Is it healthy to resent your spouse so often?

My Husband and I have been together 5 years and married for 3.  We have one son and a baby on the way.  I am the breadwinner in the family as I have my masters degree and all the attempts  my husband has made to go to college have ended because he needed me to monitor and support him in his classes too much - I often ended up finishing the classes for him - online classes.  He works in telecommunications and is pretty good at it and this year we moved to Alaska and he started a new position and decided he needed meds to help him with focus.  He is on meds for the first time in over 15 years.  I should mention in addition to ADHD he suffers from OCD, tourettes syndrome, and social anxiety.  He works the mid shift, 4 to midnight and that means he cannot handle anything else in his life.  He can't put dishes in the sink, pick up his socks, pants, clothing, he never eats meal left overs and goes out to eat for nearly every meal - he also can't handle making sandwiches as he never leaves himself enough time and asks me to do it.  He says his meds keep him from falling asleep before 5 am and he often sleeps on the couch - ok actually always sleeps on the couch because he can't fall asleep next to me due to the fear of waking me apparently keeps him lying awake.  On his days off he is obsessed with cleaning his car, buying new parts to spoof up his car, and when the weather gets nicer he wants to race his car on a track (not against other cars) which is the reason I think last year he needed a new clutch.  This is one of our only two cars and the only reliable car (my car is a 2003 with 150k  miles on it).  Prior to meeting my husband I was in the process of buying my own home (my credit was established and amazing) and our union became a financial nightmare - we enable each other to spend lots of money on credit cards that we have yet to pay on.  We cannot qualify for a car loan, a home loan, we cannot even get a credit card right now.  We are making more money than we ever have and I am working at a job that makes me happier than I ever have.  He wants to buy so many things that we "need" and I feel like the nagging mom.  I have to start paying on my student loans next year, we are having another baby, and I want to start paying off our debt.  I want to make sacrifices so we can get ahead and he just wants an allowance that is super large so he can buy performance parts for his car, new tablets, new phones (new smart phone every 6 mos), blueray DVD players, and my son apparently never has enough outfits (3 pairs of boots this year, 3 snowsuits - very excessive).  He needs a shopvac for his car, ramps to drive his car up on, a small vacuum, special buffing cream the list never ends.  Meanwhile I never get my hair done (he tells me I should), and make sacrifices to pay our bills and still allow him the spending money he needs to be happy and not angry.  When we don't have money he makes me miserable and is really unhappy and often with his impulsive spending we live paycheck to paycheck even though I am making more money than I ever have.  He makes about 60% what I do and I am getting to the point where I want to get separate bank accounts - although when I mentioned it he said we might as well get divorced so it is a sore subject. 

I told him I wanted to start setting aside 800 dollars a month to pay off past debt, have security if a car breaks down, and to start saving for a house and he flat out told me no.  He says we didn't sacrifice to move to Alaska so that we would live poorly.  He said we deserve to spend and enjoy our money.  We are heading to the lower 48 in March for his sister's wedding and he informed me (2400 for those tickets) that he needs a tablet for the trip (he had a 400 dollar tablet he decided to give to him mom for christmas swearing he wouldn't need another one).  He also informed me he would need lots of spending money to have fun while we are there and he plans to buy a bunch of things for my nephews (no birthdays) which don't get me started he insists on spending 100s for their birthdays and christmas. 

When we argue he somehow always turns it around so I apologize and he always wins.  He also thinks I don't consider his disabilities enough and recently accused me of needing to get help for my focusing issues - I hd to promise to bring it up with the doctor.  I have to pay bills, clean the house, pick up after him (house stays cleaner when he is at work), I take care of all the grown up stuff and the garbage would never make it to the curb if I didn't remind him.

Lately I have been comparing my marriage to other couples our age.  I can't help but feel like the spouses of my girlfriends seem to take care of the family more.  I get jealous and feel like I want that.  I want dinner made for me every once in a while and more co-parenting.  He didn't pick up the slack with my last pregnancy and I really didn't get a lot of sympathy or extra care from him - he doesn't stop me from carrying too many groceries that kind of thing - I guess he thinks I am being over cautious when I ask him to lift our 3 year old into his bed when he is sleeping or into the carseat.  He also won't do poopy diapers - because I do them better - he won't do them in public period because of his anxiety. 

