My ADHD husband and I have had a particularly bad two years, but now we are at the point where he is in therapy and on ADD meds. He is becoming easier to live with and his depression and anger are somewhat regulated. These were my top requirements for staying together, and the progress came after I told him I was done. The last requirement was getting a job. He hasn't contributed income in the 8 years we've been married, and has "freelanced". He also never in the past was much help with the household stuff or the kids. He just spins his wheels and is very busy, but for no real purpose.
In the past year, however, and especially the last three months since I said I was leaving at the end of the school year, he has been consistently doing the dishes and the laundry and paying attention to the children. Is a job too much to ask? He has no idea how to go about getting one, and even with his therapist's help and Adderall, he won't focus on it. His list of things he wants or is willing to do is small, and he complains about everything and jumps right to the negative. One job prospect fell in his lap a few months ago, and he pursued it wholeheartedly, but the process dragged on until last week and he didn't get it. He didn't put any visible effort into looking for anything else during that time period. Now he has no active plan for looking, other than following up on the listings I send him (while being angry that I do that). I feel like a job -- and a positive attitude about it -- are indicative of him making some progress in his life, and of his being able to be lived with. If he's just going to continue to bark and whine about it, blame for for pushing him, and never actually do it, then where have we gotten, actually? Therapy and medication were for the purpose of transforming him into a functional, cooperative purpose who could be a participant in our family life and share some of the burden I've been carrying. If that's not in the cards, I don't want to continue to compensate for his deficits.
Anyone else have an ADHD spouse who does not/will not work?
My husband is working but
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband is working but only because he was handed the jobs on silver platters. He provides "caregiving" services for his parents and he tutors. He got the tutoring job through the technical college from which he earned a certificate after he was fired from his previous job. He has been receiving vocational services, including resume help, for almost three years and has yet to apply for any jobs. It's the BIGGEST problem in our marriage, by far.
My husband does not work.
Submitted by Lmanagesall on
My husband does not work. Does not look, will not look. We own a business together, but I do most of the work. In addition, I work a F/T job plus 2 kids.
My husband works,loves to work but.
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
He love's to work but complains non stop.He wants to leave and get next job every week.And the job he is doing right now was handed down to him like a gift.Prior to that,he was not working for 6 months and I took care of him,and that was hard for me since I have to little kids of my own to raise,but I managed somehow.I told him just a few weeks ago that if he ever stops working,I can't support him again and take him in by me to live again.and since then he has never really spoke about leaving the job again only complains of how tired he is.
lovehurts.
Driven to work...
Submitted by YYZ on
I'm an ADDer who has never had an issue getting or keeping jobs, I think it is a matter of how one is driven. In my childhood I was taught that you had to work and save your money to get new toys. I would come up with ways to make extra money, like mowing yards, baby sitting and I even went through the neighborhood asking to wash peoples cars. When I had a new toy in mind I would bust my butt to gather the funds. Now a Days the toys have changed and been dropped down the priority list behind Home and family, but the work ethic I learned as a kid carried over into adulthood. When I was young and unmarried I would at times impulsively leave a job if I felt like I was getting unfair treatment, but I always immediately got another job. With my DW, one of her boundaries from the beginning was a fear of me just walking a job, so I agreed that I would not do that to her. If I hated my job, I'd look for another, land the job, then give my notice. I also knew "Burning Bridges" was a bad policy. Somehow I always knew I was "Better" when I was busy, long before I knew about my ADD.
I have also read and know from experience that you need to have the right job with ADD. I sort of found the right job by being creative in my first Good 8-5 job for a commercial real estate companies research department. The IT guy there began to notice my creativity and also my knack for fixing my own pc issues that the helpdesk guys could not resolve. (I got tired of waiting and had BIG Deadlines) He asked me to join IT and after about a year he thought I was the programmer type. The rest is history... All the model building, puzzle solving, taking things apart and reassembling I did as a child was now a JOB. I see what people do in there accounting systems, see their issues and come up with ways to make the job easier and trouble-shoot errors. It is wonderful to be creative and get positive feedback for my efforts.
I guess the trick is, like Dr. Hallowell states in Driven from Distraction is to find the gold nugget in your brain and find a job related to your strengths. Ironically, the first class I took in college was a programming class and I failed it for all the traditional ADD reasons, the second irony was me taking and dropping Accounting 101 three times because I was bored to DEATH. My job is Programming/Customizing/Supporting a Commercial Real Estate Accounting Software. Funny, huh?!?