c ur self on
Well; no matter why words don't work...(limited ability to hear, listen, not able to comprehend, no ability to recall, or just plain ole denial that's based on wanting to avoid responsibilities...Or, a mixture of these) we must recognize it, and not place expectations for it to be any different....
When words do not work in our relationship, we must live differently (accept that a peaceful life will only occur when we don't trust something to work, that hasn't in a very high percentage of our attempts) than the couples who can verbally communicate about anything.....Our normal must adapt to what is possible for both of us....If one partner wants sex three times a week, and one will only agree to have it once a week, how often do you think you will have it??
The observable reality (which no one really see's but the two of us, and God) of what is truly possible, between two distinct individuals...Will always, become the product of what is possible in both of their minds, and hearts....It doesn't matter what you can do...Or, what she can do, in all the area's you and I have listed....The relationship 2 being 1, will always find it's limit's at it's weakest link.....
That's why we have forums like this...It's why they come into existence....For people who see past the limitations, and need help to accept it.....
c
I have ADHD too! Can I help?
Submitted by smd1409 on
I know what it means to try as hard as you can to remember, only to forget more things in trying to remember. To try as hard as you can to listen to what they are saying and forget what they've just said seconds later or suddenly be clouded with tons of other 'related' thoughts they've said which inevitably distract you from actually listening to what she said in the first place.
I'm not sure what you have and haven't tried in terms of ADHD strategies so I'll just throw out the most important one I know: have you tried exercising first thing in the morning? A lot of people with ADHD (including me) will say that by far the most effective 'medicine' for ADHD is exercising and a healthy lifestyle in general. For neurotypicals (normals) the more they exercise the more tired they seem to be for the rest of the day. For us the more we exercise the bigger the jumpstart it gives our bodies to do work and think straight.
Active listening: on you wife's part how about you make a deal: when she talks to you, you stop whatever you are doing and stare into her eyes, hold her hands, anything sort of imprint basically because the more the senses are focused on the object of focus, the more likely you will focus. On her side allow her to summarise everything she's said every minute or so because to be honest if you're like me it is near possible to keep up with a conversation even when you are genuinely listening.
Finally, let your wife know regularly how much you mean to her and how much you mean to change. If you feel as though you don't deserve her that's fine. What's important right now is that she is still with you and chooses to be with you, so let her know that you will not give up on trying to be the one she deserves so long as she chooses to be with you.
These are great tips smd1409.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Dealing wisely and humbly with our limitations, instead of turning prideful and defiant means everything to our spouses, and puts us on the road to better days...Also, being our own therapist (exercise) and learning what works is proactive and speaks volumes....
c
How can you change??…. Well.
Submitted by Jon on
How can you change??…. Well. If you can find a way then you are a better person that I. I am cast in stone. All my flaws for ever more.
My second marriage of 13 years has/is completely disintegrated. My first marriage of 10 years also fell apart. I have two children from each and all I am left with is the reality on how profoundly I have failed them all. Everyone. Relationships for me are like looking at unclimbable obstacles of shame and humiliation, of a life of loneliness that stretches for a thousand miles and a tiredness that reaches to the marrow of my bones that no amount of passing sleep will quench.
I can’t offer any useful advice. I have none. All around me is the collateral damage of the damage I have wrought. The little eyes and faces that look at me expectantly and with hope and love and joy just break my heart. I failed them.
I hate my life, I hate who I am. I despise waking up and I curse the hour I was born. I long to close my eyes and sleep forever and when I am am awake I just want to smash myself into oblivion so I can’t feel and so when I do finally sleep to make sure I don’t dream. I go through the motions like this life is some kind of constant action replay of an inevitably repeating trainwreck, every day I run and run to try and head it off, And at the end of every day a little more ragged and worn and I and a little closer to the inevitable. Like watching it all in slow motion, over and over and as surely as night follows day the end comes. I don’t know any other life, but I don’t know for myself if I have the will to push on when it all seems to be so pointless and for no purpose other more suffering all around.