I love him and I love having him in my life but I feel so angry and resentful towards him and in the last two years I have fantasized about leaving him every few months (then I get over it - which I am sure I will this time) and how clean my home would be and how wonderfully structured our son's life would be - he things structure is over-rated and often trumps me by giving him drinks late at night (and he pees the bed) or says he can stay up later etc. and his whole routine is off for a few days and almost always his teacher and daycare mention something was off - our son needs routine and structure. 

I have been reading these forums and I am trying to be patient with my husband as he tries to tweek his meds and I am trying to see the progress.  But I wonder is my marriage ok?  I always envy what others seem to have - a partner- I feel like I take care of my husband- I want to be taken care of sometimes - I sometimes hate him and think he is emotionally abusive - which he doesn't see at all and I sound like a blubbering idiot in every discussion/argument we have.  I have tried emailing him and he doesn't have time for couples therapy with his schedule and he is trying to see someone about his own issues.  We always have the same arguments and have spoken about divorce twice in the last year.  Last month I really truly believed we were in a better place than we have ever been - and then I brought up saving money and he was repulsed by it.  I hate him when he asks to spend money period...I cringe when he asks to buy something because one of two things happen - one I say no and I am the evil bitch and he mopes for days and then I cave so I can see him smile or two I say yes just so I can be the good guy and he will be happy. 

I want to plan for the future and he will never want to - will he?  I want a family for my children and I do love him and I know on some levels he is a good dad but I feel like he brings out the negative in me - not sure how to move forward...

Just now he decided to walk out of his job and take an early weekend because his coworkers unfairly are making him do all the work on superbowl sunday - which sucks - but he can't just walk out he might get fired!  He has a baby on the way - he said if he gets fired that would be great because he could collect unemployment.  We can't afford for him to lose his job right now - very frustrated.

My dear, you have my

My dear, you have my sympathy.  To answer the question in your subject line:  no, I don't think it's healthy for the marriage, but I also think it's understandable and, dare I say, inevitable in your situation for you to be resentful.  It might be helpful to separate out the ADHD and other "disability" issues from the practical, day-to-day problems.  The money, for example:  lots of people have money problems in their marriages, and they either decide to work on them or not work on them.  You are allowed to make finances an issue even if your husband's spending personality is related to one or more of his disabilities. 

In my own marriage, I am working on deciding what I can put up with and what I can't put up with.  I can put up with my husband's lack of stable employment; I can't anymore put up with the fact that he won't look for a better job.  So, now I have to decide what I"m going to do in response, cuz I sure can't make him do anything (not that I haven't tried...).  I encourage you to do this, also.  Decide where your line in the sand is, let your husband know, and proceed from there.

But you have to ask yourself

But you have to ask yourself a very tough question...how can you resent him for something you are enabling? (the money/spending). This seems to be, due to your larger income, something you could control if you really wanted to badly enough. Just like with any relationship, giving until we are miserable makes the relationship toxic. If you feel that you could resolve the issue (at least decrease your level of resentment) by having separate accounts, then do so. He threatens you and says nasty things ("we may as well be divorced!!") because he most likely knows that if your funds are cut off from him, then he is going to have to give up 'the good life' he's got going on. 

I have fought with my DH, resented him to infinity and beyond, threatened separate accounts, etc...for at least TEN LONG YEARS. I cannot control many aspects of his ADHD (my husband is untreated) but I CAN control the finances to a certain degree and therefore it is stupid of me not to. He isn't capable (for whatever reason) of understanding and/or changing his impulse control issues and how they affect his spending...and subsequently or finances...so the ONLY OTHER OPTION is for me to control the money. It isn't easy, I have to often brace myself for the verbal lashings, accusations of trying to 'control' him, etc...but who gives a shit? They are few and far between, he has finally started to accept that it has to be this way because, if left to his own devices, he will continue to cause me stress and pain over his inability to 'get on board' with me financially (won't discuss money, won't look at our bills, won't help pay them, won't consider any approach I take to help us get out of debt)...and I'm just simply not willing to put myself through it anymore. If he gets mad, threatens, slings hateful words...so be it. You have to stop seeing yourself as a victim of this...and see yourself as someone who has the answers to this one particular issue but just simply needs to courage to make a decision (that is best for your family) and stick to it. I know my DH did not want to hurt me, I know he did not want to cause me stress...but his ADHD kept getting in the way...so I put up road blocks that protected all of us and let the chips fall where they may. (I don't work, he does...I took his debit card and closely monitor his spending...otherwise we would LITERALLY be homeless) 

