Submitted by inthedark on 09/26/2016.
I am attracted to his intelligence, quick mind and intuition. BUT he is not circumspect which I am. He just blurts out whatever he's thinking and because he is always trying to help everyone else I am starting to feel like I am an afterthought, and he says things like "if someone wants me out of their life it doesn't bother me". He tries to hurt me but I know its just because he doesn't think I will keep putting up with his behaviour, or is it? Can see how this would all become too much.
Hi Inthedark....
Submitted by c ur self on
Statements like you posted ( "if someone wants me out of their life it doesn't bother me") here can be several things...all bad, in my opinion.....Either it's a victim statement used to manipulate...or it's a reality in his mind caused by low self esteem and past hurts that's forced him to not attach...
It could also be Alexithymia; or he may possess symptoms of Alexithymia....(dysfunction in emotional awareness, and interpersonal relating)...
Always trying to help others; and tries to hurt you doesn't go together....If you can't trust him, to do what he say's I would move on, just my personal thought....
C
low self esteem
Submitted by inthedark on
Thank you c ur self, that is very helpful. Yes he does have low self esteem, and seems to have helped a lot of people financially especially in the past and has been let down. I am trying to be open minded and he is showing signs of being considerate, but he does detach come to think of it, a bit superficial. I have never heard of Alexithymia, but he could very well have that. I don't know if medication would help, he is already taking medication for a serious physical ailment so I don't think I will suggest that to him. Thank you again.
inthedark....
Submitted by c ur self on
Just beware friend...at the end of the day it really doesn't matter what about a person's psyche is producing their actions...As a separate individual we have to decide if those fixed behaviors are something we want to attach ourselves to....In a union of two being one what ever you have he has; what ever he has you have....So no matter if you are capable of a healthy attachment....You will never be able to have that if he is not....Can you deal with that? Can you give up the thoughts that tell you "It doesn't have to be this way"??
Never make another person your project; because of immaturity or your own insecurities....You want to be friend and try to help him?....Be a friend; it's a very admirable thing, but remember one thing; only those who can " See" their problems ever really have one.
So if you are managing your life well...And your spirit is conflicted with his living of life....You need to listen well....I hope this doesn't seem to personal, but, it's what I would share w/ my own daughter....
Blessings
C
thank you C again. You give
Submitted by inthedark on
thank you C again. You give very good advice and deep down I know you are right. He has expressed desire to change and yes I do want to "change" him. I'm glad you are being personal too, thank you, because I am pretty insecure and lonely of course which doesn't help. I myself am caring for daughter with disability as well so I am beginning to feel I don't really have the time and energy to devote to him either. My psychologist told me I am attracted to men who aren't available, and I am beginning to think she is right, but how I change that I don't know.
thank you again
K
inthedark....
Submitted by c ur self on
Since I am one; I will suggest a few things I think a man needs, to be an acceptable partner...
One who doesn't need you; but; if he committed to you, would love you and your daughter unconditionally.
One who isn't a victim, but, lives a life of thankfulness...
One who is stable and expects life to be about working and providing....
I understand loneliness; but, I just would hate for you to make your life harder than it has to be....
C
i have stepped back
Submitted by inthedark on
he doesn't act like a victim, he works hard, is generous, but said he hoped i didn't want to get married. I have decided not to call him for now and feel better. thank you C.
he said he would call....
Submitted by inthedark on
He said he would call me to have a day out, he's very busy at the moment. But he didn't call and now I am missing him, but I think he is manipulative, is this a symptom of ADHD? and being unreliable, he could have called just to say he couldn't go out, just don't get it.
inthedark
Submitted by c ur self on
We usually get what we see with people...It's just that it is so hard for us to accept it at times (we want it to be different for own selfish reasons, of course we can justify those:))....I can't speak for anyone else, I also do not know what is symptom's of adhd/add and what is something else many times....Generally speaking based on my time dealing with it...Manipulation per se isn't a symptom...Now saying that, I also feel it is very easy to misinterpret the inability to have a healthy attachment, as manipulation among other things....
But with all due respect to you, myself and all the non's who might read this...Our inability to accept this or even understand it is the problem...We "see" through different lens....Throw in personality, insecurities, and just plain ole wickedness and it's just better to not get caught up in making judgments or diagnoses of others....Beside's at the end of the way I will only answer for myself and no one else....
I suggest you try to refocus on self awareness...."I am missing him"....This has nothing to do w/ him. I suggest you just take it one day at a time, and try to not think about the what if's...Don't let your thoughts be dominated by something completely out of your control and unhealthy for you....Try to think about what is good for me. You may decide to enjoy the outdoors more, exercise, what ever you think is beneficial for yourself.
When I woke up this morning; I looked at my phone and I saw your comment...So as I was praying for self awareness for myself, I also ask God to do the same for you, To give you peace, and let you know how much he loves you! I hope you really have a blessed day inthelight:)
C
yes, not really sure he wants
Submitted by inthedark on
yes, not really sure he wants a relationship, we aren't in contact at the moment so will be interesting to see if I ever hear from him again. another thing about him he is very touchy and doesn't have a sense of humour, is always trying to get one up on me when there's nothing to be offended by. You are right about the outdoors and exercise C, I am outdoors a LOT and exercising, just because I need to get away! I am turning to God too, read a few lines this morning. "shall the Sun of righteousness arise with healing in his wings;and ye shall go forth, and grow up as calves of the stall". I just open my bible and read the first thing I see, I am a bit superstitious like that, but strangely enough it is always something I can relate to and is inspiring. I think I am learning self care gradually but my friends can see how unhappy I am, so it's a long process, but I am at heart an optimistic person and reading your comments certainly gives me hope and I will say a little prayer for you too!
K
inthedark, my ADHD husband has said this
Submitted by dedelight4 on
My ADHD husband (not saying yours is doing the same) says things like this, and even the same phrase, and it's low self esteem with him also. But, after many years of marriage, and him continuing to NOT let me into his life, keeping me at arms length, I had to look into other explanations. He definetly does passive-aggressive behavior, and it's his way of manipulating our relationship, and still feeling good about himself (even though he knows better) thinking he is staying "detached", and "not needing anyone", when the reality is just the opposite. And it has hurt MANY people, mostly me and our daughters, But, PA is very hurtful and manipulative, and abusive.
thanks
Submitted by inthedark on
thanks for that. it shines more light on the subject of ADHD. He does have low self esteem, and can be loving and say caring things but then change and say something inappropriate. If PA is your husband you shouldn't put up with abuse, the other things are bad enough.
take care
K