It's never going to stop! or is it?

My husband and myself click very well together.We have our Friday night out as a rule to keep our relationship healthy.Whatever it takes like dancing,etc.We are very good together.The relationship is very good for maybe 2 weeks then chaos again.I built my hopes on the weekends with him since that's really the only time I have with him because during the week it's very hectic for us,it's kids and work for me and work for him pretty much a routine.Well it's like that for everyone only difference we don't get to see each other very often during the week b/c we are not living together.The reason for that is a good one where we both agreed that was best.I am sticking with the plan while he loses patience.He is upset all the time I am not there enough,he wants me to come up and cook for him.I have no problem with his arrangements but the thing is he is a bully behind his demands.

It's the bullying I can't comprehend.I am not use to being controlled by and will not accept it at no time whatsoever.If he is having a bad day at work he wants to be alone then the next day he blames me for not spending time with him,It's like he don't know what he wants.He is very dysfunctional and depress most of the time and very very moody.I can't stand the fact the he has to be so hyper all the time.Like when we go to the grocery for example,he would pick out stuff and while doing so he is very jumpy and talkative then when he reaches the cashier his mood is completely different.It's almost like he wants me to pay for the whole bill.It's frustrating.When he does things like that it sets me in a depressing mood and then I would say to my self no! I am not going to let him spoil my day because he is like this or like that.I immediately snap out of it.

Tuesday of this week I called him around 4:30 in the afternoon,he answered the phone saying to me that it's his friends birthday from his work and that they are having drinks at a bar not to far from his work place but he is leaving shortly.I have no problem with him having a drink with his friends but I specifically told him that when he is please answer the phone when I call you so I would know when you are coming home because his phone could only receive calls not make calls because he never buys phone cards for his phone.WOW!!! I can't believe I just wrote that.I mean who does not have minutes on their phone?

well four hours later then he answered my call after I tried to call him like 10 times.I just brushed it off but sort to pick it up the next day after he sobered up.Next day he was having a bad day in work so I called again in the afternoon to tell him I am coming up to cook his dinner.He said "NO DON'T COME! I AM HAVING A BAD DAY AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO COME" I said no problem I would call you later.he said" NO DON'T CALL ME".WOW!! was I shock? no, not at all,but I was very hurt to know that he rejected me like that and I felt so alone and mistreated.Today he did not go to work well, he don't have work,his boss is securing the electrical and he gave all the employees the day off.well,he came by my cafe and asked me to accompany him in to town and I declined him.I told him that he just can't expect me to keep his company when he refused mines yesterday.I felt like dirt.pure dirt.

The weekend is here and I know I am going to be alone once again.I could deal with everything else but the unstable way of this relationship is surly getting to me once again.Some may seek all the thrills in the world.all I want is a stable relationship and love together with support.I don't know how long again I can continue with a dysfunctional marriage and unstable as well.It's always some problem or another that is about to occur.He would always brush me off very quickly when I address his bad behaviors trying to pin out mines when they are very irrelevant to topic in action at the point.He would start telling me after I try to explain to him that he just cannot answer his phone after 4 hours then expect me not to be up set,that I did not do this for him or that for him and completely try to throw off the real topic.hell the last time I did not answer my phone I found a girl in his apartment,so he knows that he should and he just plays games with me like that..Long story and it's on a next forum I posted so I would not go in to details.I am in the dark,hoping to see the light.

lovehurts.

It's Time to Face Facts

It will never stop. That's the harsh truth. Your husband's problem is not just the ADHD, there's seems to be another psychological disorder at play. Maybe Narcissism? The mood swings are troubling and could be an indication of Bi-Polar or something similar. I can't recall a time where you have said that he wants to get better. Is he on medication or is seeking counseling?

All you have done is vented about his selfish behavior, ogling of other women, mood swings, and refusal to live with you. There's nothing wrong with venting, we're here for that, but at some point you have to step up and take responsibility for your own happiness. You talk about how "good" you are together and yet he treats you with little or no respect. Two weeks of good behavior does not a life make. If he truly loved you, he would set aside his selfish desires and be the husband that you need. He should have never married you knowing that you have children if he thought he couldn't live with you. Going over to his house to cook for him is just signing off on his very selfish action.

Do you see an endgame in all this? Do you think that once your children are gone that he'll move back in? That he will suddenly wake up and see the light? If he's not predisposed to seek treatment, there isn't any light, unfortunately. It is painful. It's clear that you feel a lot of pain, but you can stop it. I don't want to mean or harsh, but it's so frustrating to come on here and see you going through the same stuff time and time again. There's no rhyme or reason. Are you afraid to be alone? In my mind, being alone is a bajillion times better than what this guy does to you. ADHD or not, he does not respect and respect is a core tenant of a loving relationship.

