Married for 39 years to someone who was diagnosed years ago, tried medication, but was not convinced it was for him. He has managed to be fairly successful in his business, but finances have always been a topic we could not discuss since he felt I was overly concerned about budgeting and planning for future. His idea of a budget is to "make more money" to pay the bills.
He has now maxed out our Equity Line to pay for business expenses that are out of control, and is only paying somewhat over minimum each month to pay it off. This has put me in a situation that we are unable to save or even plan for a vacation or retirement. His business expenses are not controlled in any manner, and whenever I try to set up a time convenient to him to discuss finances, something always comes up in his schedule to push the meeting off. We were to have a meeting today (scheduled a month ago), but he is too stressed and busy with work to even discuss it with me. I feel it does not even matter to him.
It is apparent we will NEVER be able to discuss finances. How do I plan for "my future" without him? I make a decent salary, and could live comfortably on my own, but resent that he has just given up on the relationship and chooses to put his clients and work before all else.
I am going back to our counselor next week. I need help in navigating a way forward. Every time I even try to speak to him, he accuses me of being critical. I am beginning to feel as if i AM the problem when I know it is both of us, but he refuses to accept responsibility (stating it is just all of the work stress he is under that makes him act this way).
How much longer to I wait for him to get his act together? We have discussed treatment but he feels he just needs to "try harder" - thus far that has not worked. I feel as if I am being tortured for wanting simple things like being able to pay the bills without worrying if we will have enough to do so the following month (he considers that paranoia). The only savings we have is because I put some of my paycheck aside. Last vacation was in 2005, and he is not interested in even scheduling anything. I am beginning to think I am depressed because I just do not see any way out of this situation except leaving. I do love him, but his behavior is killing me.
Hello Neuchatel....
Submitted by c ur self on
I have been reading and posting on this site for over 6 years...My spouse has add also, she takes adderall, it helps her hold her job (focus)...I am so sorry you are going through this after 39 years of marriage...Everything you have said in your post about your spouse, his behaviors, and his attitude, is typical from what I have experienced, and from what I've read on this site for years....It's like a book about one life, that we've all read, and it fits us all in many ways....It's quiet strange, a little scary, and also it's telling really...
So many adhd men have similar behaviors...They refuse to work for someone else (there are reason for this)....They usually are high energy workers....But they struggle w/ Organization, Planning, especially financially....There have been many ladies over the years who's posts read so so similar to yours...They look for any place to grab money to prop up their business during down times, because they can't manage for a rainy day...(usually the family home sadly)...But on the bright side for you (if there is one) you are employed...There have been ladies post here who were home makers and found out that there husbands had gotten them in debt and had spent all their retirement and hid it from them...It's very heart breaking to read....My spouse handles her affairs very similar to your husband...So in order to have peace in that area, I have boundaries...we do not share accounts, bank cards, nothing...Our income's are very similar, I'm retired, she is still working...I just can't trust her in many area's of life...So I don't attempt it any longer, it keeps down the arguments....
I want offer any advice...But, I will say I feel like I understand completely where your at....And I would like to just encourage you to take care of yourself in everyway....
Blessings
c
Appreciate the support
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Thanks for the response; it makes me feel that I am not alone. I realize that boundaries must be set if I am to survive, but I had not envisioned a relationship where I could not share all with my partner. Somehow it makes me feel as if I am not fully committed. Without realizing it, I probably have already started the process when I took my husband's name off the savings account earlier this year. After he maxed out the Equity Line, I could not trust that he would do the same to the savings, and I needed to have something to make me feel secure.
I am grateful I have a good job. I am unable to quit working till I reach 65 in order to have Medicare, so I am stuck paying for husband's health insurance each month as well. I should count what blessings I do have.
I have an appointment with our counselor today, and invited my husband to join, but have no idea if he will see it through. I am still very angry about the situation, but am more sad and disappointed than anything else. I was looking forward to the time we could be together more and do enjoyable things together -- it appears that will never happen. He is more concerned with his clients and their needs. It is really great for them since few people truly care about their clients like he does, but it leaves me behind.