All you can be is yourself. There is nothing else to be done. I hope it goes well for you. Better than mine has at least.
Hi Jon....Maybe you should change your name to Job...
Submitted by c ur self on
(I despise waking up and I curse the hour I was born.)
You sound like Job, chapter 3 vs 1...Until he finally got spoken to by God that is....We may not can change ourselves when it comes to many things....But there is one who loves us, and can change us..."I am cast in stone" So is Rushmore ;)...Blessings Jon...
c
Well I’m not a religious
Submitted by Jon on
Well I’m not a religious person, having seen far too many things to believe in any kind of loving god. But if I had to pick a section of the bible to fit it would have to be psalm 102: ‘for my heart is blighted and withered like grass’
After dragging my battered
Submitted by Jon on
After dragging my battered corpse back from a pretty inviting precipice, I decided that I had not been fair in my response by simply projecting my own disaster onto a person looking for advice.
I certainly don’t have any keys to success, but I definitely have had a long and excruciating experience what doesn't work. So if nothing else, perhaps you might pick something up by picking through my wreckage.
The truth is that personal change is often VERY difficult, and some of the change you/your partner may seek may just not be possible. It’s important to come to terms with the fact than many of our ways are baked in. They are an expression of the way you were wired. Believe me, I have berated and abused myself to try and force myself to change. All that happened is that I learned to loath the person I am, and in that headspace there is no positives to be had. You cannot move forward with anything if you hate what you are. When I got that point I became bitter, angry, and resentful. Always highly stressed and completely emotionally unstable.
Also in all the back and forth about what I needed to change, what parts are actually just me, what parts are the ADHD, what parts are environmental, what parts are not me at all and actually are my partners problems, well I totally stopped thinking about anything else. My broken relationship, every issue over the years, everything I could have done, everything I ached for her to do and the never ending why of it all. Why can’t I just be normal? Form normal relationships. Why can’t I experience what genuine love feels like. Why can’t I just ‘get’ the things that seem to wind her up so much?
I have got to the point where this is all that seems to occupy my mind, going around and around like a hamster wheel. With ever turn around I feel a little more exhausted, a little more despondent, and ever further from any kind of solution. DON’T BECOME LIKE THIS.
Also it’s very apparent to me that I *can* change. I *can* develop ways of looking at things that are different, I can develop strategies to counter the natural tendencies of my rampaging ADHD mind BUT those changes can never come at the end of a gun barrel. IF the situation becomes one of emotional ransom where you see yourself, and your partner sees you as only lovable ONCE you have made:
Change 1
Change 2
Change 3
Etc.
Then for me at least I will not and cannot change. I have spent my entire life kicking against the norms. Knowing always that I feel the odd one out. Feeling like I don’t belong, like I am an imposter hiding in some skin I don’t belong to.
ADHD brings with it profound issues of personal identity. Who are we? We don’t seem to conform to the same things as those around us, we don’t function quiet the same way, our reactions to things are different. We intrinsically know this and feel it intensely as we grow up. We are often confused about who we are. Are we genuine? Are we a product of all the maladaptive coping techniques we have concocted over a life time? Who the hell am I anyway?
Often the non ADHD person will encounter a resistance to change/assistance from their ADHD spouse. They may at first approach it with what they perceive as support and kindness only to feel it thrown back in their face. They may even whisper the words “obstructive behavior”, call you stubborn, selfish, disinterested, uncommitted etc. They are *wrong*. We all grow with the need to establish a sense of self: our ID. We do this so that we may experience the world around and contextualize it from our experiences and through the lens of our ego, i.e. our own sense of who we are.
When you have ADHD, this whole process of developing a sense of self gets messed up. We spend our lives desperately trying to fit in while also trying to be as low key as possible, so we are not noticed, so that what we think are our obvious failings, problems, deficiencies don’t become obvious. We seek to hide who we are. And we often get extremely good at it. We are chameleons, always on a hair trigger that someday we may be found out. It’s a precarious existence for an ego. Any challenge to what we have fragilely established is greeted like a threat to life and limb. We need to be this way. Our very sense of understanding self has been dependent on it.
