Hi everyone: Don't know where to start but I'll do my best to keep the backstory short. I'm non-ADHD spouse in 7th year of marriage. I married him for all the wrong reasons. The co-dependant, low self esteem part of my fell in love with the the over the top 2 year courtship never stopping once to think that anything was wrong. Yes, he played some video games. Yes, he had trouble keeping things organized but I was there to help him with all of that and the level of adoration, commitment, love, sex, romance that I got in return seemed like a great payoff. Got married, got pregnant within weeks (I was 38) and had a baby all in one year. He literally shut down on our honeymoon. He slept for most of the first two days and pouted the next 3. I had no clue what was happening. He has been in shut down mode ever sense. Was diagnosed with ADHD and depression our 3rd year in. He took his pills and thought all was great because he could focus better. I would nag, rant, rave, beg, plead for him to spend time with me and do family things but he was into his video game (World of Warcraft) and addicted to porn, etc. We have sex about twice a year now...if that. 3 years ago this Valentines day, I had had enough. I told him that I wanted out and moved out, with my daughter, to my parents. He went into a tail spin, ended up in a psych unit and then when he came out, found a new love interest and started having an affair. All the time, my 3 year old was MISERABLE. My mother was telling me that I was making the wrong move and I listened to my child cry for her father every night. It was three months of hell. Finally, I decided I had to go back, by then he wanted out to be with this woman and started divorce proceedings. We pulled it out of the fire and we've been on cruise control ever sense. We were going regularly to see an ADHD coach together (me to additional private sessions). Things started to feel better. Not a lot had changed but it helped me understand what was going on. He stopped wanting to go about 9 months ago and we've been in a steady decline ever sense. I've stayed in this marriage to provide one world for my child. It's very, very low conflict in that we don't fight, bicker, argue...EVER. The house is calm. I thought calm was all that was needed. I thought I could make up for the rest of the attention she wasnt' getting from him. Two days ago my daughter actually said to him "Don't yell at me, you're always playing THE GAME, what do you care". His answer was "I'm not always on the game". She emphatically said "YES, YOU ARE". Truth is, if he's not playing the game from the time he gets home 3pm until 10pm at night, he's obsessing over building RC cars. All of this happens downstairs completely away from us. Most days I don't even get a hello when I come home from work. Yesterday, on the way to a playdate, my daughter asked why I was driving and not Daddy and I told he was at work and I joked and said "Hey, what am I chopped liver?". She said, "No, no momma. It's just that you're ALWAYS with me. I just get disappointed that I don't see Daddy." She paused and said "Ya know, it's like you guys are divorced. You just live in the same house and aren't mad at each other". I was speachless. THIS is what I've been teaching her. This is what my mom taught me. Well, it ends with me. I won't do this anymore. I'm worth more and so is my daugther. I mentioned it to my husband and he had no comments. I prompted him for one and he said "Well, she's 6, what does she know". And with that....I"M DONE. I have a lot of work dto do between now and leaving but I'm starting the work right now. I'll be going to a CODA meeting next week, I'm going to get to a therapist to only work on myself (don't working on him or marriage issues). The bottom line is that I know he's here, that he would prefer to stay married, he holds a job, and he fully admitts he has ADHD and takes meds and all....but it's not enough. He says he sees how it affects us but he's just simply unable or unwilling to put in the work it would take to make this better. I acknowlege that 50% of this is me also. I'm codependant to the core, I am addicted to food (i go to OA meetings to deal with that), I have self esteem issues and I'm a horrible speller (sorry, moment of levity). I take 100% accountability for my 50%. I deserve someone who takes accountability for there "stuff" too. My daughter doesn't deserve to have a dad in the house that isn't present. I used to think that just being here was good enough but now I see that we are doing more damage than good. I'm going to set up a meeting with out ADHD coach/marriage counselor to talk about the end. If he chooses to step up, great. But as it stands right now, I'm going to make my life with him or without him. This is about me and my daughter. Nothing has been about me in a very, very long time. I just have to stay on the path to get help for my issues. If I don't, I will be stuck in this patteren forever and my daughter will marry a man just like this....JUST LIKE I MARRIED A MAN JUST LIKE MY DAD. Like I said, it ends with me. One thing that I do need advice on....how do I stop doing all the things I used to do for him. If i don't do the money/bills, he will ruin us. Even with me in control, he manage to spend $650 on RC car parts this month. He spent his bonus at work instead of giving it to the household account like he said. So, unless I want to lose the house and car, I have to do that for him. So do I only buy enough groceries for Victoria and I? Do I just not cook for him or do his laundry or remind him he has to refill his pills, or to set his alarm to get up in the morning. Or that he hasn't eaten cuz he's been on the game for 12 hours? Is THAT the type of stuff that I'm supposed to detach from?
Thanks for listening!!! Sorry it was so long. Gina B