Live as roommates
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
We both had a session with the counselor this afternoon. Since neither of us have made positive changes in our situation over the past couple of years, she recommends we live as "roommates" (I cannot afford getting a place of my own AND contributing financially to the household) with defined chores/items to do for each. She will assist us with the "to do" list at our next session. I understand what she is saying, but it really does not address my husband's long term issues with follow up (or lack thereof). Guess we will see if he follows through with the "to do" list she assigns to him. Counselor told us if one of us did not follow through on items, then that would be a clear indication we do NOT wish to continue in the relationship. Guess I already know who that will be. After so many years together, I find it very difficult to give up on the relationship, but it seems as if my husband is giving me clear indicators that the first priority in his life is his work and clients. That is very sad.
Hi..,
Submitted by c ur self on
A few things jump out... One, as you know counselors make decisions with fairness to both parties in mind (which they should)... Your mind is extremely effected by history!
Just my thoughts here... (How I'm trying to deal with it)...
I had to honest with my self....Can I stop focusing on what I'm not getting from her... Time, attention, energy, and know I've been there for her, come to peace with that, accept the reality of her life pursuits, and turn my attention on what is available to me in this life...My Children, grand children, many friends, hobbies etc..,And still enjoy the things we can agree on?... We are all different, my wife has a highly hyper focused mind... So her priorities change to what ever shiny thing she attached to... Our kids, grand children, friends, games on her phone, tv shows... What ever she is doing in the moment locks her every though not it... She walks in a thrift store and two three hours later, I call and ask where are you? and her reply is OMG what time is it? LOL... I'm this anal retired guy who's a planner, love attention, affection and time together.... When you are married to a mind like hers, you have to accept it, or leave... She works at changing, trying show affection and attention, she attempts to be more aware of my feelings for a while, but it doesn't last... People like us just have to step back, and see how futile it is, and self destructive it is, to allow ourselves to be angry, be emotional wanting change where it's not possible... Brick walls want change, I can't make a white horse black...
Did this in a rush on an iphone, please forgive all the mistakes
c
Is change possible?
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I believe you are correct in stating that "wanting change where it's not possible". Despite my efforts, I am not done with grieving what I thought our relationship would, or could, be. Even after counselor yesterday, I tried to apologize to husband for my part in this mess -- only thing he said to me was "I have to get back to work." That says it all!
He has tried to utilize reminders, iPhone, software -- all to no avail. He forgets to set the reminders, or his just ignores them.
This is going to be an extremely difficult and painful time.
Effects on us....
Submitted by c ur self on
There are cycles of behaviors when we are with a person who doesn't seem (incapable of showing it) to care about us....You will have to recognize it in yourself and work on you....He is content with his life.."I'm going back to work"....He, like many of our spouses cannot put his self in your shoes...His mind want allow it, (for what ever reason) so it leaves you alone with your thoughts....Painful thoughts.....That is way I tell others and myself to accept them for who they are....Once I set all the boundaries on myself to accept her, it allowed me to move into a better place emotionally, knowing, (barring God changes her, which he can), this is it...
So my life, my interests, have changed. Not in a sinful way!...But just in living the life I'm blessed with way!....
I choose to stay because mine isn't a threat to me, in most ways....I would cook and clean for myself if she wasn't here anyway. And she probably wouldn't have the heart or patients to be a care giver if I got down...But, my children see that, I see that....I had to stop living in a mind that longed for her to be what she has no power or interest in being...
I lost my first wife of thirty years to breast C..She loved being close with me...But, this one isn't her :).....We still have sex, it's not the spontaneous type that I would still love, but, it's satisfying for people in their sixties...It always could be worse, and I am thankful and desire only to count my blessings!