I am not telling you what to do...I am just saying since it seems like such an issue and you seem to have the financial means to take care of things if he bucks up on you...then why continue to let this be an issue? There seems to be other things that you cannot control to deal with, why let this one add to the pile when you CAN control it? 

I have decided I am telling

I have decided I am telling my husband I want a separation today.  I can't do this anymore - I can't try to make myself believe he loves me and I love him.  We got in a stupid fight.  This morning is my day off and I was really looking forward to sleeping in - I never do - on my weekends I get up with our son - on his weekends our son goes to daycare. He always gets enough sleep unless he stays up all night or has insomnia.  So our son comes in this morning and I assume my husband is getting up with him as per usual as it is the only time my husband sees our son during the day.  And I remind him to put clean pants in our son's backpack and he says,"I am not getting up with him...I was up all night sick,"  so I get up saying, "ya know I was really looking forward to sleeping in today but I never get to sleep in - if I stay home sick or have a snow day or a day off I have to get up with our son - we always make sure you get enough sleep - but I am not allowed to sleep in," and I got up.  Then he comes out into the living room about 30 minutes later.  He talks only to our son saying nothing to me.  I say in a nice voice (I am even trying to make it nice),"I am sorry you didn't get enough sleep last night I just want you to understand the way I feel, if the tables were turned you would want to sleep in every once and a while too."  He doesn't speak to me.  So I keep getting our son ready and I say, "is it so hard for you to say you understand what I am saying,"  and he replies,"I did not come out here to talk to you I came out here to spend time with our son."  Then he goes on to say," if you had been up sick all night I would never say things like this to you (keep in mind on monday he told me he thinks I am faking being sick 50% of the time)."  I told him I think we need marriage counseling and he replied in the most evil sarcastic tone, "yea we need marriage counseling."

He is just so mean and hateful - I really don't care who was wrong and right in this argument anymore and honestly I am sick of that being the point - I would rather be alone then continue this uphill battle that always amounts to who is right and who is wrong.  He hasn't been feeling well and either have I and I have been really sympathetic to that - I texted him last night that I had a sore throat and he didn't say anything to that.  I just don't want to be in a loveless marriage anymore.  I still can't let it go that he told me that he wasn't crying with joy when he saw me come down the isle - he was overcome with severe panic and anxiety and everyone mistook it for joy and tears.  How can he say that even if it is true, why take that away from me?  The thing is I don't know how to move forward now.  My serious side says I should get an apartment.  Let him stay in the house with the dogs so he has his precious garage where he spends all his free time with his car and I can drop our son off in the mornings so he can still see him off on the bus and we can maintain a normal schedule of some sorts.  My husband gets our son on his days off on Monday and Tue nights and in the mornings before school.  Some how we make the finances work.  I don't know if I let him sleep or shove him awake right now to tell him all this.  I had this whole day planned of shopping for a wedding dress for my sister in law's wedding and getting my hair done and now I just want to lay in a heap and cry.

He has his good moments but every argument is ugly and he gets so mean and I really feel like he is mentally abusive.  He brings out this horrible stubbornness in me and I know I am at the root of these arguments too but I just don't feel like happy or even somewhat balanced partnerships should feel like this.  I know no one has the perfect marriage or relationship but I just can't see that this is how it should feel.  I feel like alone might be easier than this -

I am so sorry to hear that

I am so sorry to hear that things aren't improving. It cannot help matters that you are pregnant and having to take care of a small child and work full time too. I know that you probably already know that fighting over 'stuff' like this is just a symptom of a much larger issue. Like you said, marriage isn't about being 'right' it is about behaving in a way that lets the other person know you love them and care about them.

