I found this article on the net. I thought it might help both the ADHD and non-ADHD spouse when they are angry and trying to understand. There are some great points, yet they don't diminish the frustration on either side.
It can't be all about the ADHD!
“Bruce” (not his real name) was desperate for help: his wife had demanded he find a doctor to diagnose his ADHD … or else. He had emailed me for a recommendation, but I knew there was a lot more going on/wrong in his marriage than either of them realized.
“My wife is becoming less and less tolerant of what appears to be my ADHD symptoms. They are more noticeable since the births of my precious two-year-old and 8-month-old children. Sleep deprivation is probably contributing but right now there is a great strain on our marriage. My wife wants me to find better coping strategies and maybe ADHD medication, so things will improve.”
Red flag alert!
Relationships that thrive are based on mutual respect as well as love. When one partner “blames” the other’s ADHD for problems, the balance of power shifts to the non-ADHD partner. Because the ADHD partner tends to miss deadlines, show up late for dates, forget to change the oil and lose the tickets to the big ball game, the non-ADHD partner is forced to pick up the slack.
In the early days of their relationship, Bruce’s wife probably didn’t mind going back to the store for the eggs he had forgotten. But with two small children and a full time job, she needed Bruce to step up to the plate, take on more responsibility and act like an adult. She had become resentful and demanding, which unfortunately, increased Bruce’s ADHD symptoms.
ADHD brains are easily overwhelmed. Bruce, like his wife, is coping with the increased delights and demands of living with an infant and a toddler. He, too, is getting less sleep and his ADHD brain is, sadly, more distractible and less focused.
Stress increases ADHD symptoms. When his wife demands his participation, the extra stress can push him into complete inaction. This infuriates his beloved, beleaguered and bewildered wife. Why can’t he get it all together for the sake of their children, their marriage, for her?
Bruce loves his wife; he loves his children. If he had a magic wand that would transform him into the responsible adult his wife wants he wouldn’t hesitate to use it. Since magic wands are out of stock right now, his best alternative is an accurate diagnosis, treatment for his ADHD (medication, coaching, support groups, professional organizer) and immediate intervention for his relationship.
An ADHD diagnosis won’t save his marriage, despite his wife’s insistence. Bruce and his wife have established an elaborate pattern that makes Bruce the “bad guy” when something goes wrong. Until Bruce’s wife takes a look at her own part in their marriage woes, there’s little hope for longevity.
Bruce is now attending an ADHD support group. He has an appointment to see a psychologist who can assess ADHD. He talked to his wife about ADHD couple’s coaching but she declined. She said it was too expensive; but divorce costs far more, in real dollars and emotional fallout. She has also declined to join an ADHD support group, which is free. So money really isn’t the issue; she simply doesn’t want to deal with Bruce’s ADHD.
Bruce is pragmatic about the situation:
“The good thing about all of this is that it has steered me to learn more about myself and learn how I can better cope and interact with the world around me as far as ADHD goes. Although I’ve been getting by, I need to learn more about how others perceive me and how to handle it.”
With luck, Bruce and his wife will discover the truth about strong relationships: they aren’t created by pointing fingers at each other, they’re enriched by joining hands and remembering that the two people involved are on the same team – even when one of them has ADHD.
Thank you for sharing this.
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
Thank you for sharing this.
Wow.
Submitted by gobsmacked on
I'm sorry, but this is just crap. "But with two small children and a full time job, she needed Bruce to step up to the plate, take on more responsibility and act like an adult. She had become resentful and demanding, which unfortunately, increased Bruce’s ADHD symptoms."
So, the very fact that this woman needs help makes her the bad person? Is there any part of this "article" that acknowledges that "Bruce" needs to help in any way?
Instead, we get: "When his wife demands his participation, the extra stress can push him into complete inaction."
So...Bruce shouldn't be asked to do anything. Because that will make his ADHD worse. His wife should continue to do everything, but never be resentful, because that will make things worse. Ok...do everything, never get angry, don't make a fuss, he's really trying............and doing nothing.
I'm sorry, but I can't see how any woman could possibly accept this. It's unfair and inhumane. Why do we ever put up with this? Talk about a sucker bet.
No Kidding!
