I've lost my desire to have sex with my ADD wife. Any suggestions?

Before I begin, read this with the understanding that I know I have created many our problems but I think that the first domino that broke down in our marriage was the ADD aspect of my wife.

We've been married for 26 years. Initially, my wife was very sexual, creative and a thrill seeker. It didn't take long into our marriage for her to simply 'forget' sex and then get mad when after 5 days I was in need. 

Fast forward 15 years and my wife was in full depression and had an emotional affair. Having already felt a deep sense of loneliness and shame for being blamed for every one of her ADD traits, I lost it when I found her affair. I had a full meltdown and began doing everything I never did in regard to sex, drugs, drinking, etc. We even became swingers for about 5 years. This is where I REALLY started to notice that my wife was significantly different than other women and it wasn't about the sex. 

When we were with other couples, the women I was with were capable, understanding and 'saw' me. I was astounded! They actually remembered what I liked, disliked and more importantly acted on that. If I liked my food a certain way, they cooked it that way. I had never had this. My wife forgets our conversations within a few weeks of whatever it is we discuss. From what I understand, if a couple talks about sex and says that they like some things and dislike other things, they work them out. With my wife, it's as if I never said them. It's not even 'Oh, crap, you did say that and I forgot'. It's really as if I NEVER said anything. 

Needless to say, I was able to connect with the swinging women like I never could with my wife. For those of you judging me right now, I am right there with you. As a matter of fact, I realized that I didn't really want to swing but I did want to have a connection during sex. I realized that I was a one woman man. My problem was that my wife isn't really there so I'm never more than alone. The little connection we have has always been conflict. If I say black, she MUST say white. It doesn't seem to matter what the subject matter is. It's funny, because I get along SO WELL with everyone else in my life. Differences of opinion are merely points of a discussion. With my wife, it's always personal. 

So there is the back story. 

Today, I have no sexual desire for my wife. I can't connect. It's like trying to have sex with an absent minded, bratty little kid. What's worse is that I get blamed because she has ADD so it's my responsibility to make sure sex happens. If she does initiate sex, she NEVER does what I like in bed or RARELY (and I mean once a year if lucky) does anything to try and turn me on. If I try to negotiate, communicate and make compromises, they all disappear within a few weeks. So we always bounce back to doing things her way. Imagine your spouse wants to pour hot wax on you during sex and you say you don't like it so it stops for a few weeks. But then a few weeks in, the hot wax is out and your spouse has no recollection of your request to avoid hot wax! 

What do you do with the fact that you are now SOOOO DEEEPLY turned off? 

Today we got into a HUGE fight because I don't want sex. All I hear is that I have to anyway because it's not her fault she's ADD. She never gets that her ADD affects me. 

 

Does anyone have any suggestions?

first thing,

First thing, I am not going to judge you,but tell you how I honestly feel,if you are having intimacy with "any" other woman other than your wife,you would eventually lose the sexual desire after some time and vise/ versa,no matter how she is not responding to your suggestions.So connect back with her "only" and please stop swinging,It would not help you to find that the connection you so desire"if"you still do.

I am ADHD

I can't say I am your ADHD wife, but I am ADHD. Unlike her, I did listen to my husband, he just didn't listen to me ( or so I thought). He is where YOU are now ( he hasn't touched me in a month and I have either lost him or am losing him). He told me 3 days ago he's done and can't do it anymore. I have to remind myself that this is NOT about me, but I am telling my side so that it may offer something. Have you read up on ADHD? I am not saying that her disease is an excuse (nor mine) but maybe the non-ADHD spouse being uninformed is just as bad as her not listening to YOUR needs? I have found this forum (all of them actually) to be very therapeutic for me in realizing a lot of stuff about ME. Have her read something on here, not necessarily your post (unless you feel comfortable doing that). Once I took the " on the spot" moment out of it ( I wrote him a letter and put it on the door for him to get in the morning)  is my way of letting him absorb what my thoughts are without having that immediate respons that ADHD ers find threatening. That's just me though. And just the fact that you are on here is a START. Keep reading and you may slowly find things to help. If not help her, than help YOU. Good luck.

I'm sorry you are having

I'm sorry you are having problems. However, any problem between two people is not a one way street, it is a two way street. To just blame your "failing" marriage on your ADD wife is unfair. I'm sure you have quirky characteristics as well. I'm also sure other marriages have problems like these after 26 years whether or not one or both of the partner/s has/have ADD. Also, it sounds like you have a major "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. You've been married to your wife for 26 years, so obviously you've probably seen her more than anyone else in your life . Sometimes it is easier to get along with people that you don't see on a constant basis. As far as her forgetting things that you like, I guess the only way to solve that is to talk about it with her-which I'm sure you have. Make sure you explain how you feel , why you feel that way, and your rationality behind it. Tell her to write down the important things. It might suck that she has to rely on that instead of her memory, but it is better than nothing. 

Maybe you two should write a top ten list of aspects you like about each other and then share them. Maybe you two could also write a top ten list about your favorite memories together and share them. Bottom like is it sounds like both of you just need to feel appreciated, and you both deserve to. 

rebuilding the intimacy

ADHD turns me off and I don't want to have sex with a child (the parenting dynamics kill the intimacy).  I've been having similar issues with desiring my partner.  She's sexy and beautiful, and a lot of fun, creative, and even wants more sex, but I've been so hurt and traumatized by her ADHD behaviors I'm having trouble being interested anymore!

But I agree with other postings - unless the external escapades help you to revive your marriage, then they are probably more of a distraction and detraction.  And if your wife's got a short-term memory, writing things down will help (and posting it up on the bedroom wall!).  Go to a sex shop together and pick up some new toys.  Plan a night of romance.  Find out what turns her on, and make sure she asks you the same.  Not just the sexual stuff, but the intellectual and emotional too.  And yeah, appreciation is key.  Sounds like getting down to basics and having some heart to heart with her is needed, as well as finding a better balance of give and take and responsibility.

Caregiver...

I can contribute to that thought.My husband was diagnosed at the age of 60 with ADHD. A year later he had a seizure and got even 

worse than he was before.  I'm the caregiver. It feels incestuous to have sex with someone who is chronically incompetent,

irresponsible, can't focus, and takes all day to do one thing. Medications, counseling...nothing has altered the situation.  The last

thing I want to do is have sex with him. Its barely enough just getting through the day...

communication leads (hopefully) to better intimacy

I probably need to be clearer with my spouse that it's hard to be sexually interested when the ADHD is acting up.  I'm not sure that she completely understands that.  I've told her that it's hard to be intimate when I've been hurt so many times.  I haven't phrased it as incest, and I'd hate to say it but I can relate to that feeling too when she acts like a child. 

I'm sorry you feel like a caregiver to your husband all the time.  If he's not going to change (or get worse), you probably need to do something so you are at least taking more care of yourself.