I'm not sure this belongs here, but the end of this is progress of a sort, and gives me hope (hard to come by right now, but I know it will get better).
Background: I met a man in the spring of 2013. In October he proposed, and I moved into his home. I knew that he had undiagnosed ADHD. All of the signs were there. I talked to him about it a few times, but he wasn't too interested in doing anything about it. I had no idea, at that time, how bad it was... the unpaid bills, billing for his business not done, all of these grandiose plans, impulsive behaviors, and the LIES.
We were supposed to get married on September 27th. In later July, he said he didn't want to get married. He said I had "pushed" him into getting engaged. I immediately took off the ring - "fine, we're not engaged". He didn't want any more responsibilities, he had taken care of people for years and just wanted to take care of himself, he said.
Two days after THAT, he asked me to work on his 2 autistic sons' computer. I discovered that he'd been perusing a dating site since May. When I asked him about it, he lied - he told three different lies before he finally admitted it. I demanded that he make an appointment for both of us to see a therapist together, which he did.
Of course, he was diagnosed with ADHD. The therapist (whom we knew, as she was involved with the boys) said she thought we'd had a good thing going and should try to salvage it. Things deteriorated further before our next visit; I was beginning to realize I needed to get away from the situation - he was not doing anything to help himself (get a doctor to discuss meds, get a therapist). I was not willing to be dangled from his string while he tried to figure out who he was (there was a bit of midlife crisis in there, too, methinks - he even mentioned the ubiquitous sports car), living in his house and subject to his whims. The therapist thought this was a good thing for me for the time being. She said to him, "You can date again - start with that".
I moved out in August, 90 miles away - doable, in my thinking. At first we talked on the phone, but I grew weary of his telling me he'd call me and not doing so. I'd expressed to him before that I think that is disrespectful and rude, and that it was unacceptable. He came to my place a couple of times and we had a nice time until I tried to bring up therapy and getting a doctor. He DID make an appointment with an ADHD "coach" and saw her twice. He "forgot" the third appointment, and was shocked to find that insurance does not cover a "coach". Just another ball dropping, I guess.
Once a week or so I'd ask him if he'd made an appointment yet. When he said, "No, I'm too busy" I tried to point out that this was the ONE THING that he could do to get every facet of his life working better.
Soon he began to say I was being controlling, it was none of my damned business what he did, I was trying to force medical decisions upon him. No, I really wasn't, but I knew that this was crucial if there was to be any hope of reconciliation. This time I put in writing what I meant - not that he *had* to take medications; that would be between him and his doctor - but he needed to make an appointment with an MD *and* a therapist. He started to hang up on me.
The lies continued, too - sure, the boys (I really love those boys and was "mom" to them for a year) were seeing their therapists regularly. I checked; they'd not seen them since I had taken them in early August before I moved out. I called him on every lie I caught him in - this has become routine for him, lying to his customers, family, friends to avoid having to face that he just cannot get organized. I know that he can't, not without help, but he simply will not seek the help that he needs.
It got uglier and uglier until yesterday morning he said, "We are SO over". I asked him, "So you want this to be the end of our relationship?" and he answered, "Yes".
Now I face my own baggage accumulated during the tumultuous year and a half that we were together. I've learned a lot here that has been very helpful. I'm getting myself into therapy, of course, to help me deal with all of this. It hurts - a LOT - but I could never live with that long-term, so I am thankful that I found out the things I did. I'd asked him about money many times and he'd always said, "We're fine!" - came to find out that everything was going on credit cards and he'd procrastinated so much that he had absolutely no CLUE where he was financially. That scared me a LOT. I knew his deceased wife had taken care of all of their finances, and I see why. One of her relatives told me that he frustrated her to no end with the disorganization in that arena, that she knew he had ADHD, too.
Anyway, yes, I'm out, I feel relief mixed with grief. I do have some loose ends to tie up which will probably involve seeing him again - pick up my dog from his place and some of my clothing that is still there. I really miss the boys, even though they are more than a handful to deal with and can be verbally and physically violent. I love them, as I said, and it is hard to let go.
Thanks for reading. If anyone has any words of wisdom to share, I'd appreciate hearing them.