Submitted by suz23 on
I have to agree with the previous comment- What a load of horse hockey! This is the message that non-ADD spouses get all the time- "Just be patient, don't get angry, don't put too much pressure on him, realize that it's just different for him" Translation: "Stuff your own expectations and hopes for having a partner in your marriage who can consistenly hold up at least most of one half of your relationship. Expect that anytime you express frustration or question his actions (or usually, lack of them) you'll be yelled at, blamed for picking a fight, and being an overbearing nag." Of course she's resentful! When she married him, she thought he was a regular person with the same capabilities as anybody else- little did she know that she would find herself, in may ways, parenting not only her kids, but him too! This is exactly the kind of crap that brought many of us here- being blamed for the dysfunction in our marriages because we expect our ADD spouses to SHARE the burdens (and joys) of having a family. After years and years of saying "You're right- I will find a way to make it work. I'm sorry I said anything about you {losing your job again, forgetting to pay the bills, getting distracted in the middle of a household task and not completing it, impulsively yelling at the kids for hiding the glasses that are in your pocket, being late picking up the kids from school again, unexpectedly buying $2000 worth of computer equipment, scheduling a vacation without consulting me and then getting angry that my work conflicts when you don't have a job yourself...}. Next time I'll just keep it to myself." Going through this process for years takes energy, and when you're an the spouse of an ADD'er, there's pretty much nowhere to fill your tank, except for places like this forum. I understand why you shared this, but this is another case of placing the blame for problems in an ADD-riddled marriage squarely on the non-ADD spouse and exonerating the ADD spouse of all responsibility; it's true that dealing with them may be harder for him, but he can step up and take responsibility for his own behavior to bring as much as he can to the table. The part that's right in the piece is the partnership aspect, but remember that partners walk hand-in-hand rather than one riding on the other's shoulders while the other staggers under the weight.
Maybe So But
Submitted by i'm_more_then_ADHD on
In reading many things on this forum I understand how much anger and hate the non-ADD spouse has towards the ADD spouse. I'll be told I don't get it or this is just my ADD talking but some folks need to hear that some of us do get it, some of us do understand, we are not 100% defined by this disease. At times I wish I was a cocaine addict, alcoholic, or even a person who stepped out on their marriage as it seems the willingness to work on the problem together is greater then an ADHD spouse will get.
What I don't agree with is how the non-ADD spouse can all of a sudden justify the ADD spouse as a complete idiot, loser, and waste of a human being because of something they were not able to control. It is true the ADD spouse can cause major issues of resentment, hurt, anger. And it is also true that there are two people in a relationship, there are two sides to every story. It is a proven fact the way a non-ADD spouse reacts to the unknown disease in the ADD-spouse can magnify and cause the issues to get much worse.
It is important to understand there are many levels of intensity of ADD, I believe each of you are reading into this what you want to read into, yes I do that as well. Clearly Bruce is working on his issues, doing the things to get help but his non-ADD spouse has given up. If a man walked away from his family then all hell would break lose and society would hang him from the nearest tree. Because Bruce now knows the problem does that mean his wife MUST come running back into his arms and assume everything will be perfect? HELL NO! It means he has a disease and if he is committed, truly committed to working on it then maybe his wife should be involved on some level? Two rights don't make a wrong! Maybe she should go to counseling on her own and find out if she has issues that made things worse for her and him? Does she have any disorders or mental disease that needs to be worked on. Or is she using the ADD diagnosis as "IT IS HIM" there is nothing wrong with me! Just as the ADD spouse must take action so must the non ADD spouse if they want to find themselves, I don't believe after living with a ADD spouse for as many years as some on this forum have, where they have built up enough anger to even consider suicide, can they "fix themselves" or even find themselves. Yet for some reason the non-ADD spouse is almost celebrated for walking away! GO GET HELP! Where are the comments about taking maybe 10% of the responsibility to work on the relationship, why can't the non-ADD spouse take any blame? What did I do that may have caused the ADHD to intensify? So I had I married John instead of Bob then my life would have been perfect, I would have lived in a big house with $1,000,000 in my savings account? Really, two people don't get to a place in life without both of them having some impact on getting to where it is. The non-ADD spouse in most cases is not a helpless spouse locked in a closet and not allowed to make a single decision, in some cases this may be true. If so that is sad and disturbing and I suspect ADD is not the only thing going on for the "ADD-Spouse."
