Just the worst day, ever. I am so despondent and tired and alone that I think I may be becoming clinically depressed. If anyone out there has some words for me, I would appreciate it so much.
I got mad at my husband this afternoon. And in this situation, he always, always, is able to be so self-righteous and incensed, and play the victim and make it all about me getting angry, that the reason that I did just does not matter and I am not allowed to talk about it, ever. He turns it on me and the entire discussion is about how horrible I am for getting angry and how he doesn't deserve it. We never, ever, can talk about him or his behavior or response to me or anything that he may do that is inappropriate, or negative, or affecting me in a difficult way. We have been following this pattern for so long, and I am so frustrated and sad, I just can't stand it anymore.
Let me say that I agree, of course. No one should get angry. No one deserves to have someone mad at them. I have been working very, very hard to be in control of the reactions I have to things. I am so much less angry than I used to be. Long story short, this afternoon, my husband decided he had to pick up my car, that was finished being repaired, five minutes before he was supposed to pick up me and my children, in his car, at work. He is always, always, always late. For everything. I got a little mad when he got there, because he frequently runs up to the very last minute and tries to fit in one more thing, when he should be leaving or moving. And he doesn't have a cell phone because his old one expired and he can't deal with getting a new one. So I stood there not knowing what was going on, or if he would be four hours late, and my building was locked and I was just stuck. And all I said was, "We have been standing out here for forty minutes!" And then it started. The excuses, the "I didn't KNOW it was going to take so long" (I didn't KNOW is a frequent phrase he uses), "I was doing you a FAVOR," "I do not DESERVE for you to be mad at me.." On and on. I wasn't THAT mad, just annoyed, but when he didn't even acknowledge me or the fact that the kids had been out there in the RAIN for forty minutes, it escalated, and he ended up getting out of the car on the side of the highway and trying to walk. Can I mention that our kids were in the car? I had to drive after him on a busy road and coax him back into the car. And even though he always gives me the "I don't deserve your anger" speech, he gets SO much more mad than I ever do. But this, according to him, is just him defending himself and the only way he can get me to stop (which is absolutely not true).
It is just so awful. I found myself, driving along the side of the road, the kids yelling, "Dad, get in the car," and I just wished a hole would swallow me up right there. I know it is not great to get mad, but I was just so hurt that he would let us stand out there for that long and not even apologize or anything. It is hard to explain, but it was just so hurtful, and then when he made it all about me being this horrible person because I was mad, it just killed me.
Same fight, over and over again, for years. I can't make him be on time. I can't make him think about the consequences when making a decision to try to do one more thing even though he is already almost late. I can't talk to him about all this--it is like pouring gasoline on a fire and I never, ever get the validation or response I am looking for. He never, ever sees things like this through my eyes. And what really kills me is that he would act that way in front of our children and then blame his behavior on me getting mad, and not even care how it must affect them for their father to get out of the car and make this big scene by walking home. Thanks for listening.