In our last angry discussion, my spouse growled at me, "What do you ever do for me?" I said, "I do your laundry. . . .", and he cut me off before the whole word 'laundry' got off my lips and said, "I don't need you to do my laundry. I can do my own laundry."
So, I have not done any of his laundry since. He has no clean undershirts. No clean socks. No clean work pants or work shirts. One lone pair of clean underwear. Yesterday he asked if I knew where his old uniform pants were, because he couldn't find them and said, "I don't want to wear my good jeans to work." And today the whole thing is churning around in my heart and mind and soul. I do not want to go back to being the "parent". I NOW feel like this is some sort of stupid mind game - and maybe it is. Maybe I have played it wrong up until now. Maybe I am being immature.
What I want - is validation from him regarding having clean laundry without having to think twice.
What I want - is validation for my own choice in loving the 'housewife' role.
What I want - is a way to have a conversation where my thoughts and ideals are validated.
What I want - is when conflict arises, not needing to walk away from his controlling anger.
What I want - is him to not be who he is. Yep. I sure do. I am tired of holding his stuff/junk/hoarding at bay. Trying to keep it all contained so it does not overrun our whole yard. His stuff/junk/hoarding, just like his fear/loneliness/frustration that looks a lot like anger, is oozing out all over the place and cannot be contained. I just have to back away.
"We teach people how to treat us." I only want to look at my part. What I did. What I didn't do. My anger tells me, "Just kick his sorry butt to the curb." But my heart tells me, "You need to find a way to go your own way without blaming him."
Does he really want to be alone in the barn with his stuff?
He says he does.
I have built my side of our relationship for the past 31 years. I have focused on the past three years on editing what I see "I" need to change. What I choose to do. How I respond. What I tolerate.
And I am darn bitter that what I thought would happen, has not. Oh no, it is not that "Once I started to do things differently, things would get better." Our life has worked its way to such a fevered pitch, that I am thoroughly disappointed in each failure I make in doing life better - as far as my marriage is concerned.
Maybe what I hoped and dreamed and though could be possible is in actuality just impossible.
I read that "You cannot get blood from a turpnip." That is because a turnip has no blood to give. So I work on trying to not expect something that is impossible to get.
I hope you can find Peace!
Submitted by c ur self on
You sound like an awesome wife...Hear's a suggestion: It helped us: Do what ever it takes to put to death the first 5 words of your post....It is making a huge difference in our marriage, and our lives...We are actually becoming friends :). We are learning how to communicate all over again...because the LORD knows we had it all screwed up before...We were never able to grow or progress as long as anger, arguing and interruptions was ever present...I don't want to sound like the great humble one, but I had to get as scared of conflict as if it was a Grizzly Bear! It sounds like you would love a little affirmation...If he wears enough dirty clothes to work...You may get it...
Grace to you!
Working hard at it
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I have been reading the book The Dance of Anger. I would so very much love to have anger gone. My spouse is angry all the time, and it is very hard to get away from it.
It is a tough decision to determine if I am stuffing my feeling or purposely choosing to stay away from anger. There is only so much conflict that I am willing to ignore. It is a happy place here if I never complain, never stand up for my self, never want to have my own way, never have an opinion, never deal with any issues. A person can only hid from issues for so long before they find you.
Yes, affirmation would be nice. I was quite shocked - pleasantly pleased - that he did some of his own laundry yesterday. He never specifically mentioned that there were no clean clothes. He never mentioned he was doing his own laundry. I just came home to the sound of the dryer's End-of-Cycle-Buzzer.
Two thoughts come to mind
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Hi - two ideas come to mind...you need to step away in order to allow space for your partner to take care of himself. This should help your relationship (and if he says - hey, this laundry stuff is hard/takes too much time, then he'll ask you to help again...
Second, what's important from his "I can do my own laundry" growl isn't the first part, it's the unspoken part, which is "what I really want from you instead of laundry is X" Once you know what the X is, you will be better able to address his needs which, in turn, helps him feel less growly and ready to address yours.
Curses, it IS the unspoken part
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
It IS the lack of intimacy. Make no mistake, I greatly miss this part of our relationship too. But I feel used and cannot find a speck of attraction to being intimate with him. I have missed something, somewhere, somehow. I tried too hard and it didn't work. All my focus on men's need for physical intimacy, and doing my duty as a Christian wife has turned me upside down and inside out. I need too, dag nab it. I need, desperately.