Is it anger or something else?

So, not quite sure how to start this, or what I want to ask or say, but maybe it will just materialize out of my thoughts... I am the non, DH is clearly trying. There are so many things that are happening that you would think would help, but then something happens and I go two steps back. I have made it abundantly clear that there are certain behaviors that will set us back, and DH has made huge strides in this area. I do appreciate it, and have even gone so far to say if you do this behavior, I don't want to know about it and if you do DECIDE to do it, then don't come near me. Well, two times this week, he has said "full disclosure-I bla bla bla'd". So, wth? Adhd, poor choice, or just don't care? We are in "this" place and this is supposed to "help" me when DH KNOWS this will not only be extremely upsetting for me, but will also push us two steps back! I am in the worst place possible for me, this is NOT the forum to discuss my feelings, frustration, my loneliness. I keep seeing people post how upset they are that all the non's complain and whine and how terrible it is for add/adhd to see the negative. I totally get that and if it was me with the problem, i would feel ten times worse reading all of the hostile comments. We had a terrible day, we had a terrible family gathering, a funeral, and the whole time I was there, I couldn't stop being angry. DH and I arrived separate. I chose that because I wanted to drop off kids before and make sure everyone was safe. DH said he would save a seat for me, he then texted me where he was seated and when I arrived, late, there wasn't enough room for me unless I squished in the pew... There are so many other things that could have been different, he could have moved to a row behind, or i could have been there on time, or i could have squished in, but I decided to sit two rows back and ponder the situation... Why text me if there isn't room? I did say, don't worry, I will find a seat after it begins if I'm late. It was just as much my fault, in fact, it was my fault because I didn't want to go. It's all his family. It's always his family. I have NO family here. Yes, he needed to be with his family. He needed to sit with his family, so why was I feeling mad? If it was my family, would I have been so thoughtless? No. I would have definitly found another seat. And then the biggest ahha moment was "I was at a funeral!". Thinking all about me!! All about how miserable I am. How awful I feel here (in this state) without any support from anyone. Without anyone to talk to, without any people that understand. I tried to say something to my sister the other day and she of course "wanted to tell me what HIS perspective might have been". Totally flippin useless. The simple fact is I don't care. I want it to stop. For the 1000th time, i want to say something 1 time. Something important, like above, and for it to actually MEAN something. My whole thought process is about me, me, me.... And i know this is wrong? Sigh, i just added to the whine. We each have read the book, DH has visited this site, my email has been opened, So posting here is possibly NOT anonymous for me. I have looked into the MLC that DF talks about and I don't see anything that describes the lost, soul crushing sadness, angy, bitterness that comes in waves. Again, i put me here. I will get myself out, but since I am not working, have no money, have no family close by, it may take me longer to find a way that lifts me up and supports me the way just knowing family is close by would help me feel. It is all up to me and I resent it sometimes. I am fighting for my independence and not depending on DH to "make or brake" me. It's soley my decision on how I want to proceed, I just haven't figured out how to figure it out yet.