In no way was the intent of this story to deflect blame or responsibility away from the ADD of Bruce. I see way to many comments on here where the spouse can now justify how they can leave a long relationship and their family to decide to do NOTHING instead of working with the ADD spouse who is willing to go to counseling, change behavior, take meds, etc. It seems with everyone here they want to come up with a ADHD blood test to administer to a potential boyfriend/spouse and if they test positive then they should just go ahead and euthanize this person because they are incapable of change and have no ability to care for someone close to them. Frankly, I'm tired of reading it, I know it helps to find a place to vent, but don't forget the diagnosis if accepted is a life changing event for the ADD person as well. The ADD spouse can never find a place, and becomes a ship without a port. If they do nothing then they are worthless, if they work on their problem then they are only doing it because it is a temporary focus and they can never change.
It seems everyone wants to forget how the Dr.'s of this great place worked together to overcome the ADD in their relationship.
Take the time to go to a professional, I know I have. They will tell you that both parties in the relationship MUST accept bad behavior and work on new behaviors that they have both developed.
So throw the baby out with the bath water if you must, at least the baby will be clean!
How is it my fault?
Submitted by Sueann on
My husband had had a job with fabulous benefits for 6 months. He had taken advantage of those benefits for himself. I had unaddressed medical needs that I was trying to take care of. When we'd only been married 6 weeks he started hanging up on customers and got fired. Then it took him 3 years and 3 different meds to be willing to work again. How in the world do you think I caused that???!!! How am I responsible for it. Why do I have to fix it???
Missing My Point
Submitted by i'm_more_then_ADHD on
I'm not saying it is your fault. Some ADD spouses are worse then others.
When both spouses are wiling to work and accept what is going on then somehow fault and blame can be removed. Honestly I can't answer your question. This I do know, if I had to rely on my spouse for a life saving medication and they wouldn't do it I would figure something else out. I'd forget about blame and help myself, there are many many options including church, family, welfare, charity, whatever. If he won't do it and more importantly if he is unwilling then leave him!
He is unwilling to leave him???
Submitted by Sueann on
I'm a woman, and I'm married to a man. I don't understand your point.
I tried all the things you mentioned. To get charity help, I would have had to take 2 days off work (no vacation or sick pay at either of my jobs). If I'd done that, we would not have made rent and we'd have been evicted. I tried and tried and that's all there was. And they might have given me generic hypertension meds, but they had no provisions for addressing some of my other problems. That simply doesn't exist. I still can't get it, even though my husband and I are now insured, because we can't afford the $4500 deductible. Medical care in this country sucks unless you are rich, old enough for Medicare or poor enough for Medicaid.
I took my wedding vows seriously. I thought in the "for better or for worse" this surely was worse. In no way did I cause his ADD, I figured it out and finally found him treatment for it. The public mental-health providers in our state are forbidden by law from treating adult ADD because of the possibility of abuse of the drugs.
I don't expect my husband to make accomodations for the fact that for me, walking is very painful. I work, and am planning to work until I turn 76. I just don't understand why I'm supposed to turn my life inside out to accomodate him but not expect him to do anything to accomodate me.
you have many good points
Submitted by brendab on
Just as the ADD spouse must take action so must the non ADD spouse if they want to find themselves, I don't believe after living with a ADD spouse for as many years as some on this forum have, where they have built up enough anger to even consider suicide, can they "fix themselves" or even find themselves.
I'm_more_than_ADHD,
As I read your post I hear complete frustration and I can understand why. nonADHD people tend to blame and shame their spouses because the consequences of living with the behavior is more than most can tolerate. (they feel justified to complain and I understand that too. They are taking terrible consequences for nontreated ADD.)
I think it is true that the many nonADHD have built up so much resentment they are paralyzed with fear about what to do. (I experienced this type of thing with an ex nonadhd husband so I can totally relate to your conclusion that you don't believe the nonADHD can fix themselves when they have built up so much resentment). I believe you are right, their hope is to surrender their current way of thinking and to get outside counseling to help them think differently.
Until they do this, they are stuck in a nonending feeling that they cannot change their lives. It is ironic that both the ADDer and the nonADDer have emotions running so rampant that they both feel powerless to do anything about their lives.
Your advice to see a professional is what changed my life. I am nonadhd but I was totally stuck in feeling powerless. It is a lie we tell ourselves and I think that those who leave their ADDer partners are trying to get their power back by leaving because they have totally lost faith there is any other way.
