Isn't ADHD/ADD a major problem in a relationship?

I keep reading things like, it's not all the ADHD/ADD causing the problems in a marriage, which to a certain degree I get.  I get that my anger can influence how things go in a relationship but at that same time I have never been this angry in my life before.  Now I am not perfect, far from it but I have never had problems with someone like this in my whole life.  I am typically easy going and friendly.  Most of my relationships are good, except the one with my husband who has ADHD.  He seems to be the only one to think I am this cold, mean, criticizing person.  There is not one person that I know that feels this way about me, much less thinks this about me regularly.  How can I over come this person that my husband thinks I am, if it is a skewed perception?  How can you talk "reality" to someone who doesn't "see" "reality" for what it is?  I can over look many things that come with ADHD.  I have been doing nearly everything in our household since we moved together and it's not as if I expect it's going to change, magically or for good.  I do however expect that my husband believe me when I tell him his perception of what I feel or think is wrong and not verbally abuse me and our kids because he knows that I feel a certain way- which by the way is almost always negative and makes me sound like the coldest meanest person in the world. How can ADHD/BP/OCD not be the problem in my relationship?  How is it that I contribute to it by holding him responsible for his life?  I get angry because there is little effort on his part while I keep it all together?  I personally have spent many years in marriage therapy and the last person we saw actually said to him "what is the point if you don't follow through on any of our agreements" because we had been going for almost a year to no avail.  I did my part and followed through on my end but he didn't. I was mad, shouldn't I be?  I spent almost a year comprimising and making plans that only I followed- how typical, that I am the one doing all the "work" and my husband does nothing!?  I can only do so much as one person.  I as many others have tried to be understanding with our ADHD/ADD partners but where is our understanding?  Why do our partners get to "blame" us for not being understanding to their disorder but yet we as their spouses dare not blame this disorder on the demise of a marriage/relationship?  It sure seems like a double standard to me!  I have been more than willing to work on things, including my expectations but the truth is that still allows for me to be treated like a servant/doormat.  I am to not have too high of expectations but isn't it true that in marriage we all have expectations? I refuse to believe that I should just accept that my husband has ADHD and that he has no responsibilty in this.  Unfortunately, my husband along with many other ADD/ADHD spouses doesn't "get" that they have a choice in how they deal with their disorder.  This (I believe) is because again they don't "see" reality like most others.  They cannot "see" the harm in their ways.  I am asking him to "not be his self" is what he says to me much of the time.  Really?  I feel like I am not getting to be myself because I am someones doormat/servant.  I deserve a loving partner who can ever think of me and our kids.  I don't get to enjoy many aspects of life because of the problems my husband has.  I dreamed of a partner to spend my life with.  Someone to enjoy life and watch our kids grow up.  Not someone who if he shows up to family/kids event at all, is usually late and cares nothing about the responsiblities he leaves for me.  I can understand if you forget or are late but is there no remorse?  Why get mad at me? I didn't create his ADHD!  I am not the one responsible!    No matter what disorder or addiction a person has, they have a choice in how they deal with it but for many it seems they give in to the idea that they can't help their disorder and that everyone else is the problem i.e. "too high expectations".  I cannot speak for anyone else, but I can honestly say I have given up on the majority of my expectations and would be happy if my husband would just be nice (not rage on me), clean up after himself and not offer to do things he has no intention of doing.  Part of a marriage is dealing with things you didn't necessarily expect but for me I would have never married my husband or anyone else who acts like this. My husband withheld alot of the things  before we got married that he was experiencing and I did not see much of it until we were already living together.  At that point in time, I was a stay at home mom and didn't mind doing all the house work but when he decided to quit his union carpentry job I was forced to work and am now in nursing school because it is clear that I cannot count on him to support us financially.  I wouldn't have married this person and I feel tricked.  I know logically this is not the case but emotionally this is how it feels.  So I'm sorry if I feel that ADHD has been the downfall of my marriage but truthfully I have a very hard time seeing it any other way, am I crazy?  Am I the only one to feel like this?