Whether it is a maladaptive behavior or not, one of my core self defense mechanisms has always been to push back against change unless its change I initiate. If my partner or anyone else uses pretty much any coercive technique, then it is not only counterproductive, but it usually makes things far worse because now my identity is being challenged and my defense mechanisms kick in and I actively push back. Such that even though I know it drives my partner nuts that I leave piles of clothes around and am generally untidy and disorganized spatially, I refuse to change it just because she has made it an ultimatum. She says to me “I cannot relax unless my surroundings are tidy”. I’m like, wow you fixate of the most trivial of stuff when there are real issues out there. She sees me as discarding her needs, I see her as trying to control and mold me. Nobody wins. So she moved out of our room, thinking that would trigger me to fix it. I responded by figuring, well there is no incentive to bother now so I guess I’ll just be myself, messy and in my own space. She held a gun to my head. I was willing to let her pull the trigger before I would change for anyone else. I can’t rationalize that. OR make sense of it. It just IS that way.
Now the grand irony is that I actually I don’t find it that bigger deal to tidy up after myself, and because I can now look at it and decide to be tidier for myself and NOT because I am being told to, it IS much easier. I WANT to keep things tidier because now I don’t have any reason not to. This makes her even angrier. No matter how much I explain how my brain works, thinks, processes information all these things are STILL failures of character, or will and of motivation. They are personal. I can't change that. Stop trying if you are.
The problem I have had is that I feel I have had someone in my head for the last 15 years who has constantly told me that I am not good enough. And that nothing I do will be enough. And it started by small degrees, first it was suggestions, then it was helping. Then it was her just doing, then it was frustration, then it was contempt. All that happened in this is that I internalized her hostility/frustration and morphed itself disgust and loathing in some attempt to motivate myself at the end of a pointed stick.
In all this, I have lost all sight of who I am, what I thought was important to me, what my values are and those that I do have I question endlessly.
Any partner of an ADHD person needs to understand that there are certain behaviors, patterns and ways of being that are not common to their experience. Almost nothing of what they take for granted, none of what they may have learned from their previous approaches, experiences are relevant to the current situation. To us. They know *NOTHING* of who you are, how you think, how you process information or express emotions. Know that they will NEVER know. Just as you will never know what it’s like to be one of them. It is impossible. Don’t even try or like me you will spend scores of years of your life going around in increasingly smaller circles in your head till one day you won’t be able to handle it anymore.
We are fundamentally NOT them. We cannot be. And nor should we try to be, and nor should they try to make us like them. All that happens if we try, or if they try is we lose and destroy ourselves.
We are products of entirely different cultures, the non ADHD person is a product of expectations, rules, guides, schedules, patterns, of time that is broken into neat blocks and has a past and a future tense. Their whole lives are a product of externally shaping and molding because they came out mostly baked, and mostly pre shaped to fit into a society that largely resembles them. WE are a product of struggling with external expectations that make no sense to us (not living up to expectations anyone), of rules that we can’t really fathom, and don’t seem to fit, of schedules and guides that seem written in a foreign language and that rely on this mysterious property called time. They interact. We sit in the corner a million miles away. They listen. We are already long gone.
I have tried and tried and tried to understand the non ADHD head. But it’s alien. All that has happened in the process is I have lost myself. So I have stopped trying. It doesn't’t matter. We cannot be like them, no matter how many drugs we dope ourselves up with. We won’t be them. Ever.
So, what does any of this mean? Well it means be yourself. And be proud of it. Accept that you are a product of a society that cannot cope with difference. Accept that you are not responsible for this. You never asked to be born. And you never asked to be born this way. So how does this fit in with relationships where you need to make accommodations, compromises, etc?
Well here you need to dig deep inside, look at what your wife is asking for. Not the minute details but the bigger picture. You are desperate to want to change, but change for the sake of the relationship or for the benefit of your wife. Ask yourself, do the things you do actually bother you? Are you bothered by forgetting things? Does it bother you that you spend 3 hours in the supermarket? Does it matter that you are crap at paying attention? That you forget things etc?
