Notice I did not say "the" non-ADHD spouse. I would never assume that anyone else has the same experience as I've had just because he or she is the non-ADHD spouse. (And yes, I also think people, including me, shouldn't assume that they know what is going on in the brain of my husband, the ADHD spouse.)
I go to work and feel as though I don't fit in, because I'm aware that my coworkers have spouses with jobs at which they actually get paid regularly and they deposit their paychecks in the bank and they're not in danger of losing their homes, and I no longer am that kind of person.
I feel as though I'm dead or my husband is dead, because he never initiates communication with me and he responds to only about 10 % of the messages I send him (typically fewer than five per week).
I wonder how to get into that world of people who are in marriages in which both spouses have been faithful to their vows to support each other.
I don't know what the proper role of a parent is when the other parent is either mentally ill or has a personality or brain disorder: besides doing double the work as a parent, do I also tell my daughters why their father neglects them?
I spend a lot of time wondering how to say to my husband, in words he can understand, that if he doesn't pitch in financially, I can't pay bills.
My brain feels like a pretzel and my stomach knots up when I contemplate the common belief that I, as the non-ADHD spouse, should know exactly how my husband's brain works and should have eternal patience and understanding, whereas the common belief is that he owes me nothing.
Hi Rosered
Submitted by jennalemon on
I hear you. I can tell you are at a place of really feeling at a loss. I am sorry. I feel like I know you. Know that most lives are not as good as they seem. Most families are not the happy nuclear families we thought/think they were/are, or thought we should be like. It takes all kinds to make a family. Whether you make arrangements that don't include your dh or whether you make do with a difficult situation, it does not matter to anyone else. You must do what your heart knows it wants to do. Be sure to have as many people of all kinds in your circle. It is easier to take a scary leap when there are lots of people supporting you. It is easier to soldier on and cope with difficulties when there are lots of people around.
When I read about your dh's parents, I wonder what they think. They must think it strange (and bad) that their son is leaving his own family to hang around with them every day. What does he do all day? Have you talked to them?
My husband's parents: my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband's parents: my mother-in-law has Alzheimer's disease and my father-in-law has the standard infirmities of aging: diabetes, arthritis, obesity. My husband's job is to sit with them, talk to his mom, cook two meals a day, and do errands. My father-in-law varies between being suspicious that my husband is taking advantage of him, criticizing him for doing the "wrong" things with my mother-in-law (who, my father-in-law believes, does not obey his commands because she doesn't like being bossed around; she's very deep into Alzheimer's) and showing extreme neediness; when my husband made known that he was planning to come here for one day, at my request, to see one daughter at the end of a three-week visit and drive her to the airport, my father-in-law protested. It is a messy situation, one that is hard to explain, and particularly hard to cope with because of the disdain shown by my father-in-law for his grandchildren and my husband's implicit cooperation with that attitude.
I know that every family has problems. But what I was trying to illustrate is that we each have our own thoughts and feelings and levels of comfort with the world, and that those of the non-ADHD spouse are as real as those of the ADHD spouse and not necessarily easier to cope with.
Distance
Submitted by jennalemon on
Yes, we do have feelings and needs and our needs are not being met by our significant others when significant others are always gone physically and/or emotionally. It is sad that we feel a need to express our thoughts and feelings here on this board to feel heard and to share ourselves with others. When I express a need or feeling to dh it is interpreted to him as accusations and he further distances himself.
Do they know?
Submitted by sunlight on
"do I also tell my daughters why their father neglects them?"
Do you mean that they do not know that he has ADHD?
If that is so, then 1000 times yes they should know that he has it. ADHD is (as commonly understood) highly heritable and undoubtedly a complex picture involving many genes. If even a component may be recessive (ie may not appear until a carrier produces a child with another carrier and then may find the correct circumstances to be expressed), if there is even that possibility, why would anyone not want their children to be aware? So that they can be the ones to potentially break the cycle of undiagnosed and untreated struggle going down the next generations. Would you want your children's children to repeat your husband's struggle? None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, why risk waiting to see if it happens?
Sorry if that's not what you meant.
Thank you, Sunlight. That is
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you, Sunlight. That is what I meant. I think you make very good points. But I struggle with this issue, because my husband is not an advocate of honesty when potentially negative topics are concerned.
Hmm, let's see..
Submitted by sunlight on
.. I think you have one husband (maybe soon to be ex), two daughters (never to be ex) and potential descendants (never to be ex). Do the needs of the many outweigh the desires of the one?
And, sorry to sound judgmental, but he's had his life and shown no ability so far to be the one to advise others on the ramifications of ADHD. From your description of how he is unaware of the effect of his ADHD on you then I think he is not capable of understanding the impact on future generations. He may be able to understand that there might be an impact, but to truly GET it - I don't think so. I think the best he could achieve would be to understand that this is one of those issues that you will be able to handle better than he and to trust your judgment. But it seems he is not even at that point yet, so when? Realistically? And time marches on.