I hope whatever you decide, you bring some peace to yourself and your home. We are here if you need us!

Good luck to you. I could

Good luck to you. I could just feel the pain in your post. ADHD is one thing, but abuse is another. Take care of yourself and your children. If he loves you, he'll do what he needs to do to change. If he won't change, good riddance! 

I just came home to grab

I just came home to grab something and make sure he was awake for work. He was yelling at me saying thanks toe he only got three hours of sleep and he kept dreaming of people mistreating him and I was one of them. I told him maybe it would be best for us to separate and he screamed in agreement that he is sick of my abuse, he said he will never speak to me again unless I apologize for what I have done to him. He was screaming and shaking and spitting so I backed away and he yelled stop backing away from me like you are scared so I left, I don't know what to do I think he's going to be really mean

I understand

Hi Kimberli,

I just joined the forum and saw your post. I am so sorry and wanted to let you know someone cares. This is very hard stuff. I am praying to God to take care of you and your son and future baby. And your husband. I hope somehow you all get help and it gets better. Just know that someone is here and cares. My husband has untreated ADHD also and has agreed to be evaluated, but things are escalating at home this week. I am trying to find a counselor to help. Diane

Just a thought, has his anger

Just a thought, has his anger increased since he began his medication? Could the two be related? No matter what is going on, you need to take care of yourself. This kind of stress is not good for anyone, especially a pregnant woman! I'd give you a hug if I could!

He has had anger issues since

He has had anger issues since he was a teenager.  He has thrown and broken a few things through the course of our relationship but never become violent.  I am kind of at a loss right now, he is at work and I feel like he is going to be ugly with me.  Do I apologize?  That is what he wants and then he will be easier to communicate with.  I kind of feel like avoiding him for the next few days which is really possible with his sleep schedule and work schedule...

Thanks for your words!  I

Thanks for your words!  I have a friend coming over tonight...I am all cried out I think

so he texted me that he is

so he texted me that he is getting a hotel tonight as he will be too tired to drive home from work...80 dollar hotel...

Let him go to the hotel! It

Let him go to the hotel! It sounds like he needs anger management. Women are more likely to be physically abused and even killed by their significant other when they are pregnant. Many of these women were not physically abused even once before their pregnancy. Err on the side of caution. Stay safe. No man (or woman!) is worth living in fear.

resentment

Hi Kimber

There are a couple of things that concern me in your post. First, most of it is about money...and then emotional abuse makes a brief appearance? Then it's back to money. I agree that money is a big issue...but spending habits can change, whereas an abuser almost certainly cannot. If you're looking for a reason to leave your husband, I think you found it, and I support you.

Second, given its minor role in your post, I wonder whether what you are experiencing is truly emotional abuse. Perhaps it is your husband's (albeit poor) expression of his resentment of you. You describe yourself as the "breadwinner." But a couple sentences later, you say that your husband works what appears to be full time, and a hard shift at that. Nevertheless, he's on an "allowance," and you "allow him the spending money he needs to be happy"? I can't see you being happy with him if your positions were reversed, no matter how ample your allowance might be.

The way I see it, members of a family contribute (in whatever way) to the family. Denying a member access to some of that contribution makes them irrelevant to the family. No wonder he doesn't want to contribute.

Here's a suggestion. Create a single, whole-family budget, and involve him. Make sure he feels heard. And budget in the things you want! Put in $60 a month for a massage for yourself. Put in $100 every three months (or, to make sense of it on a monthly budget, $35 a month) to get your hair done. Put in $15 a month for emergency appliance repair. But here's the important part: Ask him how much is a reasonable amount to spend on his fun-car, and how much maintenance--and emergency repairs--might cost on the other car. Ask him what he wants budgeted in for himself, and I'm betting he won't go crazy with it. Once he sees how much a dinner out every night costs for a month? The light will go on.

If impulsive spending is an issue, that's a reasonable thing to address. Once the budget's done, ask him if he would mind using cash only, and only possessing maybe two fuel tanks' worth at a time--or however much the budget suggests he might need to spend in a week. That way he's not stranded in an emergency, the impulses can't do massive budget damage, and the restriction of an allowance isn't this global, mother-son relationship inducer. Maybe after that, he'll feel involved enough in the family to pick up his socks.

