My Husband and I have been together 5 years and married for 3. We have one son and a baby on the way. I am the breadwinner in the family as I have my masters degree and all the attempts my husband has made to go to college have ended because he needed me to monitor and support him in his classes too much - I often ended up finishing the classes for him - online classes. He works in telecommunications and is pretty good at it and this year we moved to Alaska and he started a new position and decided he needed meds to help him with focus. He is on meds for the first time in over 15 years. I should mention in addition to ADHD he suffers from OCD, tourettes syndrome, and social anxiety. He works the mid shift, 4 to midnight and that means he cannot handle anything else in his life. He can't put dishes in the sink, pick up his socks, pants, clothing, he never eats meal left overs and goes out to eat for nearly every meal - he also can't handle making sandwiches as he never leaves himself enough time and asks me to do it. He says his meds keep him from falling asleep before 5 am and he often sleeps on the couch - ok actually always sleeps on the couch because he can't fall asleep next to me due to the fear of waking me apparently keeps him lying awake. On his days off he is obsessed with cleaning his car, buying new parts to spoof up his car, and when the weather gets nicer he wants to race his car on a track (not against other cars) which is the reason I think last year he needed a new clutch. This is one of our only two cars and the only reliable car (my car is a 2003 with 150k miles on it). Prior to meeting my husband I was in the process of buying my own home (my credit was established and amazing) and our union became a financial nightmare - we enable each other to spend lots of money on credit cards that we have yet to pay on. We cannot qualify for a car loan, a home loan, we cannot even get a credit card right now. We are making more money than we ever have and I am working at a job that makes me happier than I ever have. He wants to buy so many things that we "need" and I feel like the nagging mom. I have to start paying on my student loans next year, we are having another baby, and I want to start paying off our debt. I want to make sacrifices so we can get ahead and he just wants an allowance that is super large so he can buy performance parts for his car, new tablets, new phones (new smart phone every 6 mos), blueray DVD players, and my son apparently never has enough outfits (3 pairs of boots this year, 3 snowsuits - very excessive). He needs a shopvac for his car, ramps to drive his car up on, a small vacuum, special buffing cream the list never ends. Meanwhile I never get my hair done (he tells me I should), and make sacrifices to pay our bills and still allow him the spending money he needs to be happy and not angry. When we don't have money he makes me miserable and is really unhappy and often with his impulsive spending we live paycheck to paycheck even though I am making more money than I ever have. He makes about 60% what I do and I am getting to the point where I want to get separate bank accounts - although when I mentioned it he said we might as well get divorced so it is a sore subject.
I told him I wanted to start setting aside 800 dollars a month to pay off past debt, have security if a car breaks down, and to start saving for a house and he flat out told me no. He says we didn't sacrifice to move to Alaska so that we would live poorly. He said we deserve to spend and enjoy our money. We are heading to the lower 48 in March for his sister's wedding and he informed me (2400 for those tickets) that he needs a tablet for the trip (he had a 400 dollar tablet he decided to give to him mom for christmas swearing he wouldn't need another one). He also informed me he would need lots of spending money to have fun while we are there and he plans to buy a bunch of things for my nephews (no birthdays) which don't get me started he insists on spending 100s for their birthdays and christmas.
When we argue he somehow always turns it around so I apologize and he always wins. He also thinks I don't consider his disabilities enough and recently accused me of needing to get help for my focusing issues - I hd to promise to bring it up with the doctor. I have to pay bills, clean the house, pick up after him (house stays cleaner when he is at work), I take care of all the grown up stuff and the garbage would never make it to the curb if I didn't remind him.
Lately I have been comparing my marriage to other couples our age. I can't help but feel like the spouses of my girlfriends seem to take care of the family more. I get jealous and feel like I want that. I want dinner made for me every once in a while and more co-parenting. He didn't pick up the slack with my last pregnancy and I really didn't get a lot of sympathy or extra care from him - he doesn't stop me from carrying too many groceries that kind of thing - I guess he thinks I am being over cautious when I ask him to lift our 3 year old into his bed when he is sleeping or into the carseat. He also won't do poopy diapers - because I do them better - he won't do them in public period because of his anxiety.
I love him and I love having him in my life but I feel so angry and resentful towards him and in the last two years I have fantasized about leaving him every few months (then I get over it - which I am sure I will this time) and how clean my home would be and how wonderfully structured our son's life would be - he things structure is over-rated and often trumps me by giving him drinks late at night (and he pees the bed) or says he can stay up later etc. and his whole routine is off for a few days and almost always his teacher and daycare mention something was off - our son needs routine and structure.
I have been reading these forums and I am trying to be patient with my husband as he tries to tweek his meds and I am trying to see the progress. But I wonder is my marriage ok? I always envy what others seem to have - a partner- I feel like I take care of my husband- I want to be taken care of sometimes - I sometimes hate him and think he is emotionally abusive - which he doesn't see at all and I sound like a blubbering idiot in every discussion/argument we have. I have tried emailing him and he doesn't have time for couples therapy with his schedule and he is trying to see someone about his own issues. We always have the same arguments and have spoken about divorce twice in the last year. Last month I really truly believed we were in a better place than we have ever been - and then I brought up saving money and he was repulsed by it. I hate him when he asks to spend money period...I cringe when he asks to buy something because one of two things happen - one I say no and I am the evil bitch and he mopes for days and then I cave so I can see him smile or two I say yes just so I can be the good guy and he will be happy.
I want to plan for the future and he will never want to - will he? I want a family for my children and I do love him and I know on some levels he is a good dad but I feel like he brings out the negative in me - not sure how to move forward...
Just now he decided to walk out of his job and take an early weekend because his coworkers unfairly are making him do all the work on superbowl sunday - which sucks - but he can't just walk out he might get fired! He has a baby on the way - he said if he gets fired that would be great because he could collect unemployment. We can't afford for him to lose his job right now - very frustrated.