I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. He pursued me as he liked a lot of my beliefs, morals and relationship values. We have a very good base.
After 6 months he insisted we move in together as it would be difficult to spend time together as I am going through a 2 year job transition which requires me to work evenings along with studying and we both have children.
We had our ups and downs but things were pretty good. I felt it was too soon but he insisted I was the one and he dated enough the last 5 years after his marriage dissolved that I was different and he just knew.
We both agreed its hard to find the same base beliefs and fundamentals in a partner that we have. We bought a brand new house together 6 months ago.
He suffers from a form of depression/anxiety/ADHD and takes meds daily for this).
Soon after moving in I noticed his mood swings. He'd become irritable at me and the kids for days. I'd stay pleasant and he would snap out if it. It eventually got worse where it would last more days and he would be rude and very demanding and argumentative. As a rule I try to control myself but eventually I participated in the poor behavior and would argue back. We developed a cycle. At one point I was feeling I had enough and was looking into selling our house.
He was upset and said we made a huge commitment when we bought the house and he would never have moved his kids and blend our family if it wasn't forever and he was sorry and would work on himself and how could I just give up... He brought up that I complain a lot about life and work and this had to improve as well as it contributed to his moods.
I thought about what he said and he was making a noticeable effort. We moved forward.
With my 2 jobs he was very supportive. I would get down and frustrated. He would remind me that there's a goal in mind and it's not forever and to hang in there and he understands. He told me it was draining him when I wasn't happy and that he didn't like this about me.
I thought I was making an effort at the time and now realize my efforts were not what they should've been. We were both fueling each other.
I know now it was wrong but when he'd get in his moods I'd tell him maybe we should break up as we are not happy a lot of the time. This would snap him out of it. He would again tell me his commitment and that things will improve and he will as well. all relationships have problems and it's easier to fix what you have. That we are still adjusting. This went on a few times.
One week I told him let's see how the week goes and then talk. We had a really good week together. No moods. balanced our time better etc.
On the weekend I was very stressed about $ and was very miserable. My man was really bothered by my behavior and avoided me all weekend and slept a lot. By Sunday evening out of the blue he said you want it done, I agree. I'm done and said he can't put up with how I handle stress. I thought it was out of anger at first and a mood so I didn't react.
I realized that night he was serious when he told his parents and asked to stay with them for space. I told him I know I said let's wait the week but we had a great week! Why now!!
He agreed that he'd reconsider after a week apart and for us to write down the pros and cons and we'd discuss them.
At first I was angry and blamed our problems on him (in writing not to him) but at the end of week it was suddenly clear on my faults too. I realized what my complaining and negativity was doing and my contribution to this. After a week apart I realized I don't ever want to leave him as I love the good in him and can accept the bad which is the moods.
While he was gone I didn't initiate conversation. I gave him space. He texted me but it was all negative small talk short texts.
He texted everyday. sometimes excuses like asking if a bill came in the mail. And was I making a list. I wasn't sure if he missed me or the habit of texting?
The time came to talk and I texted to him that he seems negative and maybe needs more time. He insisted he wasn't living in limbo longer than a week. As soon as I agreed he said he's not coming home that night and that was my choice that our talk would have to wait. Control?
3 days later he came home and was angry. He said he was done and didn't want to hear what I wrote. He read me his and the main thing was how I handle stress and he said he doesn't think that could ever change and there was nothing positive about our relationship. He said he was angry because he wanted to work it out but realized I would never change. He was done. He said we are not compatible and he doesn't care about the house and he was wrong about us. Then he went back to his parents.
Over the next few days he continued to text me. Saying we need to sell the house. We agreed we would have to sell privately as we have little equity.
I sent him a couple of long texts explaining how I see my part in this and I wasn't making a true effort on working on myself. He was interested in what I had to say but said he didn't think I could really stop the constant complaining. I told him I am addressing my issues not just for him but also me. He said too little too late.
Now it's going on the 3rd week. He texts every couple of days asking if I have my share for the private listing fee. I told him it would be at least a month. He keeps repeating how he wants house gone now so he can move on.
He originally was saying he would stay at his parents until house sold. Now he said he's staying home as he's paying half the bills.
First few days he was angry and has been drinking every night. I didn't say much until after about day 3 I stood my ground and said there's nothing to be angry about. If he's going to take it out on me I'm not taking it and there is nothing to be angry about.
Since then he's been calm and now I rarely hear from him by text when he's not home. When he is home he finds excuses to talk to me and come upstairs.
We've been having some finance difficulties too. I had told him prior to this in October I will have extra $ to share. He said he can't make his finances better until he's on his own.
He usually pays the cable bill and said he can't afford to this month as he got a speeding ticket. He was embarrassed but I said I'd pay it. He's also a month behind. One of his texts asked when I'll have $ to list house. Then he said no pay cable first. House can wait. Why is house not a priority to sell now? I had hope he's having 2nd thoughts.
2 days passed and he's again asking when I'll have the house fee. But he knows I still don't have it!
This weekend he went to the cabin. I texted him tonight and said I missed him. He said get over it he's done. At the cabin there's no reception unless he leaves and goes for a quad ride. He went out numerous times to text me but all negative. If he's done wouldn't he just ignore me?
He repeats he's done but if he is, wouldn't he rather stay somewhere else until house sells? I know what it feels like to really be done and I wouldn't care if I was paying half bills. I'd stay somewhere else until house is sold.
I backed down for days after telling Him how I felt and gave him space. Space seems to make him even more distant. But when we are both at home he's different.
He says we are done but sometimes when he's in a mood he says stuff he doesn't mean and he's admitted in the past that this is a problem he struggles with.
When he gets an idea in his head he's very stubborn but when he realizes his idea is emotionally fueled in the heat of things and he's fixated, he rethinks it and considers what's been said and what's really going on as he's not a stupid guy and he knows he's too stubborn to a fault.
He will not always admit that he's being unreasonably stubborn but will listen to what I say... just as when I said I wouldn't put up with the angriness. He changed overnight.
At this point and the way I know him I don't feel not communicating and too much space is a good thing. But what else can I do to save this? I know I can't change him and I don't want to but rather be more accepting of him. I want to contribute more to this relationship with my new insight on myself and improve our relationship.
We still live together and can't sell our house now. He is so stubborn and fixated and refuses to be open to the change. He has nothing to lose! We can't list house for a month!
I love this man and i feel he's stressed about $, felt pushed away by me and also feels things can't improve on my part.
A month ago i'd be agreeing with him as I didn't see my behavior back then and felt it was him causing all the problems in our relationship.
He didn't give up on me when I would've let go before and what kept us together was our same relationship beliefs. That in this day and age, so many people give up and walk away instead of making a relationship stronger. Those were his words at my low times and his words when we first met. Nothing really bad happened between us.
I am committed and love this man. I regret I didn't see my part in this sooner or was more understanding of his ADHD moods. Now he is fixated on the negative and wants to throw us away. I feel deep down if he would allow himself to see I am serious about these positive changes and be more accepting of him we could work it out. I know his beliefs that you work on problems not run away are there, just buried right now as he's fixated on this and very stubborn. He says a switch went off but he's said that before.
I also thinks he needs his meds adjusted but now is not the time to bring it up.
Does space work with ADHD men? I know pushing does not work. But too much space and he fixates even more on ending this. Maybe nothing will change his mind but any suggestions of how to handle this? What approach should I take?