If he's emotionally abusive after that, take your children and leave him.

 

Good call; but I still think

Good call; but I still think he has anger issues. I would insist on counseling. Stay safe!

He ended up not getting the

He ended up not getting the hotel and came home with an air mattress.   He refused to speak to me this morning so I wrote him this email:

So let me begin by saying my timing was terrible with the point I was trying to make and that tends to be the explosion with my passive aggression and I probably could have mentioned in advance that I would like to sleep in on Friday.  I desperately want you to see my point and you won't. In contrast all you want is an apology and I won't and thus creates our typical argument of fighting to be right and that is our real problem isn't it? I realize it was insensitive of me to ask you to get up with our son when you weren't feeling well and hadn't gotten sleep and I am sorry for that.  I can think of a few times you have been pretty insensitive in the same light and I have held my tongue so I guess I didn't see myself as the demon you do.  And that is our second problem, I don't want to be with someone that sees me as a demon - and I think you do far too often and I don't think it is healthy because it is far too easy for me to start to see myself that way too.  When you think that I make it up half the time when I am sick or that I mention a headache as a manipulation I cannot help but think who does he see when he looks at me?  I don't want anyone to see me the way you do.  I feel for me to start loving myself again and to be healthy for the baby I cannot continue this trend.  I feel like you are not sensitive to me and clearly you feel I am not sensitive to you.  I am not claiming that I am perfect and I accept half of the responsibility for our strains and issues it seems like we both push and we both fight to be right and our communication rarely meets a healthy place unless we are both holding our tongue.  We both say things like I am sorry you feel like I was being mean instead of just saying I am sorry honey, we both do.  There is no blame there is no root of the issues in one persons fault.

That being said we need to move forward.  We need to begin couples therapy and begin to learn how to communicate because we have never been able to do it successfully; even early on our arguments were very passionate - phones being thrown, engagement rings thrown, holes in walls, bags packed...so we need to really work on this for our family if we both feel that is what we need to do.  I think we need some space to do that and figure out if we really love and respect each other as a partner or if we are simply loving and respecting one another as both being amazing parents to our son.  I think to do that we need to live separately.  I still want you to see our son every day and spend your days off with him and I promise you I will do everything to make that happen, I promise that  because you are a great father and I would never take you away from our son.  I am willing to move out and get an apartment here in our town and allow you to keep the house as I know the garage is important.  I also know there are few options with carports/garages in the area as well if you would like to move. There are a lot of 6 month leases and even month to month options so it could be temporary.  We will split the tax return and I will work out saving for the summer on my own - with of course separate bank accounts.  We have enough right now if we put off a few bills until we get our tax return to make this happen and I think it is the best way to move on and ensure my health and the baby's.  I think when we are ready we could begin some therapy sessions together - maybe separate at first- and begin working on putting our marriage back together if that is something we both agree on.

I am not making all the decisions here so of course I want your input and thoughts on all of this.


 

 

He came upstairs and said he would not be reading that whole email as it was far too long and he would never be able to forgive me for what I did when he was sick and hadn't slept.  He told me I set him for failure and that I have been mad at him for weeks.  He had woke himself up off the couch to come lie with me and I was mad at him then.  He is right I have been mad and I want to fix that and don't feel I can with things the way they are. 

He told me everyone at work is against him and I am against him and why can't everyone understand he has a disability that he can't get help for and he was born with it.  Why haven't I told him to quit his job so he can have better hours and he can sleep.   He has nothing right now because all he does is work and try to sleep and why can't I see that.  Then he started crying and now he is locked in the basement refusing to talk to me.  I don't know how to help him right now and I don't like that I can hear him sobbing - he never cries.  He is just really upset about his job and sleep deprivation I think from the drugs he is on - aderol.  I feel like a jerk for habi

 

 

You are not a jerk!  That was

You are not a jerk!  That was a very fair and balanced email.  I'm sorry for you and your husband that he is too sick right now to see that.  I agree with him that he is sick; I don't agree with him that that gives him a free pass to treat you badly and to continue screwing up his life.  You might just need to leave and keep yourself and your children safe right now. 

