I just can't keep hoping that he is going to get his shit together. He was fired from his job in April and his severance pay runs out Aug 15th. He has applied for one job. He has been not working for 10 weeks and he has applied for *one* job. I worked 7:30 to 6:30 on Monday and when I got home he said what should we do for dinner? I thought to myself well you've been home for the last 11 hours and I've been at work. I said tacos. He said no tacos are too much work. I said ok, pancakes from a mix. He said will you do the dishes and I'll make dinner. I said ok and I started unloading the dw and he started complaining about being the only one who takes out the recycling. I said I suggested a long time ago that we do the recycling together every Sat morning but you said you didn't want to do that. I said it's irritating when I get home from an 11 hour work day and you ask me what should we have for dinner? and there's dirty dishes all over the kitchen. He said well I'm trying to find a job. I said ok how many job applications have you actually submitted? And then he said he wasn't going to talk to me about it and he left. He came back later. Tuesday he told me that he isn't going to answer any questions about his job search bc the only reason I'm asking about it is so I can make him feel bad about his lack of progress. I said the reason I am asking is because I cannot pay the rent on my income alone and we will be evicted.
He said I can't ask him what his plans are because it stresses him out. I said if being asked questions is too stressful for him then he should move out. He said he shouldn't have to be the one to move out and if I'm unhappy I should move out. I said it is unfair and selfish for him to refuse to do anything to make our situation better and also refuse to leave. He said I am a jerk for saying he is selfish.
I am unhappy, worn out, exasperated, and angry. One minute I am sobbing and the next minute I want to get out the scissors and cut his clothes to shreds.
I set up Alexa to play She's Leaving Me Because She Really Wants To every time I walk in the door. It started playing before I opened the door tonight. He complained. I said oh, you like my new theme song? Feel free to turn up the volume so you can hear it better.
My ex-husband was unemployed
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex-husband was unemployed for many years. I tried to not ask him whether he had applied for jobs because I knew it didn't "help" when I did, but me NOT asking didn't make a difference. He just didn't want to look for work. He also didn't do more housework when he was unemployed and I was working.
Daizzebelle, you are doing the right thing
Submitted by sickandtired on
I have read over your past posts, and it seems to me that you have bent over backwards to help him. You have sacrificed your peace of mind to someone who is incapable of appreciating your efforts, and he’s incapable of seeing that he’s hurting you. Getting out is absolutely the only healthy alternative you have left. You have to protect yourself. I was in a similar relationship, and I can tell you the breakup can be messy, and take time. My exB was completely dependent on me because of his choice to not work or even look for work for over 11 years. He quit his job because he couldn’t get along with his boss only a few months after moving in with me. Bottom line was, I threw him out of my home after a particularly loud tantrum from him that ended with him locking himself in his room for 2 solid days (Not even coming out for bathroom breaks!) like a stubborn child. After I finally got him out of my house, instead of moving back across the country to his house, he stowed away for weeks in the neighboring town in my vacation house! These types don’t like it when their mate/mommy/meal ticket/ATM says “No more!”, and they will do anything, shamelessly, to keep that dependent parent child relationship alive, whether you want it or not. What I am trying to warn you is that just because you decide it is over, your spouse might fight desperately to keep you in his life, solving his problems and sheltering him of the natural consequences of his self sabotaging behavior. Please set up a separate bank account and have a plan and a safe place so that you can be in control of your new life. You will be amazed when you are free from his chaos. After getting out and gaining some perspective, I wondered how in the hell I had tolerated all of the dysfunction, the financial chaos, the anger, the huge mess of unfinished projects, the junk, the constantly negative victim role he constantly projected. You will feel SO MUCH BETTER once you take control of your life.
Thank you ❤
Submitted by daizzebelle on
Thankfully we've always had separate bank accounts. Yes, I am exhausted by his refusal to problem solve. I agree, he is desperate to avoid the natural consequences of refusing to take care of his own life. It is unbelievable. I just can't wrap my head around it. Why would any sane person choose a life of chaos when they have other choices available to them? It is maddening. I know I have to let go. Someone told me a long time ago "you can't reason with illogical."