If you did explain to your daughters then the type of issues you raised in your other post below would all just go away. I'm referring to:
" for example, when my younger daughter told me that during their trip home in the car after he picked her up at the airport when she returned from four months' overseas, he didn't ask her anything, and I could tell her feelings were hurt, should I have said something about her dad's ADHD?
Or this: Should I tell my daughters that I can afford to help them with expenses or I can afford to keep the house, but I can't afford both, because my husband doesn't put money into the bank because of his ADHD?"
Your daughters are adults now. Perhaps they've already figured it out, or maybe they've figured out that there is something (and that it seems to be a deep secret that you're keeping from them). Only you can tell if that's possible. But your burden would be lighter if you didn't have to continually torture yourself with the type of questions above - once ADHD is explained to them then surely they would learn to understand your husband's behavior and instead of thinking him selfish (the return from overseas and his lack of interest) then would understand that he was not trying to hurt or ignore them. I'd let the daylight in and take the short term consequences whatever they may be, because of the longer term ramifications of not saying anything.
If you do decide to do it, remember "fortune favors the brave".
Thanks, Sunlight. This is
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thanks, Sunlight. This is very helpful!
How old are your children?
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I cannot remember how old your children are. I skimmed over some of your older posts, but alas, I didn't readily find the answer.
I am 54. My children are 21 and 24. They are both at the age of realizing the difficulties that arise dealing with their Dad's under-addressed ADHD. Forgotten appointments; lateness; broken promises, etc.
Children see Moms and Dads so differently. I was a stay-at-home mom who also ran the administrative end of the family plumbing business. It always amused me that my children would be so disappointed if I could not attend one of their events - but it didn't bother them if their Daddy couldn't be there. I did all the scouting, dance lessons, play practices, PTA, orthodontist appointments, etc., etc., etc. I did the driving them back and forth to school each day when we changed schools through open-enrollment when they were in 2nd and 4th grade. that was specially taxing on my time when the grade school and middle school split happened, and then when the middle-school high-school split happened. I took them every day - 2 different schools, 2 different starting times, 2 different release times.
I can't imagine that a child would even think they were being neglected. They may see that Daddy doesn't play with them, or watches sports on TV, or is busy . . . but the only way they would understand it as neglect is if someone labeled it that way.
My son's ADHD is what brought awareness of the whole subject into our family. He was in 4th grade by the time we finally realized it was ADHD. He always was a very smart young boy. Had a high IQ, nice manners and was very, very, very busy and talked and asked questions etc! The issues that came up with attending public school were where we found the outline of what his ADHD wired brain meant in terms of learning social skills, and any of the other behaviors in ADHD. He learned his emotional limits, when to ask for a break, when to say he was frustrated, and most importantly, when to ask for help. He learned what he could do, and what he could do very well. Yes, we all had to learn to accept that he would never fit the school's requirements for Principal's Awards or straight As on his report-card - he was extremely intelligent - yet his penmanship was so bad, the teacher couldn't read his answers. Or he could find the papers his teachers wanted him to provide - - but he couldn't keep it organized in his desk in the "required way of organizing" that the teacher set forth.
My point in that little digression was that I see and know how addressing ADHD can be highly beneficial to the person who has it - - -and his interactions "with others. He has reasons why some things are difficult - but never excuses. He is kind. Polite. Empathetic to others.
I see a direction where my spouse could get his life to start going - - probably the worst part of where I am today - I can hardly stand to watch him suffer and disintegrate deeper and deeper into his anger and frustration - when there really is a way out.
One of the rules we had here was - no - none - never - ever call anyone a mean name. Maybe behavior was not so good, but who they were was always a fine and decent Child of God. We make ourselves aware of the distinction between WHO someone is and what someone DOES.
Actually, we had a major meltdown by my spouse yesterday. I grow so weary trying to "keep out of the symptom-response-response cycle" "keep out of a child/parent relationship" "walk away when the argument turns into being controlled by his anger" "walk away when he yelled, as I refuse to allow anyone to treat me that way." I am so-o listening for guidance from the Holy Spirit as my personal boundary, the 3 year mark of trying to reset our relationship, was several days ago. Actually almost 2 weeks ago. I hit that date, and and so disappointed . . .don't know what I expected to happen, , , but nothing did. But I know I have to change this life arrangement. . . . . it is not a good Christian example of a healthy marriage. It is a lie. It is broken.
I would never use the word
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I would never use the word "neglect" with my children to describe their father's behavior. And I know he is not intending to neglect them. But nevertheless, he engages in behavior that hurts them. So, for example, when my younger daughter told me that during their trip home in the car after he picked her up at the airport when she returned from four months' overseas, he didn't ask her anything, and I could tell her feelings were hurt, should I have said something about her dad's ADHD?
Or this: Should I tell my daughters that I can afford to help them with expenses or I can afford to keep the house, but I can't afford both, because my husband doesn't put money into the bank because of his ADHD?