The reason I feel it is valuable to do this is because, as cliched as I am sure it sounds, the determination for change has to come from you and it has to be for you. Otherwise it will be nigh on impossible and likely never enough. No matter how much you might love her, no matter how much you may ache for normality, no matter how badly you may want THIS relationship to work, any change made under duress will likely be like all the other ones that developed thorough your life: Maladaptive.
So, I would say, be careful of what they tell you. Be careful of this place. It’s full of bitter, angry people who don’t understand you. Will NEVER understand you. I have tried every drug, many multiple times, I’ve tried combinations of drugs. I’ve been to more CBT sessions than I could possible count. I have been to psychiatrist, psychologist, group therapist, to couples counseling. I got so tired of begin drugged to the eyeballs just so I could ‘fit’ that I stopped. I felt crap all the time. Perhaps pliable but not me.
NOT ONCE did I ever speak to a person that got it. NOT ONE. And that’s amazing when you consider these people are professionals with years of study under their belt. Yes, they had all the standard responses (Keep a diary, keep a to do list but first REMEMBER to keep a diary right?)
VERY occasionally I encountered a person with some genuinely useful insight but none of them had any real answers, because there are no answers. You have to look at your life and pick apart the things you want to be different. Know that It IS possible to do this. For example.
We ADHD people are supposed to be always moving jobs, relationships, houses, etc. Well not me.
I have had this inclination because of boredom, but the relative stability of keeping these things consistent to me has been a bedrock foundation that has probably kept me alive. So I have readapted so that these things are consistent. To the point now that I am the most determined persistent person when focused on this particular thing. It took reevaluating this in my own head to work out what I wanted/needed to change for my own sake. Not for anyone else. Another simpler example was that for many years I used to lose my wallet seemingly all the time, it would fall out of my pocket on a train or bus or I would leave it on a table etc. Well after about 10 wallets, now every single time I get up and move somewhere I consciously look all around, under and about and have not lost a wallet in 10 years. Yes, I get that it’s very small thing. But it’s an example of something no more or less complicated than keeping a list.
You can read all the ‘strategies for adhd, communication tips, love styles, how to make adhd relationships work, executive functioning deficits’ but remember for the most part, these are not for you. They are for the other person. It’s their world. We need to stop trying to bash ourselves into some sort of shape that fits with their expectation. That way lies only a life of emptiness, confusion and that sort of blinding internal rage that has no name and has no outlet other than for you to tear chunks off yourself.
Be who you are. Be proud of it. You are not like them, and that is a good thing. There are LOTS of them. Only a few of us. We are not some kind of deformed mistake of nature. We are not some broken expression of any angry god. We are not put here for our own punishment, or for the punishment of others.
Work out the things that cause you to suffer. What things YOU would like to change because they will make YOUR life better. Then set about doing them. Even if it’s in fits and starts and inconsistent, even if you end up with multiple projects all on the go at once. This is how we work. Don't stress about this. It's just a different way of getting to the same end result. But most of all DON”T promise her you will change for her. You won’t and you will both end up resentful and exhausted.
And always remember: Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds. Meaning. IF the love you have requires you to be a different person than the one she swore a commitment to, then it's not love.
Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself. 1 year is nothing. You are still in the honeymoon phase, and by my reckoning should still be finding novel corners of the house in which to bonk. So really don't overly stress and don't let fear decide your fate. Work on it.There is still plenty of time. :)
Free to do what I want any old time
Submitted by adhd32 on
I get this sentiment from your post.
You like to do what you like to do when you want to do it. You do not like to be told what to do or questioned in any way about your intentions. You might be able to change but why bother since change would make you into someone you are not. No one can make you change, especially if requested change is from your wife and relates to the relationship. You have given up trying so a big F.U. to the spouse who was blindsided when your hyper focus waned. Efforts by others to assist you are unwelcome because you interpret them as criticism so you are insulted by offers of help. You want to have someone love you unconditionally and lower their standards to accept the mess, and the missed appointments, and drama that goes with living with an ADD spouse. You want a relationship without any feelings of responsibility because taking responsibility for your actions or inaction makes you feel bad.