i think you answered your own question
Submitted by sickandtired on
A sane person would not behave like this. I suspect you will have a very difficult time getting him to physically move out of your home. Does he have other family to take him in? My exBF went to live with his cousin after our breakup, but then he and his cousin’s wife didn’t get along, so he blamed his cousin for choosing his wife over him! So now he has alienated yet another person in his life who tried to help him. Please be prepared for a huge guilt trip from him, or even more frustrating, when he tries to convince you he suddenly “gets it”, and vows to change and take responsibility for his behavior after you serve him divorce papers. I believe that people with this diagnosis are incapable of any lasting positive changes. My exBF is still unemployed, living in a camper after I broke up with him in early 2015. They don’t change, except getting even worse with age. I don’t know how old you are but he was 59 at the time of the breakup. I am 64 now, and after getting out of this horribly depressing and stressful relationship, I took some time to heal and regroup, and then was lucky enough to meet a wonderful, mentally healthy man who has a successful career. I feel like I am in heaven because he contributes financially, has a positive attitude, puts time into showing his love for me, really listens to me and respects me, plans vacations and special dates AND he loves to cook! We have been joyfully married for 2 years. If I can make these global changes in my life at my age, so can you! HUGS!
Wow!
Submitted by daizzebelle on
I am so encouraged by your new happy life. That is wonderful! I believe that people can find love at any age. My great aunt was married for 60 years, widowed at 78, and married her high school sweetheart at the age of 80.
My concern is that I have a track record of choosing people who are incapable of loving me. My college boyfriend was an addict. He is dead now. He killed his ex wife and himself. I left my first husband because he hurt our daughter. He had a psych eval and was diagnosed with a personality disorder. After I left him he was fired from his job for physically and verbally abusing his staff, stealing from his employer, insurance fraud, and arson to name a few.
So I guess husband #2 was an improvement? Ha ha.
Yes, my H does have family
Submitted by daizzebelle on
He can stay with his dad for a while. Neither of us can afford our apartment on our own so we will both have to move out. If I could I would avoid the hassle of moving by finding a roommate to move in and share expenses, but the apartment is too small.
Very Insightful!
Submitted by sickandtired on
It’s good that you are aware that your choices have been for uncaring partners. You need to start recognizing the red flags that will present themselves if you meet another Mr Wrong. For example, I should have heeded my gut feelings on my first vacation with exBF. We were driving on the interstate, and he saw a car that had been pulled over. He spent the next HOUR driving, talking about how he HATES cops. He got himself all worked up about being once ‘victimized’ by a cop when he was a teenager, because a cop gave him a speeding ticket after following him into his parents driveway. “I was on private property!”, he screamed, like it was happening right now instead of 45 years ago! I was so much in the honeymoon phase, I just wrote that off, assuming he was truly traumatized by the experience in his past. I didn’t realize he was chronically angry at ALL authority figures. Red Flag #2 was that he had not spoken to his parents in over 20 years. He told me they abused him by making him go to church and cramming their religion down his throat, and not sparing the rod. I should have recognized this as his victim role in which he views the entire world. I wrote it off as religious extremists trying to control him. Poor him! I thought. Red flag #3 was when he quit his construction job a couple of months after moving in with me. He said his boss was a tyrant, and I fell for that blame shifting too.
I didn’t realize he had mental health issues until he ran through the house with a gun threatening to kill MY brother. I still did not fear for myself, even though my niece and my best friend both warned me that he was verbally abusive and a ticking time bomb. He had more than just ADHD going on. I was afraid to break up with him at that point because even though we were both totally miserable, every time it was close to being over, he would threaten suicide if he thought I was close to dumping him. That was red flag #4.
Please analyze your relationship patterns, autopsy your current marriage, and see if you can identify any red flags you might have missed. This analysis of red flags helped me choose my new husband. I looked past his good looks and material possessions, noting that he had a lot of friends, a good outlook on life, a good reputation in the community, and a stable career. This way, I was able to see that he could get along with others, solve his own problems, and look at life as a gift instead of a depressing prison like my ex did. Being around a happy person like my new husband makes it so much easier for me to be happy, and gives me a much more positive outlook on the world.
Red Flags.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
After my divorce, I was hyper-vigilant about looking for red flags, so that I wouldn't get sucked in again...
The one lesson I learned is to not isolate myself from my family and friends, and talk about things going on in my life and current relationship. I never let on how bad things were with my ex, and it cost me. I didn't have a good support system in place, and everyone was blindsided when I filed for divorce.
Ugh. I'm sorry poison ivy.
Submitted by daizzebelle on
What is it with these people who feel no shame about freeloading while their partners do all the work? Makes me crazy.
Big hugs, Daizzebelle
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
So sorry for what you have been through. I'll bet the year-from-now you will feel free and so thankful that present-day-you made this difficult decision. Wishing you strength as you work through this. As someone contemplating leaving, I would love to hear your thoughts post-separation if you're up for sharing. Wishing you the very best.
Thank you Melody ❤
Submitted by daizzebelle on
I know that you are in a tough situation also. Hugs ❤