Learning to live with the reality of it all is vital...IF I couldn't w/o beating her and myself up emotionally all the time, I know now I would leave....Once I came to peace with leaving, at that point, my anxiety went way down, and I actually started living with a little more contentment, and little more happiness....(Redirected my focus onto healthy things concerning daily life)
I hope you can find within yourself a peaceful place....The cycle I talked about....The apologies were just part of it...I gave many apologies to my wife for things that I allowed myself to get drug into...When if I would have not engaged her at all, she would have had to live with the consequences....A person who can't be happy without controlling every aspect of their and their spouses life is tiring, and it's miserable to deal with....Boundaries are a must, if we stay together, for everyone's peace....
The last thing to go for me was "pointing out her behaviors"....It was keeping me upset, she was fine...lol..Who's the loser there? Those self inflicted sufferings had to die, I had to learn to walk away, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally....It takes me counting my blessings, knowing my God loves me, and knowing I've been there for my wife....I'm at peace with all....
I know my marriage will never look like many people's.....I can accept it....or I can move on....It's that simple for me.....
I will pray for you....
c
Trying to exist
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I do appreciate the thoughts and prayers. Yesterday was a very hard day for me as I tried to get through the day without engaging him much in order to not be accused of being critical -- I feel as if it has now come to this due to his hypersensitivity about everything I say.
You are correct in that nothing appears to affect him as he is satisfied with the way things are (or at least is not bothered to the point that he feels he must do anything to change them). Walking away mentally and emotionally is very difficult for me. I had the crazy idea that partners in life would actually engage on all levels (even though that has not occurred for us in a long time).
I am trying to figure out a way to protect myself financially for the future. It is difficult when his business is so intertwined with our personal finances (he owns his own business). While he has maxed out our Equity Line, I have decided no more household monies will be released for his business (I took him off our savings account earlier this year without telling him -- feel as if that is my only means of feeling secure). With the Equity Line being fully encumbered, it greatly hampers anything that might need to be done (i.e., major repairs on house, etc.). We had talked about getting a house that was more accessible (he has physical issues that is making this house just not work for us), but now I really have NO desire to be the one who does ALL of that work.
Since I am the one who usually pays the bills, schedules maintenance for cars and house, and gets anything else done that has a deadline, I am just tired and worn out. Isn't a partnership supposed to take some of the stress off one partner at least part of the time?
Yes, you are right...BUT
Submitted by c ur self on
Walking away mentally and emotionally is very difficult for me. I had the crazy idea that partners in life would actually engage on all levels (even though that has not occurred for us in a long time).
Since I am the one who usually pays the bills, schedules maintenance for cars and house, and gets anything else done that has a deadline, I am just tired and worn out. Isn't a partnership supposed to take some of the stress off one partner at least part of the time?
The two statements above are true statements when it comes to people who follow through with their vows, their promises...People who have a heart and mind willing and capable to be that devoted spouse without excuse.....But until those of us who DO NOT have what is ***suppose to be*** in a life partner, can accept that, then we want stop wanting what isn't there....
I spent years asking those same questions, pointing that out to my wife, day after day, she would run away, and I was alone, over worked, angry and bitter!!!.....I had to stop living in the illusion of what was suppose to be....Accept what was, or leave....
It's is just as difficult for those of us who are abandoned to accept the reality of it, as it would be for our spouses to wake up in the morning a caring and engaging person.....I don't want to coninue to belabor these points, you are where you are....I will continue to pray for you.....I never want to hurt anyone here....I only want to love and help if possible...
Bless you!
c
PS....I've found it very good therpy for her and myself to allow her to face adult responsibilities.....Why would people want to change when their life is a gravy train of sorts....Try to not carry his responsibilites....
Thoughtful Response
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Thank you for the thoughtful response. This is EXACTLY what our counselor has been saying to me. I am attempting to not "pick up the pieces" for things that my husband says he will do, but then does not; I find that very hard as I do see his struggle. I have always been a person who does wish to help (at home and at work) so it is extremely hard to consciously take a step back. I know that change only occurs when the person REALLY wants it. The gravy train life does not encourage change, nor does taking on responsibilities that he should be carrying. I did not think it would be so difficult.