Free to do.....my take
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Some of my disagreements with my BF early on in our relationship were because of his reaction to things I said or did. In past relationships, and with family, he has experienced people trying to control him.
As a child, from age 8 and up to 17, his stepfather called him a freak, and was physically abusive. In his family, the only person who read up on ADHD at all was his mother. After he went thru CBT, he asked his family to tell him how he was acting, so that he could be aware of his behavior, and how it was affecting others. His sister lied about how he was acting,to make him feel bad/guilty, and to control him. His ex wife preferred him to be medicated so that he would be "sudued" enough for her. He dated women who thought he had "great potential", if only he could be "fixed".
I think much of his defiant attitude was him reacting to what he perceived to be me trying to control him. During one disagreement, he went off on me, stating that he would not give up friends/family for any woman ever again, and would not be controlled. I tried to explain to him that I was not asking him to give up any one. I was just concerned about his "friending" a subordinate on Facebook, and the inappropriate comments this woman was making about our relationship, which was none of her business. We worked things out, but it took a little while.
My BF takes responsibility for his actions, and there hasn't been alot of drama, just misunderstandings around him blurting out things, and him going into too much detail about other women.
Why so hateful?
Submitted by GamerBehaviorist on
I’ve been reading every comment on my post, gaining insight and some ideas on things to try.
Why would I post, for the first time ever, asking for advice if i had a FU attitude and didn’t want to change?
I work as a behaviorist. Behavior change programs are literally what I do for a living. The key to a successful plan is finding a strategy that works for the individual. I have exhausted every strategy I currently know and I am simply seeking out other strategies that have worked for people in the past.
You have no idea the responsibility I take in this relationship. My partner has a 2 1/2 year-old child. He isn’t mine, but I love him as if he was. When he is sick and needs to stay home from daycare, I call in and stay with him. When we found out he has a speech delay, I took the responsibility I’m doing everything the speech therapist says to help him learn. I have never run from responsibilities.
If there are no more comments with helpful, meaningful, advice and/or then I will delete this post. I’m not here for the drama.
My response was to Jon
Submitted by adhd32 on
Game,
Sorry if you thought my comments were directed at you, I was replying to Jon's comment on why he doesn't want to change for the possible improvement to his home situation or his relationship.
It's just venting.
Submitted by Jon on
Probably because after many year of being in a relationship seemingly bashing ones head against a wall some people have a whole lot of anger. You will find often there will be the occasional angry spouse that will vent at whatever it is you have to say simply because in what you say they see their own spouse and that illicits a sense of anger and rage that comes out right here. I also do not run from my responsibilities, in my family I have been the bed of financial security while my partner flitted around in fairy land, working as part time as she could get away with, going from one get rich idea to the next and living the lifestyle of a local Facebook socialite. It is an unfortunate thing that stereotypes come easy when blame is the extent of one's ability to reflect on their own situation, one learns to treat it like water of a ducks back. I NEVER said I had a FU attitude, and that was a perfect example of how things get lost in translation between those with ADHD and those without.
I don't know how old you are, but trust me there is a whole lot more of this kind of thing coming your way over your life, one gets used to it.
As I say. Don't even try to change FOR your partner. Instead consider the things YOU want to change that are important to you because they adversely impact your life, of course if you love your partner, and it is reciprocated then by the very nature of things, many of the things that you will want to change will also be things that she will struggle with, if she does not already. That is my sole piece of advice. It's the ONLY thing that has ever worked for me, even IF it was only for brief periods. The point of what I was saying is that it is very easy to get into a stubborn resistance to being molded, it happens without you ever realizing, and likely more so as your relationship matures, but it's VERY important to be aware of it because it has caused me no end of grief.
