Its been a month that he has been gone....

My dear husband left our home a month ago.  I have ridden waves of saddness, anger, grief, fury, numbness, pain... all of it.   I gave 4 options, the first two of him coming back home or moving into his own place and I would take him seriously about working on our marriage.  The second two - him staying where he is at (in a friend's spare room) but loosing regular loving communication with me (I have to protect myself and I set the boundry), and then to just throw everything away and divorce.   He chose to stay at the friend's house a week ago.  He says its so that he can "make it on his own" and its all he can afford.  Not true.  A week before he finally decided on what he was gonna do I sent him a list of apartments in our town that are less than what he is paying his friend, all bills paid.  He has retreated back to the video games that ruled his life so much - aknowledging that he was doing so and risking our marriage.  He did it willingly because "he was paying his own way".  

Makes me feel like I was PAYING HIM to not do those things that harm us.  I thought he stopped doing it because his life was better with out that monkey on his back.  Thats what he said when he finally broke the addictions. 

He started smoking again, even though it took him 2 years and ALOT of physical and emotion pain (for both of us) to quit after smoking for 20 years.  I was so proud of him. His health improved so much.

He now goes to the bar and drinks all the time - when he refused to ever have a drink with me in the saftey and comfort of our own home.

It breaks my heart into peices so small that I am sure I will never see most of them again.

I was left behind to clean up the mess both literal and figuratively he left behind.  I dont know if he will come back ever, I dont know if I will be ABLE to have him come back.  How many times can he prove to me that I and our marriage and life we have built together means so little to him.  I want to believe that deep down he loves me for real, and that he will snap out of it.  He has alot more going on than just the ADHD, there is alot of trauma in his past he needs to work through.  But I dont think going and staying at a friend's party house with people who are only going to affirm him going back to old damaging behaviors is him working on those demons that haunt him.  He needs help, and I am scared he wont get it now. 

How to I move forward when the person I love more than anything in the world is just drifting away and doesnt even seem to mind.  The rejection hurts so bad that I feel like I cant even breathe.  I have burried myself in chores, work and everything I can think of.  I dont stop until I am dead on my feet then I take as much medicine as I can to sleep and hopefully not dream.  I am so angry at him, and so hurt.  He says he left me because I deserve better.  But to me thats a cop out.  He knows I deserve better, but he doesnt do anything to GIVE me better.  Its like seeing a starving kid sitting at your table while you feast  - you know the kid is starving, they are begging for food, and you dont bother sharing what you have because you think the kid needs someone who can cook better. 

I honestly and genuinely hope that while we are apart that he honestly takes a deep look inside and really puts an effort in dealing with his past.  I want my husband to come back to me.  I want him to find his way home.  But even if he never finds his way home I hope he finds a way to heal.  I know that life will probably never be "normal" but he can conqure anything he wants.  He is extremely intelligent, and can understand anything he wants.  He is one of those amazing people that are loving and forgiving almost all the time.  He is kind and generous when he is stable.  When he has the ADHD under control - he is like superman.  Can do anything.  He was doing so well in May... working out, eating well, following his coach... then something happened in June, and I dont know what it is but something happened.  And it all fell apart.  I couldnt take it.  I broke down and let my emotions get the better of me by mid-july and I made a mistake by talking to a lawyer.

I apologized and begged him to forgive me and come home, but he didnt. And now, even though I have forgiven SO MUCH MORE, and been through so much with him-  here I am alone.  Some moments are ok and I think - I can deal with this!  I can be strong!  But the reality is I am just completely and totally gutted to my core.  I know if he never comes back I will survive and I will get through somehow.  But right now, in the moment, I feel like I could just evaporate to nothing from the pain.  I am glad I have my dogs because with out them I think I would really loose it. 


I have lost too much...