Since I have gotten great advice from here before, I hope that someone will also comment on this. This is partially a continuation of the topic about my boyfriend playing a martyr. I had some time to think and observe and would like to hear your feedback on some additional problems.
The more I am together with my boyfriend, the more it seems to me that he is not fully committed. It is this weird combination of being caring and not really fully present in the relationship. What do I mean by this?
Well, for instance we are taking a trip with our friends and my boyfriend misses his flight (we did not take the same flight). He lets our friend (organizer) know about his delay, but he never contacts me. He is surprised when I then feel hurt that he never considered it necessary to talk to me personally. His opinion was that, I will find out anyways from our friend.
He goes to work trip (for one month). I have to convince him to talk to me on skype. He lets me know how meeting at an exact time is a drag for him and how he would like to do this once a week or once in two weeks. He calls me needy when I want to meet more often.
He goes to the store and when I ask him to bring something for me- he protest that, he needs to go to the store all the time (he does not). I start negotiating with him to get my stuff from the store.
We are talking about the future and my partner keeps giving me unclear answers as to when and where he wants to have a family. He has his conditions (interesting job, good salary, social network) which are currently not all fulfilled. He says that before those things are fulfilled, he is not willing to have kids. However, he is not doing anything to change the situation and it seems to me as if he is expecting me to make a change for him and somehow grant him all these benefits, because it is my interest to have children.
Does this behavior have something to do with adhd? What can I do, I assume it is not normal behavior? I am so confused because he really occilates between being super-caring and then making a big scene about something which I want. One other example- the other day I was feeling sad about something and then I told my boyfriend about a personal weakness that I have and which I have to address. I in the end asked him for some comforting and my boyfriend got angry, because I am violating his borders (his words). His translation of the situation was- I messed up and then I need someone else to take care of my feelings. I do not understand if these things are really over the top. These are the similar kind of things which, when my boyfriend does those, he considers to be big favors. So I am a little bit confused here.
From my perspective it seems that he makes a big deal out of things, that one would do anyways in the relationship. For instance I ask him every time I go to the store if I should bring him something (usually he says no, which later gives him in his eyes a chance to say that I never bring him something). The same thing about listening- I listen to him, but I sometimes tend to overreact- in situations where he tells me how he has no money at the end of the month to pay rent for instance. Whenever he complains about having to listen to me- he tells me that he does not even dare to say things to me, because I am so judgemental- so again I am taking advantage of him.
The bottom line, I am feeling less and less eager to ask him about anything at all, because I feel he either tells me how this is a big favor or he tells me how my request is violating his borders.
Thank you in advance for responding!