A prime example
Submitted by Jon on
Some people simply see what they want to see. You don't at ALL get the sentiment, instead in your normy head your read into it what you wanted to and directed contempt at a person you don't know from a bar of soap who happens to carry the same label as the person you hold responsible for making your life a misery. One of the MOST hypocritical things on a lot of the post here is the NON ADHD people telling ADHD people to take responsibility and then blaming another persons biology for making their life less than they think life entitles them. If you are miserable and your spouse makes you so, use the door already before everyone ends up irreparably damaged.
Some of the things you said...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Jon....
Your post was powerful and insightful.
Some of the things you said, echo what my Boyfriend has said to me. He has been in relationships/marriages where the person tried to change him, and after his divorce did not seriously date again for years, because he wanted to be with someone who accepted him as he is.
I can't imagine what it feels like to be him, and to have endured the things he has endured. I love him, and look forward to our future together, one day at a time.
This helps me to understand
Submitted by vabeachgal on
This helps me to understand better but it also helps me to understand that it was an unwelcome paradigm shift in my case. I also believe in reciprocity, respect, consistency, forgiveness, honor, patience, graciousness, gratitude, working together..... Jon's post and your response resonated with me.
The primary point is that for me, it was an unwelcome paradigm shift, because I truly believe in the things you mentioned and it forms the basis and values of my life. In the end, I was also faced with the "eff everyone, this is me, I can't change, deal with it" mentality where I was, on the other hand, very willing to bend, twist, rationalize, change and contort to adapt.
That says it all. "There's nothing I can do to change, so deal with it, how do you expect me to change" was the fundamental difficulty I encountered. I was willing to change and adapt until... I understood the hyperfocus wasn't "real" and this is what I was left with and it wasn't pretty. My ex husband wasn't willing to change at gunpoint, so to speak, and I was no longer willing to compromise my basic values and beliefs and approach to life. Like Poison Ivy, I will own my own decisions and actions to that point just as I'll own my decision to end the marraige.
I guess I have to say that it seems like one person in the equation "seems" to be saying definitely eff you, deal with it and the other person seems to be saying, well, of course, I'll try and ... the imbalance is not surmountable.
Unapologetic aloofness?
Submitted by jennalemone on
This does seem to be the crux of my difficulty in my marriage also. H's middle finger up attitude toward me and the world. "If you don't like it, you know what you can do!"...I bet he said that a hundred times to me. He protected him SELF against anyone who wanted to be partners. All while appearing quite pleased with himself for being defiant and contrary. I look for how to put that into words. Sometimes a culture does not have the words to describe what it is that is wrong. Putting a face, a name, a "word" to it makes it more real and gives you the ability to address the problem. Like, all a woman has to say today is #metoo and we "get it". There hadn't been a legitimate term for it before so it was confusing and dismissed. What is the term for being married for life to someone who acts and speaks like they don't want to be married but profess that they do and think they are doing a fine job at it?
Never seen it said so succinctly, Jenna...
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"...being married for life to someone who acts and speaks like they don't want to be married but profess that they do and think they are doing a fine job at it?"
Thank you. This is SO it. There is no better, more succinct way to describe my life.
Love is being a friend not an adversary
Submitted by jennalemone on
AND...what is it called when someone acts and speaks like they WANT to be with someone for the rest of their life? I am trying to turn my negatives into positives and repeat them to myself and those around me. How would I put those words into what I WANT rather than what I DON"T WANT? I will try: I want to be with people who I can trust to be by my side and appreciate me = FRIEND. People who will talk to me honestly and with respect = FRIEND. People who share themselves with me openly and joyfully = TRUSTED FRIEND. People who it feels like they want to be with me = FRIEND. Today I will spend some time online with the word "friend". That is what I am missing with H. He does not talk or act like I am his cared-for friend. And I don't believe that has anything to do with ADD....or does it?
:)
Submitted by jennalemone on
:)
A sham marriage is what it's
Submitted by Jon on
"...being married for life to someone who acts and speaks like they don't want to be married but profess that they do and think they are doing a fine job at it?"
A sham marriage is what it's called. ADHD is unnecessary for this affliction.