For those of you who are stuck, make a list of the things that you believe are keeping you defeated. then take some time to consider Plan B, C, D, E.... Then continue looking at these plans and choose the best one for yourself. Then create an action plan to guarantee this plan will be fulfilled. get some help from others including professionals. It will change your life and you will have peace again.
brenda
Take care of yourself
Submitted by i'm_more_then_ADHD on
I think like others you are missing my point, not every single ADD case is the same. There are those on here that are reading that do take it that way.
I have a simple question?
Your husband gets hit by a bus tomorrow and is gone. Let's assume he has no life insurance? What are you going to do to take care of yourself? Where there is a will there is a way.
Only you can give up your power to take care of yourself, I don't know the answer but I can promise you there is one. Just because you take ownership of yourself also does not mean you have to leave him or throw him to the curb. Sorry but don't make excuses on why you can't do something, find a reason to do it. Go to your landlord and tell them you need help by reducing your rent in half for one month and you will pay that half out over 6 months along with your normal rent. Then take the half of your rent payment and go buy the drugs you need, don't ask anyone else to do it, you do it. I don't know if that is the answer but I can promise you there is one. I can promise you if you were involved in a local church there would be someone to help you. I'm by no means the Christian I should be but take it to God and ask for his help!
Churches only help their own
Submitted by Sueann on
I am not a member of a church, although my husband is. I am also not a hypocrite and do not ask for help from churches. The one time I was told to seek help from a church (single mom requiring one night of adult help after surgery) I was told it was only provided to their own members. Many churches told me this. I finally found a doctor who would keep me in the hospital for the night.
This problem is solved anyway. I just find ADD to be such a selfish disease. The fact that my husband would rather I died than that he would have to go back to work created a wound that may never heal. I gave up the power to take care of myself by the act of marrying him. I gave up my alimony and the right to get my ex-husband's social security. And my new husband decided it would be better for me to die than for him to continue working within 6 weeks.
why is this so
Submitted by brendab on
Sueann,
I gave up the power to take care of myself by the act of marrying him. I gave up my alimony and the right to get my ex-husband's social security.
Sometimes I made decisions I later regretted, but I also made new decisions that were good for me. I discovered that looking back is counter productive and mulling over my mistakes was draining me. I can't change the past so I chose to leave it there and look to the future.
What would happen if you started to give yourself affirmations? What about all the good decisions you made in your life. How about the great future you can have? Our thinking determines our future. Give it a try and see what happens.
One suggestion I have is to create a board of dreams. I used post-its and poster board to make a chart of my ideal life. I included money, relationships, career, home, daily life activity, etc First thing in the morning and last thing at night I would read each post-it aloud and think how wonderful it would be to see that post-it dream fulfilled. it created within me hope and I began to creatively think of ways I could make those dreams come true. it really works and I'd encourage you to give it a try.
Brenda
wonderful question we should all ask ourselves
Submitted by brendab on
I have a simple question?
Your husband gets hit by a bus tomorrow and is gone. Let's assume he has no life insurance? What are you going to do to take care of yourself?
I don't want to be flippant but I had to chuckle when I read this. It is so absolutely true and this is the type of thinking nonadd people need to claim. Take your power back so you no longer believe you are helpless and at the mercy of ADD.
I look forward to your next post.
Brenda
Not in my world
Submitted by i'm_more_then_ADHD on
I'm sorry but not in my world, I feel for you I really do.
One church might say they only help members, but I can promise you all of the orphans, homeless, and people all over this world that get help are not members of a church. I hate to say this but quit blaming him for everything and help yourself. Obviously he is not going to do it.
I live in the "Bible Belt"
Submitted by Sueann on
I must have called about 20 churches. All told me they only provide what I needed, which was a responsible adult to spend the night after surgery with me, for their members. The doctor would not do the surgery without me having that. I was panicked, as my divorce was proceeding and I was about to lose my (first) husband's insurance. My family is not around here, he had moved us here for his job and then left, so I didn't even have any friends here.
A co-worker was secretary of a Unitarian church in the area. She said, with women all working now, they had had to hire an agency to provide this sort of need, but only for their members.
I know churches provide many needs for people far away, but there are needs close by that are never addressed.
This was many years ago. I had meet my current husband, actually, but we were not involved.
I am providing for my needs. I always worked, it's just that my job didn't offer insurance. No job in that industry does. I am going to get a paralegal degree in December. Then I'll probably have my own insurance and make more money than my husband. :) But right now, my student status makes it impossible to make enough to support mysself. The great pain in my life is that he didn't care enough about me to work, even though he knew my life depended on it.