It's been a while...

I can't remember the last time I posted, I suppose it has been almost 2 years. The roller coaster ride continues. I've made huge steps forward myself, I've managed to stop engaging about 75% of the time. Briefly, for those who don't know my history (it is all posted here in previous posts), we have been married 17 years (as of yesterday) and for a while things weren't terribly bad. Job loss, his mother dying, my father dying, an affair (he had), and major financial issues caused him to start spiraling out of control in 2009. He hit rock bottom (or so I thought) in spring 2012 and ended up in a facility. He seemed to get his life back on track, got another job (he lost his when he went into the facility), and was doing better than I had seen him in years. He had some issues, obviously, before 2009, but his ADHD was much controlled when he made a lot of money. I am not sure why, but his mood and happiness is directly related to money. Things started to decline in the fall of 2011 when I found out he was drinking again. They steadily declined and in the fall of 2012 I had pretty much given up on our marriage. He had started making comments about not being interested in spending time with me and about how he'd have never married me if he had known I would expect him to help around the house. We have a low functioning autistic son and I stayed home with the kids until he lost his job in 2012. I started working full time and was trying to get him to help, to no avail. I truly didn't think he cared. I developed a crush on a co-worker, sent a friend an e-mail about it, and he read my emails and got on my FB and saw where I was chatting with him. The email made it clear that nothing had happened or ever would happen, but he didn't believe it...even though I had no reason to lie because I had no intention of him ever reading it. We were friends as far as he or anyone else knew. It was a secret crush that I felt a lot of guilt about and the God's honest truth is that I had worked it out with God before it went further than a crush. The coworker never knew and it was over before my husband even knew anything about it.


He went completely off the deep end. I had never been afraid of him. I had never been threatened by him. We'd been married 15 years. He was threatening to kill me almost daily. I was having to grab my kids in the middle of the night and run and hide because he was becoming threatening. About two months into it, it had gotten so bad that the cops were called by my step daughter. He left before they arrived and that was the beginning of a two month separation. I felt guilty for hurting him and tried to appease him in every way I could, but enough was enough and I wasn't living with him and being afraid. He still continued to torment me through texts and threats so I finally went and stayed with family and refused to talk to him for several days. He finally knew I was serious and the threats stopped. Still, to this day, the ramifications of it all are very real. He is still drinking, increasing amounts. I work nights and appx once a week he will text me while I am at work and tell me he's leaving, is done living with me, he means it this time, he can't stay here anymore, etc. I've begged him to stop. You can imagine the emotional damage this does and how destructive it is to our marriage.


I've started working very hard at having peace in my life and have made it very clear to him that if that means I have to divorce him, I will. My sister moved to TX (very devastating for me) in Nov and as much as I do not want to leave TN, I've told him I would pack and move there and he'd never see me again if he cannot stop the mental abuse and threats. Over the course of the last few months he's been doing things, without going into details, that lead me to believe he's lying to me and quite possibly cheating. again. He emphatically denies it. He admits he's not doing well at all. He admits he's out of control. He admits he's got a drinking problem. He says often how unhappy he is and how miserable his life is. I've done everything but roll out the red carpet for him to just go and find whatever he thinks will make him happy. He has a counselor he loves that he won't go see. He still takes ADHD meds, but they obviously aren't going to work if he's drinking. He talks constantly of feeling guilt for what he's done to me and about how I deserve better than him. He hates his job too, he says. He works for a local Christian university and is getting a free education. He had a diploma when he started, he's now a junior and will have his Bachelors in IT within 18 months or so. He does nothing but complain and moan about how much he HATES school.


What compelled me to write is a conversation we had last night...the night of our anniversary. We're flipping through the stations and he sees the PBS special "ADHD and loving it". He watches for one segments, turns off the TV, starts crying and says it was eye opening and it was nice to know he wasn't alone. He then proceeds to tell me he only keeps his jobs for me and the kids...adding that he feels like complete sh!t about himself because he resents me for it. He says something along the lines of "what kind of a$$hole am I for resenting you for it?" Also, I am constantly telling him that all I want is for him to be nice to me, for us to have peace and get along. He says last night that he has never been nice to me, not in 17 years, and that is because no one ever taught him now to be nice. Honestly, I wanted to punch him. Reality is, he's right. He has consistently and constantly done hurtful and destructive things. All 17 years. He cheated 6 months into the marriage...when I was pregnant with our daughter. Lastly, he's been getting mad and leaving...and not coming home for 2-3 nights...saying he's up on the mountain and needs to find what he's looking for (I guess meaning he needs to figure out why he's so depressed and maybe possibly trying to deal with his guilt?) He mentions it, I tell him that it hurts myself and our 15 year old daughter. He accuses me of "bringing her into our problems" and I told him that I don't have to say a word (and I DON'T), but that he's her daddy and when he's not home it hurts her. She's told me so. Said she was "frustrated" which means she's hurt and confused and scared. He said "to me, it is normal. why should I be forced to be here when I'm more comfortable there?" Ouch.


I am usually pretty good at interpreting what he's TRYING to say because he never says exactly what he means...maybe he doesn't have the ability?? I cannot translate this...I cannot figure out the between the lines on these three comments he made last night. Any input? I finally told him to stop talking, that he was just doing more damage and it was the ramblings of an over tired, overwhelmed ADHD 10:30 p.m.