In our last angry discussion, my spouse growled at me, "What do you ever do for me?" I said, "I do your laundry. . . .", and he cut me off before the whole word 'laundry' got off my lips and said, "I don't need you to do my laundry. I can do my own laundry."
So, I have not done any of his laundry since. He has no clean undershirts. No clean socks. No clean work pants or work shirts. One lone pair of clean underwear. Yesterday he asked if I knew where his old uniform pants were, because he couldn't find them and said, "I don't want to wear my good jeans to work." And today the whole thing is churning around in my heart and mind and soul. I do not want to go back to being the "parent". I NOW feel like this is some sort of stupid mind game - and maybe it is. Maybe I have played it wrong up until now. Maybe I am being immature.
What I want - is validation from him regarding having clean laundry without having to think twice.
What I want - is validation for my own choice in loving the 'housewife' role.
What I want - is a way to have a conversation where my thoughts and ideals are validated.
What I want - is when conflict arises, not needing to walk away from his controlling anger.
What I want - is him to not be who he is. Yep. I sure do. I am tired of holding his stuff/junk/hoarding at bay. Trying to keep it all contained so it does not overrun our whole yard. His stuff/junk/hoarding, just like his fear/loneliness/frustration that looks a lot like anger, is oozing out all over the place and cannot be contained. I just have to back away.
"We teach people how to treat us." I only want to look at my part. What I did. What I didn't do. My anger tells me, "Just kick his sorry butt to the curb." But my heart tells me, "You need to find a way to go your own way without blaming him."
Does he really want to be alone in the barn with his stuff?
He says he does.
I have built my side of our relationship for the past 31 years. I have focused on the past three years on editing what I see "I" need to change. What I choose to do. How I respond. What I tolerate.
And I am darn bitter that what I thought would happen, has not. Oh no, it is not that "Once I started to do things differently, things would get better." Our life has worked its way to such a fevered pitch, that I am thoroughly disappointed in each failure I make in doing life better - as far as my marriage is concerned.
Maybe what I hoped and dreamed and though could be possible is in actuality just impossible.
I read that "You cannot get blood from a turpnip." That is because a turnip has no blood to give. So I work on trying to not expect something that is impossible to get.