Is it ADHD or just bad attitude

I have an ADHD partner who seethes with anger  when reminded about any mess. It doesn't matter if it is said nicely. She blows her top and accuses me of a lot of things that in the end everything is my fault. Sometimes she makes me feel like a monster by saying "ok, me and my son will just find a place tostay where we can leave without anyone dictating to us". I used to tell her that there is no need to be defensive because what we are trying to do, is normal. Keeping the house clean is a normal activity, it is not oppressive. She is very defensive about her son so I never ever ask him to do anything or reprimand him. The problem is, the mother does not either. There will be candy wrappers on the floor sitting there for five days and no one picks it up. I leave it there so they can notice it, but it stays there.