 Well he is on his way to

 Well he is on his way to work now and we did spend a few hours talking.  As per usual I felt like the jerk and he made me feel completely irrational and all of my feelings and emotions felt completely inappropriate.  He had ample examples of just how wrong I was and how negatively I see things and diminish all the positive.  He is an amazing salesman because now I feel horrid about how I treated him.  He feels that if one of us moves out he will not seek couples therapy and wants a divorce, there would be no working on our marriage it would be over.  However, if he stays here in the basement - which is apparently the decision "we made" although I am still spinning a bit on that one.  Anyways in that case he is willing to go to couple's therapy as long as it would double as someone that could regulate his meds.  With that in mind he wanted to leave for work early and go to Best buy and I said that I needed him to get his own checking account this week as I do not want anything to do with his money anymore and vise versa and he agreed but seemed annoyed with me.  Now he is talking about using a line of credit at his work to buy an 800 dollar tablet so he can use the 200 he was going to use from our tax return on something else.  I as per usual just hang my head and feel exhausted from all of our arguing in the last 24 hours.  I feel like I have to make a decision because if one of us moves out it is my decision and he will end our marriage.  The only way our marriage will work is if I agree to his terms.  But I can't help but think I need this space - even a few months - to decide if I can find some happiness away from him if I can remember who I am with out him and is she someone I can look in the mirror?  I really want him to move out I really do every bone in my body says that is the answer but as soon as he says it's over and divorce I feel like throwing up and can't even consider that as an option.  I don't know what is right...I need to start talking to someone...and I know I immediately fall into a pattern I made him a smoothy and I want to go down stairs and make his air-matress and get him a comforter so he is more comfortable. 

I have to disagree.

I have to disagree with Rosered, regarding whether that email was fair and balanced. I'm not sure how "I am not making all the decisions here so of course I want your input and thoughts on all of this" is compatible with "We need to move forward" and "We need to begin couples therapy" and "we need to live separately" and "We will split the tax return."

Again, how can he feel like he's a part of the family? This is a guy who felt like he had to use part of his allowance to buy an air mattress to sleep in the basement. He's not a husband; he's a guest--and an unwelcome one at that.

Are you for real? He has no

Are you for real? He has no control over his spending. He's driving them both over a financial cliff. She needs to put a stop to this NOW! He doesn't exactly seem like a victim. Having an allowance is not a bad thing! My husband and I have a budget; we both get allowances. It's called being ADULTS! He has no right to ruin her financially.

budget

Yes. I am for real. Waterfall, you have a budget with your husband. That doesn't sound like it's Kimber's family's case. Indeed, my point is that he doesn't sound like he has a voice in the family at all, financially or otherwise. (Look at her email!) If that's part of what's making him act out, I think they'd be well served to address it.

I'm just trying to figure out what's changed. It seems like his objectionable behavior couldn't have been present in the first two years, or they wouldn't have decided to get married and have children together. Is that right, Kimber? (By the way, if he's on stimulant medication: One of the primary side effects is irritability. You might look into Strattera or Intuniv.)

Waterfall, I agree he has no right to ruin her financially. That's why I suggested ways to get around the impulse spending, above. If he won't work with Kimber on that, she should absolutely leave him. Marriage is part love and connection, but also part business, and one part can't work without the other.

By the way, Kimber, I want to be clear: You can throw all this budget business out the window if you're making efforts to involve him and getting emotionally abused in response. ADD, OCPD, a history of abuse, whatever--none of those are excuses to abuse. If that's what's going on I agree with Waterfall: get out.

I'll tell you what has

I'll tell you what has changed, she started to stick up for herself and he does not like it. Did you read the posts? She said he has had anger issues going back to when he was a teen. This didn't start because he's been put on a budget. I have a feeling he is a very good manipulator, she's been enabling him from the start. You don't get to the point where you can't get a car loan over night. He's a petulant child who doesn't like being told no. It sounds like she attempts to engage him, he manipulates her to get what he wants, and she feels like she got nowhere for her effort, save a few moments of peace.  In all fairness, how could she deal with him? As I said I'm a different post, she is not qualified. He needs help.

