Okay, so 4 weeks ago (about) my husband tells me that he is miserable and if counseling doesn't work - he is leaving me. 2 weeks ago, he wants to sell our house and buy a new one together. He thinks that working from home rather than the office is a great idea - then he is reminded of when he did do that how unhappy he was to not have contact with others everyday. He wants to build a storage shed (really its a full garage) to have a place to hang out and put his "stuff" - but won't build his daughter a playhouse - he has a 3 car garage already plus storage at his folks land (where he keeps the boat, camper and snowmobiles) - the list goes on and on. Here's the problem - I can never tell if it's him or the ADD that is driving his comments. So I find that I am always erring on the side of caution - which of course isn't popular with him. But honestly, if its a decision to be made on something big I never know if its the ADD and dreamer coming up with the ideas or something that would be really great for everyone. Honestly, I think we would be bankrupt if I didn't say no to everything (or most everything) that he brings up. He, like many other ADDers, has so many interests that come and go that I have finally gotten to the point of where I just say "no" until I can have time to think it over and even then I KNOW that its not a good idea. Does anyone else deal with this issue? How do you make it work?
Is it ADD or reality?
Submitted by lonelywife40 on 10/17/2010.
I feign interest in the
Submitted by getreel on
I feign interest in the latest brainstorm and go thru the steps with him regarding the specifics: ie How much time will it take, how much wood, how much money, when you gonna get this done, who's gonna do that while you are doing this.... then I tell him sounds interesting give me a day or 2 to wrap my brain around it... most of the time (if its the ADD brain) he's onto something else by then....
I feel your pain... it is so much work and exhausting but hang in there.
It is another part of the ADD
Submitted by SherriW13 on
It is another part of the ADD and something I have dealt with as well. We simply don't have the money now...and he has FINALLY learned to understand that and has stopped his 'dreaming' and has somewhat come back down to reality. It is true of us as well...he would have bankrupted us if he'd have had his way and spent all he wanted, brought all he wanted, etc. I honestly don't know how to tell you or suggest to you that you handle your situation, it took him losing his job and making only 50% of what he had previously made for him to stop spending and realize we were going to lose everything if he didn't. He knew he'd never stop on his own, so he gave me his debit card.
One thing I would like to caution you on...because I have been there and I understand...don't let the fear of him leaving guide your every decision in the marriage. You still exsist..and you still matter...and you are still part of the marriage. Without fail, when my husband would have me in a vulnerable position in the past he would ALWAYS push to get everything he wanted. One example was the Mustang he got once during one of his 'spells' where he pushed me away and told me he needed space. It IS a temporary fix for them...and if you can buy yourself some time, you can probably get him to 'forget' about the garage. I would suggest just telling him 'do what you feel is best' (which is what I tell my husband now when it comes to stuff that I KNOW is just his ADD), thinking it would never get done because it would be up to him to do it (typical ADD can't get anything going like that) but it is really ironic how they can get anything going if given the go ahead to SPEND MONEY. Ugh. I really do wish you luck...stand your ground.
Your right about not letting
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
Your right about not letting him scary me into letting him have whatever he wants - that's how we ended up with so many of the forgotten things in the garage.
He does seem to hyper focus when I say okay to buy "X" item and follows through on getting the item and then loses interest shortly there after.
I know that I have figured out that its a temporary fix for him that saying no is okay. But its really exhausting. And some things I would like (selling our house) but I know that all of the work to do would be on me the minute after the listing papers are signed.
Thanks for supporting me and saying that Im important too. Your posts are always so insightful.