My husband who has ADD, and I were speaking this last weekend and I felt like we peeled a layer back worth sharing. I was telling him that the only way I have found not to have an argument with him is when: 1) I don't speak or 2) when I don't ask him or REMIND him (because he already agreed to do it) to do anything. Here is what he said, please note I SO VERY MUCH appreciate the honesty from him (because it is rare):
Responsibility makes me feel like you are "Putting Something On Me" and that makes me feel "Attacked".
It feels like an "Attack" because I want/need him to do something even though he DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT.
Feeling "Attacked" makes him feel he needs to Defend himself from what I am trying to "Put On Him" or Avoid it all together. A traditional Fight or Flight response.
The whole thing is just a "Burden" that he doesn't want.
Then we talk about what he feels are different types of responsibility and he shares his view:
1. Responsibility that someone "Picks Up". They typically want to control the situation so they "pick up" the responsibility in order to control it.
2. Responsibility that is "Given". This is responsibility the persons wants and seeks. Ex. If you do a good job at work, you receive more responsibility, a better position and more money. Reward based.
3. Responsibility that is "Placed On You". This covers all responsibility that is a burden that you don't want and someone hasn't picked up.
I feel so blessed that he was able to articulate this thought so clearly.
I believe, "We don't change TRUTH, TRUTH changes us". This is a hard truth to hear but it just confirmed what I already knew. He waits for me or anyone to PICK UP responsibility and if we don't, HE certainly WON'T. No way is he going to touch it with a 10 foot pole. He isn't that dumb as to put himself in a position to touch it because if he does he might own it and he isn't interested in owning any responsibility other than that with the reward is deemed worthy, in his opinion of his, efforts.
His goal is to not pick up or have responsibility placed on him. He is only interested in responsibility given to him at work (but not too much), just enough to keep his job and not advance. I know from reading on this forum - that is a huge something.
Does this sound like your spouse?