I only started allowance for

I only started allowance for both of us because he would spend with out worrying about bills being paid, so savings enough for gas or groceries, he won't even check online banking so when I say you get 200 and I get 200 spending money for the month than I know we will make it to the next pay check, we were always broke using direct deposit advance to make it because of his spending and I was making too many sacrifices so he could spend like crazy on payday, we both agreed to devy up leftover money for the month after setting aside so much for groceries and gas and he spend every penny in less than a week and my share fund family outings etc. He spent 160 last night and I haven't finished bills this month, and he spent 100 twice last week of the grocery money on picking up milk one time and he bought wax for his car, tools, pants for our son... Just random non grocery money so once again my share of the money had to buy actual groceries. I beg him to take over the finances -he can't and I should mention that he didn't work for a year and spent a lot of money last year. I paid off his 5000 speeding tickets so he could finally get his license and my bonus was the downpayment on his 17000 car while I drive on a 4000 car. He stopped sleeping in our bed on his own months ago...

Girl, RUN, don't walk! He

Girl, RUN, don't walk! He needs help. There is something wrong with his prefrontal cortex and YOU are not qualified to help him. People with ADHD have problems with self control. People with turrettes have problems with self control. people with OCD have problems with self control. People with problems with self control hurt people. Have all the sympathy you want for the guy, but protect yourself.

He is quite the manipulator!

He is quite the manipulator! Is there somewhere you could go? If your gut is telling you to separate, even temporarily, do it. If he cared about his marriage, he would seek counseling no matter what the living arrangements. He is really trying to bully you into doing what he wants. Your marriage will never work if you are forced to do things according to his terms, with no concern as to what you need. I really fear for you. He sounds a bit unhinged. I mean really, EVERYONE is against him? As a rule, if everyone is against you, the problem may well be with YOU! Please take care of yourself.

So last night at work he

So last night at work he started to casually text me like nothing was wrong about his coworker bringing in burritos.  Then the next thing I know he is calling me on a 5 minute break to tell me he told his dad everything and his dad said it is a really bad idea to separate and move out and not to do it.  I responded with everyone is different we don't know that it won't work for us or if it is what we need to help us.  He said fine I will move out and hung up on me. 

I texted him:  I don't know what I want to do right now.

He said: Fine

-I am just numb from the last 24 hours and I don't want to do anything impulsively (his statement that if we separate then we will divorce is haunting me)

I am back at work.

-OK, well I certainly don't think we should make any decisions on your 5 minute break.

Fine.  I tried a few times with you. Don't expect me to keep trying.

-Again I think we should take it one day at a time right now I want to find someone to talk to asap (therapy for me)

okay

-I am driving to Ashley's in a few minutes to watch movies so I won't be able to text.

His next text is completely off topic

Once my supervisor gives me the ok (he can get a line of credit from work for a computer and we have been discussing to let him get a 200 dollar tablet - remember he gave away his tablet that was less than a year old and 350 dollars to his mom for Christmas- I should also point out that I am really worried because I won't get paid in the summer for two months and maternity leave is unpaid so I really want to save up some money for that and I am petrified we won't have the money) I will be buying the tablet with our money (We have never discussed this he is just telling me what he is doing) It will be reimbursed soon and before you get pissy about it, you might want to ask instead of assume.

-How long does it take to get reimbursed and are you really getting an 800 dollar one?

I will pay 50 a month for it and it is for me!  My coworker was reimbursed in less than a week and the minimum loan is 750 so I have to get an 800 one (so apparently spending 250 of our taxes is no longer the plan - he keeps changing it) I am willing to work for it then I should be able to do whatever I want.

-What concerns me is the upfront 800 right now, but do what you want

OK good

 

That is pretty much it - I feel bullied into it.  We are going to have 12,000 less in income for the months of june, july and august.  He wants our nephews to come stay with us and plans to fund those plane tickets.  I can hardly breath I have so much anxiety I worry about money so much and no money isn't our only problem but it is what makes me think I want to be on my own for a bit because I could live frugal and save money from my next few checks.  I am starting to think I need to teach summer school - which means I can't spend the summer with our nephews when he is at work.  He just wants me to finish bills so he knows how much money he can spend and I wish he could just be ok with not spending for the next few months and saving all our money.  I of course want to budget for a few family outtings and things but no more new clothing and I don't want to spend 1000 on dining out/toys/amusement parks etc. when we go back to New Mexico for spring break.

