I am a non ADD spouse entering into our 19th year of marriage. We have had major communication difficulties right from the beginning, and LOTS of marriage counseling. We ended up separating in our 13th year. It was during this time that I came across a one page article entitled ‘Can your marriage be saved?’ The husband was ADHD. WOW! That article explained my husband to a T, (he’s ADD) and has also helped me understand what was holding back our son. My husband moved back home 3 years later, and we have both made a concentrated effort towards reconciliation.
Both boys have been taking Adderall, which has been extremely helpful. We are in the process of finding the proper anti-depressant medication for my husband. We started on Effexor, moved over to Welbutrin and have now added on Paroxetine. I have requested that he ask his doctor for a substitute for the Paroxetine, as this has caused erectile dysfunction.
I very much enjoy the sexual act, and the intimacy that it provides. My husband has always found it a waste of time, and puts it off until he absolutely has too. Previous to taking the Paroxetine, he may have balked at having to have sex, however he did get into it, and enjoyed it. Now, he finds it an extreme bother .
We are very opposite, I am highly emotional, and he is very logical. The early years have left a long line of disappointments, anger and resentment. I have made it a priority to find out all there is to know about ADD. I have worked very hard at trying to forgive, thank you Dr. Hallowell for that wonderful book on ‘Dare to Forgive’, and I am now reading ‘Real Love’ the truth about finding unconditional love and fulfilling relationships, by Greg Baer. Together, we created a flowchart (remember…very logical) showing that we are still very much apart, and are struggling to obtain some sort of intimacy. We plotted intimacy as respect, honesty, trust, and passion. If we can obtain the intimacy needed, it would then provide us with peace.
We have accomplished respect for one another. We are working hard, and moving forward on the honesty and trust. However, the passion is severely lacking. To him, love is love, and sex is sex. They are not intertwined. He equates love and intimacy with hugging and cuddling, which he is making an effort to provide. I equate love and intimacy to hugging, cuddling and at times the act of sex. It brings me to a deeper level of intimacy.
Being ADD has caused difficulty with commitment, as focus falls by the wayside. The act of sex is another commitment that he feels he has to fill, therefore he has difficulty. He would prefer that I find that portion of intimacy outside of our relationship.
This is very uncomfortable. I don’t think finding another gentleman to satisfy my desire for sex is a good idea. We already struggle with communication. Keeping secrets like this will definitely destroy the trust and honesty that we are trying to achieve. Love and sex are intertwined. I have tried explaining that having sex with another man could open the door to me finding intimacy with that man. There are some very deep consequences to this type of arrangement.
Please can you advise me on how to proceed? Thank you.