J, Crayon, any ADHD spouse with some input - have some questions?

This post is really directed towards those of us here who are the ADHD spouse (versus the non ADHD spouse - but please feel free to chime in too!).


I have been thinking about my relationship with my H.  It used to be we were the best of friends.  And somehow, quite suddenly, it went from that super hyperfocus attention, to - NOTHING  - all when everything became "real".  Fast forward several years... years of unhappiness for both of us, struggles, lies, abandonment etc - and I have come to some conclusions and would like some input.  My H views me as his enemy.  I have never done anything to deserve this - in fact, most of the time I have been a door mat for him (which is WAY out of my own character).  He acts like everything I do and say is some secret way to control him  - which is so rediculous I would laugh for days if it didnt actually cause me so much heartache and pain.  I have gone out of my way, and gone further to help him and support him in everything he does and to be VERY open and honest, so that there is no threat of control, no threat of manipulation.  (The last thing I want is to be with anyone who doesnt want to be with me OF THEIR OWN ACCORD).  I have let him decide his own tasks and let him define my role in supporting him in those tasks.  For instance, he will create a goal to do task A, and ask me to help him remember to DO task A at a certain time.  So I do that - and it becomes me controlling him  - by doing as he asked me to do.


I have noticed that the spouses that come here with ADHD tend to focus on the negatives of their wives and husbands, and to *me* always seem so combative to their spouses.  Why is that?  What is it about that relationship that causes you to think of them as the enemy?  Why do you feel that need to consider everything they do as an attack upon you?  It could be that i am reading things wrong, but that is the impression that I have gotten.  And it certainly lines up with my own experience with my H who acts like I am enemy #1.  I suspect he has some major issues with anger transference  - targeting me - from his history of abuse as a child.  He almost *always* disagrees with me.  I could say the sky is so blue today, and he would say that he didnt think so that it looked brown from smog etc.  I have lived in the area we moved to for a good portion of my life and KNOW the shortcuts and distances, he has never lived here.  When he will ask for a good route from point A to B - I will tell it to him, and he is sure to say that "Well google maps says it should take this long and you should take this route".  Which would be fine occasionally - but its EVER TIME.  I have gotten to the point that I do not talk to him, I do not even help him when he asks on things like that - I tell him to google it.  It was so bad, that the only way he could agree with something I said was if SOMEONE ELSE would say it and agree.


What inside of you triggers this do you think?  I am not looking to blame or criticise, I am seriously wondering what it is that gets your hackles up?  I suspect your spouses feel like me and have started just to shut down because its not "safe" or pleasent to even try to have conversations (again, I only get this sense from the posts on here - so take that for what it is).


It bothers me intensely  - probably because I do work so hard to *not* control or manipulate him.  I have from day one wanted a real, true, honest relationship with him - not one that was a game.  I feel like a used dog toy and i have done nothing to deserve it.  His excuse is that "he is broken" - but he is clearly ok with it since he doesnt bother to get any help.  And the more that I thought about it, the more I realized that he has been doing to me - everything that he accuses me of.  He treats me like crap because he thinks I am going to leave him, so he just picks up and runs at the first hint of any issues.  He tells me that he cannot be in a relationship where his partner wants to break up everytime they fight - but that is PRECISELY what he does to me.  He says he cant deal with threats, but he threatens me all the time   -  "I only want to be married when I am in a good mood, so I havent decided if I am going to stay or not", all the while happy to have the BENEFITS of being married...He doesnt bother to eat a diet that is helpful to his ADHD tendencies, he doesnt exercise to deal with some of that aggression - both things that are essentially easy to do and you dont have to see a doc to do it.  All of this seems to fuel this... well I guess hatred towards me.  I dont deserve it, I have never done anything to deserve this treatment.  And I am tired of the "blame my abuse" (fine get HELP to move through it) "blame my brokenness"  (fine, get HELP - you are NOT broken, quit listening to the people who abused you - they live in your head and you wont kick them out).


I certainly have found a new rage, and I am not burying it like I used to - I am letting it grow and fill me up.  I am letting it remind me of WHO I AM.  But I really want to understand WHY. 


Anyway - I hope that you will respond.  I am moving forward and onward, but I just need to understand.


At what point in your mind did your spouse become a sparring partner versus a love partner?  I know this is probably a hard question but I am hoping to get some input that can help me understand it better.  Post mortem therapy I suppose?