Job Loss # 10

There he was agian, for the tenth time in our four year marriage, standing in the door a box under his arm, with a  fearful expression on his face...I knew what he was about to say. At that moment I remained calmed gave him a hug and told him every thing would be ok...it's just a job, you'll find another,  like before.

That was Good Friday, today is Monday, and Im not standing so strong any more. I am afraid how are we going to pay for every thing. He was fired so he will not recieve a lay off package, he only has a 2 week pay check coming, and we live pay check to pay check. I am out of commission because I broke two ribs in a car accident (he was driving) 5 weeks ago. I know he will find another job and I know my ribs will heal and I'll be back to work...but I fear the future. Is this what Im to expect for the rest of our lives? All ways wondering when the shoe will drop.This last job was a very good one, It was his "fit" doing what he loved. What happend...I thought thats all he needed, was a good fit. Will his adhd always put us in the unemployment line? 

I wouldnt be so up set... but this is the tenth job. Out of the ten, one was a true layoff and another he quit, but the rest he got fired. Bills go unpayed, he wont let me assume the role of the bill payer in our home, even though I have a better bill paying history then himself. He continues to purchase things that we dont need, he gets traffic tickets all the time. When we married 4 years ago, we made ajoint account at the bank like most couples, there was an over draft for us to use ,I did not touch it. Then one day out of the blue the bank calls me and asks  when I intend to repay all the money that was taken out. My husband took out all the money, to this day I dont know what he used the money for,he says just to live on. The repayment of the overdraft  fell into my hands because my signiture was the first on the bank contract, that made me liable, even though he took it!  Thus far he has only payed me back a portion of it because hes always out of work.

The stress in our home is so high. I'm fustrated most of the time, angry the rest. My family and friends wont come over any more because he says whatever comes to his head, most times its a put down of some kind . He says he doesnt mean to say things that up set folks.  I feel alone.He dosent make love to me any more, hes lost about 15-20 pounds since hes been on the drugs.(first Adarall then Concerta) He loses at lest one impotrant thing a day,walet, keys, money, tax returns....

Before we married I had a good strong, stable life. I work hard to get it this way. After going through a difficult divorce the first time,I spent 10 years getting my head on straight in therapy, single mom counseling, I went back to school ect...,in that time I bought houses, a car, worked... never getting fired,payed my bills on time and did this all being a single mom. Now my life seems to have turned upside down, I feel out of control. Please dont think I dont love him, I do I feel bad about his condition, and want to be there for him but when will things stablize when does the joy come and the stress stop...some time I just want to leave and get back the peace I used to have.

We have been to marriage counsling, three diffrent ones they dont work because the adhd is not adressed, where we live there is no such therapy. There is cousling for just him and his adhd, and he has a Dr. that sees his once in awhile and gets his meds. Ive thought about a life coach, I dont know if there is one out there that know's how to work with the special problems that adult adhd brings,and my mounting anger. and of course there is no money...so we have to wait.

Re: Job loss #10

This is beautifully written. I could empathize, as my husband lost 6 jobs in the first 3 years of our marriage. I too was a stable person, with grown kids. I wish I had some advice for you.

For Gracie

Hi - your life is so upside down now perhaps you can insist on some specific things:

First, that you are included in the medical sessions about meds.  Someone elsewhere wrote that people with ADD often don't report their own responses to meds very well.  It's time you were able to at least listen in, and contribute your observations at critical points.  Ask your husband to include you.

Second, I would start thinking about a separate bank account - one for him, one for you.  Talk with your husband about considering a "no overdraft" account, if it's available.  He only gets an "allowance" when he is unemployed.

Third, he needs to figure out why he keeps getting fired.  Is it anger?  Saying the wrong things?  Perhaps he can look at his reviews???  Whatever that thing is that keeps getting him fired is the number one symptom that your husband needs to be working to overcome with a coach, his doctor, and anyone  else who can help.

You can get an ADD coach who will help you by phone...check some of the coaching sites for these folks.

I'm sure he feels awful, but at this point he needs to understand that the two of you can't continue along this path.  He must figure out how to overcome these issues...not doing so is not an option if he is going to live with ANY woman.

I have asked my husabsnd to

I have asked my husabsnd to let me join in his medical sessions, he told me that the doctor said no...  his doctor does not work with families. The doctor also told my husband that I should be more patient to see results. 

I have already gotten rid of that joint account and we currently have seperate accounts.

He always says the wrong thing,at home with me with our family and friends...I know that he does at work too, even though he says that he is more careful there. This is such a problem that people refuse to come to our home or go out with us.

I'll look for a ADD coach,I didnt know they could help by phone.

Thank you for this site Melissa...it gives me strength, gives me insight on how others are dealing with this.I dont feel so alone.

 

he got job#11

Last Monday I felt up heavel in my life with my husbands 10th job loss, this Monday I saw my husband out the door to job eleven in our four year marriage.

He has such resilents no fear!He put behind him any anamossity he may of had about the loss of his job and went ahead and got another job... before the end of the week, just like he said he would. The new job is lower pay,but not too bad, with all the same perks as the last.

I wish I had his no-fear attitude.I found my self this past week in a terrible depression, none like I've ever had. I just couldnt move. I cancelled a  dinner I planned for my son and his girl friend, I usually do my art, I didnt even look at it. I couldnt go for my daily walk. Even after we learnd about the new job I couldnt seem motivated to do any thing,except cry and feel afraid. Iam afraid of the next job loss, I couldnt take joy in the new one he got so soon. What do I need to do,so this depression does not continues. Maybe I'll be the next one on meds?

 

 

Got Another Job

Congrats to your hubby on finding another job in this market!  Not an easy task!  I'm delighted to see that you can admire his resilience - keep that top of mind and let it push your fear aside.  He may lose lots of jobs, but he also GETS lots of jobs...definitely one of those "glass half full, half empty" kinds of things!

If you are having trouble putting one foot in front of the other then I would suggest talking with your doc about the possibility of anti-depressants temporarily.  You might also consider therapy of some sort if you can afford it.  Or, much less expensive, consider learning to do some meditation or yoga.  These can calm your mind and help you gain control over your fears.

Fear can be crippling.  Remember the saying "you have nothing to fear but fear itself"?  There's a reason that saying is so famous!  Don't let fear cripple you - and be happy that your husband doesn't already.  Don't just admire his resilience, see if you can mimic it.  (But as you're learning how, meds can help!)

sapphyre's picture

He wont let me assume the role of the bill payer in our home

My feminist hackles have been raised... this is like "He wont let me cut my hair, wont let me work, wont let me leave the house". Who died and made him God?

"He wont let me assume the role of the bill payer in our home, even though I have a better bill paying history then himself"

Sister-in-ADHD-partnerhood... he's not your boss, he's your husband. It's a partnership. You need to argue this point with him. What makes sense is that each partner does things they are good at and don't make them feel tortured by doing them. I'm sure there is plenty of stuff out there on the web on successful marriages that says similar... if not, then call me crazy :)