I thought you had decided to formally separate from him. Why didn't you follow through? You seem like a capable woman.

hey dazedandconfused,

Sorry about the late reply,I am so busy with work and all that I hardly got the time to vent lately.you have many questions that I am going to answer for you right now.

NO,he has no yet seek therapy or meds.YES,he has spoken to me about his ADHD and the required help but never follow through because he lacks the focus and the drive to do so.

NO,I have not left him because I am not at that place in my heart yet,lately things are not soooo bad,it is the same of course that would never change,but I am not seeing any main reason (why) AT THE MOMENT to LEAVE my spouse.I don't think that it is great for him to continue treating me with total disrespect,but I have come to my own understanding that if I sit him down and talk very nicely of my hurts and pains and the things that he is doing to upset our marriage he would some how be very reluctant at first then I see him making some sort of effort not to do the things to hurt me,but of course they never really last long.

I am not sure really right now that I am going to separate from him,maybe one day,but my time has not come for that yet.

thanks for giving your wonderful advice,I appreciate it very much.all the best to you.

lovehurts.

 

co-dependency

Lovehurts, maybe I am way off base here, and maybe it is none of my business, but you asked: I think you should read everything you can find about being co-dependent.    

I have seen your posts here for a while now. I hope you don't mind me being blunt. You say that you won't accept bullying, yet you are staying with this person who is bullying you, over and over again. You say he makes you feel like dirt. He plays games. You wrote an earlier post about him trapping you in bed and not letting you get up, and chasing you (which is assault, by the way). I agree that he sounds like he has some serious things going on, maybe more than just ADHD. 

Ask yourself--are you willing to live this way forever? Are you afraid of being alone? You are married, and you found a girl in his apartment? And you go cook for him? Why, exactly, do you need this? I agree completely with Dazedandconfused. Being alone is a million times better than being abused and mistreated. 

And to answer your question, as the second one to say the harsh truth, it is not going to stop. 

Lovehurts

I will echo lynninny.  From what you write, it seems like you really do want someone to give you the "permission", kick in the pants to move on from your unloving husband.  Even your name "lovehurst" tells us what you want.  Ask yourself.  "What is keeping me with this man?"  And don't say that you LOVE him.  No one would love a man like that as you have been describing him.  What keeps you connected?  What are you afraid of?

all true,

Thanks to both of you for writing the facts to me.

your question,jennalemon(what's keeping me connected)well,there is one thing that I can say is that he is a bully,an abuser(verbally) most of the times,but he also treats me very good.This might sounds stupid,but in all my life of dating I had a very hard life when it came to relationships and NONE was good.I am not putting all the blame on anyone but rather looking back to see,IF the problem is/was me. most of the times it was both parties at fault in my previous relations with my ex husband,but as I look back at that and I am not making any comparison with one or the other but trying to figure out if I am the wrong here completely.but now that I am much older and looking back at that time and being in this time with my present husband I can clearly see how DYSFUNCTIONAL and ARROGANT my husband now really is.But,he also has this great side where he would be the best lover,the best husband,the best of everything,it's nothing I have ever before experience with NO one and that is what keeping me connected.Maybe,just maybe if I had ONE good relationship before my husband I would not feel so trap between good and bad and I would have clearly known that this is not good for me and move on with my life.I have lost all hopes in the rest of society(men)THINKING there is nothing left for me,and I know that is not so.My mother always tells me that I am looking in all the wrong places,but really I am not.I never went looking for my husband and BOOM! he was there right at my breakfast(cafe).It's really a matter of when.and I can safely tell you that am not going to spend the rest of my life with him,only a matter of time when we part ways,I would go too much in to details about that but when we do,I will explain to you another reason why I am not leaving him just yet.(what are you afraid of?)well,when it is over,and whenever that is I will explain myself better and you would understand.Thanks for being there for me,both of you.

lovehurts.

I totally understand where

I totally understand where you are at... I spent 20 years of my life with someone like this...you find yourself sad, alone and questioning your own sanity.    Dont beat yourself up... and while I understand its the disease not the person doing this.. it still doesnt take away the fact that you are a victim too...  I decided I wasnt taking it anymore... scary leap to be starting over at 45 but I no longer feel like Im drowning... hang in there.. you will make the move when its right for you..