I had insomonia all night last night and my stomach was hurting so bad.  I know I am creating a lot of the stress for myself by worrying so much about money - but I guess it is because he doesn't worry at all.  He thinks we will be fine with less than half our income.  I can't help but think he is one break down from walking out of his job - I don't feel like I can rely on him. 

 

@Waterfall you have given me a lot of supporting words and most of me sees what you are saying and I can't agree more but there is so much of me that wants to make up with him and let things be good for a little bit.  Things are better when I make a list of chores for him every day and communicate my needs all the time and I am super sensitive to his needs and wants making sure he gets them all.  It is really scary to think about being in Alaska with no close family or friends and no support system - I have one close friend - and to think of leaving him and doing this all on my own.  It scares me - it scares me to not have a salary for three months and to take on another months rent and to worry about my bills and his bills (because many are in my name).  It scares me to say divorce and final just because I want a few months away from him - he just doesn't understand that.  Last night I had a dream that he moved back to New Mexico. 

I guess I am a little stricken that his priority switched so quickly to a tablet... I am calling someone to get therapy started tomorrow if the offices are open on president's day.  It is hard to trust my own mind anymore with all the hormones that come with pregnancy- I just don't want to have any regrets.  I hate that it is all or nothing with him...

Money worries

I think Waterfall is right. You say "I worry about money so much" in this forum, but you say "Do what you want" to him.

 

 

Have you read Codependent No

Have you read Codependent No More by Melanie Beatty? You really need to get it and read it. You are enabling him, in part because you are afraid of being alone. You fear the consequences of standing your ground. You are a partner in this dance. You can't fix him, but you can fix yourself. I am glad to hear you are looking for a counselor. It's a step in the right direction. You have to realize that the more you stand up for yourself, the worse his behavior will get. He is used to bullying people in order to get his way. Just remember you are not making him act the way he does. If he doesn't like your decisions, he can either leave or accept your choices. There is no need for the BS he is putting you through. It's time to grow up and put on his big boy pants. I hope he will care enough about his wife and family to join you in getting help.

I know you are afraid. Alaska is so far away! I think being pregnant makes this all especially scary. You will get through this and when you do, you will be stronger. ((hug))

MagicSandwich's picture

His dad

OK big red flag right there. His father is the enabler in this case.  

We have made up, and he is

We have made up, and he is seeing his psychologist tomorrow and we will begin family counseling soon, we had a great day today and he has agreed to save some money, I know we have a long ways to go and I hope he gets treatment, thanks everyone for your words, I have to try and see the positives more and hopefully the counseling will help us communicate, and of course better budgeting.
NOVA1986's picture

I am sorry

Hi lkimberl,

I do not know what to say to you. But reading your article it made me ask my self. what if I am making a lot of money? Am I going to act like her? My answer is maybe yes,. Just to think abvout it it make me angry with myself. Sometimes when I want to dream in a perfect future with my soon ex-husband. I dream having a lot  of money and paying secretly his college debt. These days are very difficult for me because finally yesterday I heard from him that he doesn't lov eme enough to commit, to promise, or to do anything that can make me happy. He does things ones in a while like helping with th elaundry (laundry mat or in his parents home) driving the girls (that I found that is his responsibility, not a favor). He is a nice guy,  I'm just not the love of his live, so I can't motivate him to be loyal. If he has money he will buy milk, eggs, butter, etc if I ask him for it.

I knew his lack of strong feelings for me, but to hear it from him was hard, and at the same time sweet, because I was happy, because he was able to be honest. For me that was huge. It is really sad to know when he is laying.

So, I am at the end of my marriage. And I feel a horriible sadness. But I will be bok. I Had worst times in my life. I just have to get acustumed with the idea of not being a wife.  I just hope for all of as to be strong to endure the horrible feelings of being married with our ADD spouses or to finish our marriages

You sound like you are

You sound like you are dealing with this as well as can be expected. Good luck!