It sometimes feels, however, that there is no thought behind the gift.
My wife gave me a custom made string tie for my birthday. I have no idea why she would think I would want a string tie. We live in the northeast. Neither of us is into country music. Where am I going to wear a string tie? This was a milestone birthday, BTW.
A few years ago, she surprised me on my birthday by taking me to the Renaissance Fair. She had previously talked about the Renaissance Fair over the years and I had repeatedly made it clear that it did not sound like something that would interest me. It was a case of giving Marge the bowling ball. (Our son has tried this on her--attempting to get me to buy a video game system for him to give to his mother!)
I always try to buy something that shows that I listen and know who she is. For her last birthday, for example, I got tickets to one of her favorite singers at an intimate venue. Many of her gifts have felt like she is actively not listening to me.
BTW, I still haven't gotten the gifts she promised for Father's Day and our last anniversary.
Yeah been there done that. I
Submitted by Libby on
Yeah been there done that. I am a very simple person. I do not wear jewelry. We do not do fancy dressup but one year my DH have me an extremely expensive tennis bracelet for Christmas. Really?!? Where he thought I would wear this I really don't know. Am the same as you. I put a lot of thought into the gifts I give to him. To not have that reciprocated feels neglectful.
The thought.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
The last Christmas with my then husband, he got me a bunch of gifts that would have been perfect ...for his Mother. I was 45 at the time and the clothes/earrings and perfume were something an "old lady" would wear. I didn't understand how we could spend close to 20 years together, and him not have a clue as to what I liked. He didn't have ADHD to use as a reason for not paying attention. I anticipated his needs in advance, as I always do with the people I love.
Gifts are hard
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I can empathize with this! My husband has never gotten me thoughtful gifts. About a decade ago, I cut out gift giving with him completely because I couldn't take it anymore. I would spend time and money getting him things he really wanted or something very thoughtful while he would give me nothing, a last-minute-Christmas-Eve-special (not at all tailored to who I am), or at his worst... cash. Yes, he actually gave me cash once. I tried being assertive and spelling out exactly what I wanted, but found that didn't work either. So now I insist that our family goes out for a nice dinner on my birthday instead. That way the control's all mine and at least I get a wonderful meal and a night off of cooking. Ha ha. And I also don't hesitate to buy myself something I want around my birthday and Christmas because I know he won't. But this still hurts deeply when I see all the love in the gifts given and received around me by our family and friends. I want that.
Sorry about the string tie. That is sure... an interesting choice!
Gifts....
Submitted by c ur self on
Gifts use to be easy in my youth and w/ my first wife for the most part....Gifts are very difficult now days w/ certain people because of certain reason....I find selfish or self absorbed people very hard to buy for and mostly a waste of time....First I'm not a mind reader, second, any time selfishness out weighs thankfulness in a heart, attempts at giving gifts usually turn out to just be another negative....
I decided this past Christmas that I was just going to stop attempting surprise giving (unless it's something small, or something I've heard through the grape vine is wanted)....We have 4 adult children (28, 32, 37, & 40) and each have unique likes and dislikes...The boys 28, 32, will tell you what they want....The youngest girl 37 will also work w/ me on her stuff...The oldest girl 40 is difficult to buy for...So she also needs to be with me for purchases :)....The three grand children 11, 7, 3, are still easy to shop for...They haven't learned to be selfish in that arena yet...So they are still happy and thankful for gifts....
I'm not into stuff for stuff sake...I'm the kind of Dad who likes to inquire and purchase useful items (needs)....Except w/ my wife...But like I said above...I've got a new plan for her....She will be with me when I buy her a material gift....(I will still surprise her w/ a few things I know she loves, but that's it..)
I suggest you wear the bolo tie when you and your wife go out for a nice dinner next time....See what she thinks...:)...I'm from Alabama...I would put own a white button down, the bolo tie, w/ my sports coat, jeans and boots and go anywhere....
But I understand exactly the dynamic you and the other posters are speaking about here.....Exactly! LOL....But you know, I am finally learning how to deal w/ certain things, how to laugh at certain things, and how to see the reality of certain things...Without taking on any negative feelings about it....I think so much of my internal conflict early on, (and even recently) was created by the little stories (dynamics that happen between us, because of our huge differences in what we think life should be like, or how it's lived anyway) like you have posted here petunias....For me these days I've decided that every thing must end well...What I mean by that is....Acceptance of what she or others justify, and are willing to argue about, or show high emotion about....Right or Wrong it must end...Life is just to precious and to short to attempt to explain to another adult that their choices are causing all of their problems...(It's all self inflicted)....What my eyes have eventually opened to is...My attempts to point this out to a mind that is closed off to any willingness to consider their ways, if it means them changing their behaviors, was my own self inflicted hells....The miracle of all of this seems to be the desire for change has come, w/ my quietness, kindness, and walking away, when words are behaviors are selfish in nature, and do not produce respect, and loving unity....So because of God's faithfulness and the effect of the many boundaries I have placed on myself, (and her) it seems my wife doesn't want left out of my life after all....She has been kind, aware, and loving...She still has high level add, and always will in her fleshly mind...But that never has been the main problem in our relationship...The main problem has always been selfishness, denial, and faulty priorities...God is good!
c
I love giving gifts and am
Submitted by Sollertiae on
I love giving gifts and am good at it. I give them to my partner, my friends, family. I do not expect anything in return, but if someone does give me something then I value it for the attempt and effort made.
For my friends with ADHD I find them generous and good at gift giving when they do not have a deadline to remember, or when it intersects with an area of hyperfocus. So I accept those and take them in the spirit they are meant - 'here, I thought of you when I was doing this (or I wished you here) and maybe this might help?' The one who randomly turned up with bandages and plane things when I hurt myself? Still wins.
My partner knows that simply him managing to focus on me for an entire day or week is the best thing he could possibly give me, everything else is simply garnish (he loves giving me pencils, lol). I know what it costs. And he is allowed to be late with that.