I've written before, frustrated, venting, but all of that was before 18 Dec when I found out he may have fathered another child when I was 8 months pregnant. He was freaking out before the baby came, scared out of his mind, not working and maybe even a little manic/hypomanic. The last year of craziness makes a lot of sense to me now that i know he knew about this and hid it from me from Feb 09 to Dec 09, all while becoming a first time dad. (and btw - he's a great, great dad to our daughter). However, he also had an emotional affair in the first year of our marriage when he was hypersexual and thinking that because I wasn't, I didn't desire him or love him enough. We've been together six years, married four. Had some counseling after the EA, but since he was not yet diagnosed, things only "seemed" to get better.
This latest affair was the straw on the camel's back for me, a back loaded with painful burdens of disorganization, chaos, lack of income, blaming everyone else for his failures including a failed business, his drinking and driving, compulsive spending, all while I was supporting him financially and emotionally. The news came just as I was growing comfortable with the idea of supporting him through some treatment and recovery, adapting my lifestyle to accomodate his ADHD needs and changing my expectations. When the news of the affair came, I calmly made him move out so I could have some time to think and get control of my anger and resentment. I also needed to see him take steps to make his and our life better, including counseling, handling his own money, getting to work on time by himself, and working a job even when it isn't always fun.
He is so remorseful, and so in love with me and our daughter. He is trying as hard as anyone could to make everything right. My biggest concern is that he's obviously pretty overwhelmed, and continues to lose important things, admits to not yet being able to handle money or scheduling very well, and as of yet, has not had a single appointment with a psychiatrist or psychologist. He wants to badly, I can see it, but he forgets or is apprehensive, or both. He went through exhaustive testing and came through severely ADHD, possibly BiPolar I (although I think II is more likely if BiPolar disorder is an issue). They provided him his results, accompanied by a list of doctors at the clinic for him to see...which he promptly lost. I find myself, as the caring friend first, ultimatum-producing-betrayed-spouse-and-mom second, reminding him that he isn't going to be able to fix this on his own, and that treatment has to be a priority. He "gets it" but doesn't seem to be getting it done. He's also supposed to arrange couples counseling and let me know when we can start. It's been two months since I found out about the affair. It may seem like I expect a lot from an untreated ADHDer, but I really thought he'd be on medication and in treatment by now, which might help him organize and accomplish some other things.
I'm scared for him. And for us. I'm left wondering if I'll ever get over the resentment, if anything will ever really change, or if I will be angry, frustrated and afraid for most of my marriage should I choose to stay. How much are we really supposed to deal with? How much do we help? If I didn't have a daughter with him, I think I would leave him, even loving him still, just from the exhaustion of it all. I'm finally able to put him in the "sink or swim" situation, living on his own, and it's freed me up to see that, while I'm nowhere near perfect, my life (and daughters) is calmer without his chaos. But I don't want to be with anyone else either. I feel like I get to choose between a rock and hard place, sadness with him, or sadness alone?
Any encouragement? Help? Advice?