I somehow thought that my husband was past the "I don't love you anymore and want a divorce thing". I guess I was just believing what I wanted to believe.
I have been on this site before and gotten a lot of wonderful advice and I really am trying to follow. Just a short background…Walked away from emotionally unavailable husband after last straw moment in May and move to parents w/ 4 year old daughter. He pursues like crazy but I don’t believe him because promises have been made time and time again and never kept. I come to my senses about breaking up 4 year old dauthers family and come back on June 21 completely commited to making my marriage work. My husband now has, in the meantime, had an affair (which he says since ended) and doesn’t want reconciliation, makes appointment at mediator, we go, he changes tune slightly and says he will try, we go to counseling and Retrouvaille (crisis marriage encounter). Come back from Retrouvaille on 9/13 in worse shape than going in and he is adamant that marriage is over and wants out but has no money to leave our house. Since then, we are living like friends with benefits. He comes and goes as he pleases, joins daughter and I on family things when and if he wants, is affectionate when he wants to be and cold when he wants to be. Is overspending his own money and dipping into “ours” even though he was adiment about getting his own checking account. He is ADHD w/ depression issues so sometimes life skills are hard for him and checking accounts are just NOT his thing.
Last night, out of the blue, during a mundane convo, H says that he is just “there in the house because he can’t afford to move and still wants a D”. My response was “and why do you want the D?” He said “Cuz Im not happy”. My response was “Have you considered the fact that the marriage isn’t whats making you unhappy but, perhaps, internal issues such as ADHD/depression are making you unhappy”. He said “Yes, I have considered that”. I asked what the next steps where and he said that he didn’t have any plan to leave due to finances and he felt that it was best for all of us if he stayed to help financially until all debts were paid off and he could leave when he was financially ready. I said nothing more, went upstairs, he came upstairs, climbed into bed and pleasantly chatted with me until he went to sleep.
How do I deal with this? I cannot move out of the bedroom. My 4 year old was so freaked out that we were sleeping in different bedrooms that it was painful for both of us to watch her so sad and unhappy. We live in the same house, eat meals together, do things together…but, ultimately, he’s just waiting to divorce me. I mean, how to I mentally deal with that. All this time I have working hard on me, my issues, my part in the breakdown of everything, therapy, getting my own life, interests and detaching. Where do I go from here? I mean, if you want to leave me…LEAVE. Don’t stay and stay and once I work my *ss off to get our debts paid off, THEN you’ll leave? I have a 2 year plan for the debt repayment and I am the one with full responsibility for that. He simply can’t handle the finances. Heck, this past week he didn't even give me the full part of his budget deposit so I was left to find the other $100 that needed to go to mortgage payment. He said he overspent and doesn’t have it…which I can’t prove because I have no access to any of his accounts. UGH…advice please…just a little lost and frankly very sad today. Trying to stay positive but it’s getting hard. I'm finding it sooo difficult to set boundries with a man that is so very much in my life, in my home and emeshed in our finances. I really do appreciate that he feels the sense of responsibility to us financially and, for him, that a BIG deal. I also feel that I need him to understand that he can't just "use" me to get to a better financial place and then leave. That's very, very wrong. The issue is though, that i will be financially broken if he does leave. All debt is in my name and if he walks away, my credit and everything I've work for will be lost. This is just so hard and I love him so much.
Erwin gave me wonderful advice about preparing for a life without him and I'm really trying to do that emotionally but living in this house KNOWING he's going to leave is almost like having an fatal illness and waiting for death. The hope that he will get the help he really needs is just a dream of mine and I am almost certain that he won't. As far as our daughter goes, I'm really trying to do the best I can for her not to feel any of this but I know she is. She is 4 but I know that even though we are amicable, we aren't modeling a loving, healthy relationship for her. That said, I read this on a SmartMarriages website and really thought it sort of explained best where my head is at in terms of my daughter and wanting to save her family for her...even if it means that I'm unhappy:
“I'm not advocating for loveless marriages. But it's also the case that marriage
doesn't make us happy every day. No marriage does, but your marriage serves
as so much more than just a vehicle for immediate individual adult needs. It makes
one world for your child, and children will tell you that means everything to them.”
(Elizabeth Marquardt, Between Two Worlds)
I know she won’t understand for a while but she will know someday that I did everything I could to save our family because I knew it meant the world to her….and that meant the world to me.
Thanks for listening....grateful