I try to talk to you, but I don't know how to say how I feel in a manner that you'd understand. I try talking and expressing my feelings only to shutter at the very thought of why I even attempted because I am met with not being understood nor feeling appreciated. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything unless it's to validate your ADD ways/emotions. So, because I don't agree? I don't utter a word.
But, inside of me, there are words and feelings waiting to come out and tell you how I feel! Like how much I love you, that I miss you, that beyond all pain and hurts ...I still want YOU! How I love you despite my broken heart, how I need you in my life, how I've made the adjustments that you said you needed, how I cry in the bathroom and turn on the water so no one hears me, how I feel when you talk to other people negatively about me and allow them to do the same without defending me ...your wife, the woman who loves you in the midst of all hurts, confusions, pains, and tears!
I'm sorry that I haven't been available to be there for you when you needed me. But how is it fair to talk to other woman sexually, secretly, and think that those actions will bring us closer? Why do I stay? It's not because of how you look, looks fade. It's not the income you make, I don't do bad 'income wise' either. It's not because we have children, it's not because of our home, it's not because of friends, family members, nor material things.
I don't think you'll ever fully understand how much I am hurting because I feel that I am caught up in a cyclic cycle of ADD that results in the inability to understand the other. I remain here, with you for not other reasons but.... simply that YOU ARE LOVED, YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED, YOU ARE WANTED, YOU ARE NEEDED, and more importantly..... YOU ARE VALUED! Not by the sluts on the internet, not by an ex, not by a friend who doesn't know me/us, not by your parents, not by your friends or anyone else outside of US... but by someone who still gets goose bumps at the very slightest touch you place on the nape of my neck, by someone who smiles and feels so lucky to be your wife when you walk into a room, by someone who loves hearing your laughs (and miss them), by someone who think that you are the sexiest man on this planet, and by someone who absolutely loves your soul... your 'intent', your willingness to comfort me in the midst of your pain... It's me... Your wife, your friend, the mother of your children ...the one who still wants to grow older with you!
Can we keep going on the same as we have? Nope....I don't think neither of us could take it. Should things change? Most definitely.... Are you willing to put in the work, talk to your Dr. in hopes of having your medications adjusted? Stop drinking? Reevaluate the need to be on anti depressants? Exercise?....just doing the things that make you a better you without compromising our 'marital' boundaries? I sure hope so....
Although the above is to my husband ...who I've tried saying these very words to - - will never read this ....I am sure I am not alone in the above sentiments. I know that there are other wives/partners to men who have ADD... who've felt and/or feel the same way I do.