Before I begin, read this with the understanding that I know I have created many our problems but I think that the first domino that broke down in our marriage was the ADD aspect of my wife.
We've been married for 26 years. Initially, my wife was very sexual, creative and a thrill seeker. It didn't take long into our marriage for her to simply 'forget' sex and then get mad when after 5 days I was in need.
Fast forward 15 years and my wife was in full depression and had an emotional affair. Having already felt a deep sense of loneliness and shame for being blamed for every one of her ADD traits, I lost it when I found her affair. I had a full meltdown and began doing everything I never did in regard to sex, drugs, drinking, etc. We even became swingers for about 5 years. This is where I REALLY started to notice that my wife was significantly different than other women and it wasn't about the sex.
When we were with other couples, the women I was with were capable, understanding and 'saw' me. I was astounded! They actually remembered what I liked, disliked and more importantly acted on that. If I liked my food a certain way, they cooked it that way. I had never had this. My wife forgets our conversations within a few weeks of whatever it is we discuss. From what I understand, if a couple talks about sex and says that they like some things and dislike other things, they work them out. With my wife, it's as if I never said them. It's not even 'Oh, crap, you did say that and I forgot'. It's really as if I NEVER said anything.
Needless to say, I was able to connect with the swinging women like I never could with my wife. For those of you judging me right now, I am right there with you. As a matter of fact, I realized that I didn't really want to swing but I did want to have a connection during sex. I realized that I was a one woman man. My problem was that my wife isn't really there so I'm never more than alone. The little connection we have has always been conflict. If I say black, she MUST say white. It doesn't seem to matter what the subject matter is. It's funny, because I get along SO WELL with everyone else in my life. Differences of opinion are merely points of a discussion. With my wife, it's always personal.
So there is the back story.
Today, I have no sexual desire for my wife. I can't connect. It's like trying to have sex with an absent minded, bratty little kid. What's worse is that I get blamed because she has ADD so it's my responsibility to make sure sex happens. If she does initiate sex, she NEVER does what I like in bed or RARELY (and I mean once a year if lucky) does anything to try and turn me on. If I try to negotiate, communicate and make compromises, they all disappear within a few weeks. So we always bounce back to doing things her way. Imagine your spouse wants to pour hot wax on you during sex and you say you don't like it so it stops for a few weeks. But then a few weeks in, the hot wax is out and your spouse has no recollection of your request to avoid hot wax!
What do you do with the fact that you are now SOOOO DEEEPLY turned off?
Today we got into a HUGE fight because I don't want sex. All I hear is that I have to anyway because it's not her fault she's ADD. She never gets that her ADD affects me.
Does anyone have any suggestions?