Submitted by mdraper on 01/11/2008.
I am a non ADD spouse entering into our 19th year of marriage. We have had major communication difficulties right from the beginning, and LOTS of marriage counseling. We ended up separating in our 13th year. It was during this time that I came across a one page article entitled ‘Can your marriage be saved?’ The husband was ADHD. WOW! That article explained my husband to a T, (he’s ADD) and has also helped me understand what was holding back our son. My husband moved back home 3 years later, and we have both made a concentrated effort towards reconciliation.
Both boys have been taking Adderall, which has been extremely helpful. We are in the process of finding the proper anti-depressant medication for my husband. We started on Effexor, moved over to Welbutrin and have now added on Paroxetine. I have requested that he ask his doctor for a substitute for the Paroxetine, as this has caused erectile dysfunction.
I very much enjoy the sexual act, and the intimacy that it provides. My husband has always found it a waste of time, and puts it off until he absolutely has too. Previous to taking the Paroxetine, he may have balked at having to have sex, however he did get into it, and enjoyed it. Now, he finds it an extreme bother .
We are very opposite, I am highly emotional, and he is very logical. The early years have left a long line of disappointments, anger and resentment. I have made it a priority to find out all there is to know about ADD. I have worked very hard at trying to forgive, thank you Dr. Hallowell for that wonderful book on ‘Dare to Forgive’, and I am now reading ‘Real Love’ the truth about finding unconditional love and fulfilling relationships, by Greg Baer. Together, we created a flowchart (remember…very logical) showing that we are still very much apart, and are struggling to obtain some sort of intimacy. We plotted intimacy as respect, honesty, trust, and passion. If we can obtain the intimacy needed, it would then provide us with peace.
We have accomplished respect for one another. We are working hard, and moving forward on the honesty and trust. However, the passion is severely lacking. To him, love is love, and sex is sex. They are not intertwined. He equates love and intimacy with hugging and cuddling, which he is making an effort to provide. I equate love and intimacy to hugging, cuddling and at times the act of sex. It brings me to a deeper level of intimacy.
Being ADD has caused difficulty with commitment, as focus falls by the wayside. The act of sex is another commitment that he feels he has to fill, therefore he has difficulty. He would prefer that I find that portion of intimacy outside of our relationship.
This is very uncomfortable. I don’t think finding another gentleman to satisfy my desire for sex is a good idea. We already struggle with communication. Keeping secrets like this will definitely destroy the trust and honesty that we are trying to achieve. Love and sex are intertwined. I have tried explaining that having sex with another man could open the door to me finding intimacy with that man. There are some very deep consequences to this type of arrangement.
Please can you advise me on how to proceed? Thank you.
It seems to me that maybe
Submitted by stb616 on
Thank you
Submitted by mdraper on
Time to Take Care of Yourself
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I have been thinking about your first post for several days - trying to figure out how to tell you what it feels like to have an affair...why people have them...what they do to your relationship. Your second post puts your dilemna into a completely different light. Your husband is telling you that HE wants to have an affair (or, more accurately, is already having one) and is simply letting you know that you may as well do so, too. This is the wrong reason to do so at this time.
I have been on both sides of this one, and it's painful no matter how where you sit. Here are some observations...part of the reason you fell in love with your husband was he hyperfocused on you. It's the best feeling in the world. However, it always comes to an end. He is hyperfocusing on his old girlfriend now but that will end sometime in the future, too. But by then you will find that it won't be your problem any more, just hers. (Particularly if she gives up a family etc to be able to be with him...and then he stops focusing on her.) It is his ability to openly do this in front of you that both makes it so hurtful and, ultimagely, diminishes the chances that the two of you might stay together.
You've already figured out why your husband is having an affair - everything with her is perfect and easy...everything with you is real and messy (i.e. what life is often like after 20 years). Your sex feels like pressure, your needs make him feel inadequate, your time together is repetitive. Affairs, on the other hand, are complete fantasy.
You've given a good deal of your life to trying to make this marriage work. Now it's time to change your goal. Instead of having your goal be "make my marriage work" it should be "live a life that makes me happy". That might keep you in this marriage or, more likely, move you out of it into a healing phase and then onto something that is more fulfilling.
Your son will never look at you and think you didn't try. You can be proud of the effort that you have put in. But your husband's current inability to think of your feelings and how he is hurting you is simply too much to bear. No woman should have to endure this kind of pain.
The next phase will be very hard...you are doing just right by reconnecting with others around you. Make sure that you make decisions in this period that make you proud of yourself. While you may be tempted to lash out at your husband simply because he is hurting you, try to resist the temptation - things done in anger provide short-lived sweetness and then have a very long tail of bad after-effects. Be particularly careful not to put your wonderful son in the middle. Stand up for yourself in a way that makes you feel proud and honorable. (But do stand up for yourself, and don't let him walk all over you any more. That probably means asking him to move out.)
Don't assume that you know exactly what the future holds, or that you can manipulate your way in any specific direction. Just take each day with the "live a life that brings happiness" goal and things will, eventually, get much better because you will be positively affecting your future.
I know what pain you are going through - I've lived it. Changing my goal from "keep the marriage intact" to "live a life that makes me happy" was really important - and surprisingly freeing. Only after I did that was I able to make decisions that meant that my husband and I could meet on equal footing again, rather than having us each feel as if we were sacrificing for the other. It gave me the perspective and strength to see that I didn't need to be with him to be happy (there's never really only one solution to the problem of being happy...we just convince ourselves that this is the case sometimes), and my change in goals allowed me to set the boundaries that I needed to feel good about myself and my behavior. A surprise side benefit was that I also gained my husband's respect at the same time, which for us did end up leading to reconcilliation and set the base for a completely new and wonderful relationship.
I am NOT saying that be setting boundaries you will reconcile (it sounds as if this is not so likely in your case). Rather, I am saying that by focusing on what gives you a happier life you gain perspective that is really important and helpful to have. You move your focus from how your marriage failed to a much more positive one - constructing a new and exciting future. I am also saying that the future is unpredictable. You can only control your own behavior, and I guess you can't predict either your own or anyone else's future behavior or responses. Stay strong, stay proud, try not to hurt others in your own hurt and anger. Reach out to your friends and family when you are in need.
Melissa Orlov
Frustration, Anger, I'm afraid of myself
Submitted by zachbrooks on
Leave or Get Treatment
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Stephen - you don't mention whether or not your wife is aware of how strongly you feel about her ADD symptoms and that you are considering leaving. If she isn't aware of your feelings, she deserves to hear about them, but please deliver your message at a time when you aren't angry and can talk with her about some of what I write below.
The responses that you are having to your ADD partner can indeed change your personality, and if this happens it's generally not for the better as the change comes from a build up of anger, resentment and hurt. To compensate, do these three things: focus on who you want to be, and be that person regardless of your wife's actions; actively work to manage your anger (more on that later); put a plan together (with your wife) to get you out of the mess you are getting into.
I would suggest thinking about how you can separate your wife from her ADD symptoms in your own mind because when you are able to do this your behavior towards her will subtly change, and she'll pick up on it. The most common reason that ADD spouses refuse to address their symptoms is that they feel that their spouse wants to change them in some impossible way (and that their spouse is telling them they are inadequate). If you can see the person as adequate, but the symptoms as a problem, the issues become more clear. (For example, there are many systems that can be put into place to manage disorganization.) Once you separate the person from the symptoms, it also becomes easier to put together that action plan I mentionned earlier so that together you can start to put your life back on track.
It's highly unlikely that treatment for your wife, if she takes it seriously, would further diminish your financial situation More likely is the outcome that treatment allows her to be organized enough to find and keep a job and, possibly, save her marriage. At that rate, treatment sounds like a GREAT idea! Note on this, medication isn't the only kind of treatment, and she should be in charge of choosing the right treatments for her. Meds alone, should she choose them, won't do it for her - she also will need to learn some new skills (like staying better organized).
You mention several times that your wife's organizational skills are getting in your way. But if she is such a bad organizer, why is she the one doing the organizing? Generally, couples need to find out what each partner does best and utilize those strengths. So in your case it sounds as if the organizing should be in your court, not hers. Another way of putting it is this - she is unlikely to ever be a master organizer, though with treatment she will most likely to be adequately organized to live a good life with you (and manage kids) - provided you don't set the organizational bar so high that she can never get there (non-ADD spouses do this all too often). In our household, my husband has a separate room for his office because I can't stand how much STUFF there is everywhere in his work space (wires and cables and machines EVERYWHERE!!!) but the separate room means that it's contained. That's hard to do in a one bedroom apartment, but there might be ways of creatively coping if you start thinking of messiness as the issue, not her.
As for being afraid you will hurt her when you get angry. DON'T! If you get angry enough that you think you might hit her, walk out of the apartment right then (take a key, in case she locks you out!!). Explore immediately ways (besides putting a plan in place to address her symptoms) that can help you alleviate your anger. Some try meditation, others do rigorous exercise, still others try counselling. Pick something, and make it your job to control yourself. NO ONE deserves to be hit - and certainly not by someone who said "I do". (Furthermore, whether or not you stay with your wife, you need to learn to control your anger...sometimes life will frustrate you, no matter who you are with.)
You mention that "I am trying to accomplish things in my life...and her ADD is distracting". Okay, I get that, but be careful that you aren't putting work (or your anger) ahead of her in a way that isolates her. There's a lot in life that is distracting, and what you are going through right now is a hell of a lot better than the distraction of, say, having a child killed in a car crash or (as recently happened in my town) being the parent of the teenager who recently hit and killed another child while driving on a dark road...Life rarely unfolds in the straight line that we expect when we are young. What you are going through is frustrating, but hopefully managable. (Forgive me for getting too pedantic here - I'm not talking down to you, I promise!. My mother just passed away, after a very "unfair" illness that changed her life for the worse for more than 10 years and I've been thinking alot lately about how much my idea of how life unfolds has changed from when I was in my 20s...I'm just trying to share some of my accumulated wisdom and hope you aren't offended!)
Speaking of "managable", whether or not to have kids is a big decision (one that many take too lightly, I think). You and your wife need to have found solid ground before you have kids if there is any hope that you will stay together, Kids add a huge amount of stress, particularly when finances are tight.
So, to recap:
Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.
Melissa Orlov
*sigh*
Submitted by sammyanderson2009 on
I wish you all the best during this hard time.
- Sammy, Adult Acne Dermatologist